Don’t touch the glass!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Spiroview Inc.
What’s up, Alt-fun lovers?
If you’re looking for some dark, moody, dire entertainment to tickle your tear ducts with this St. Patrick’s Day weekend, you’re in luck! The trials, tribulations, and travails of Trump, some of his most prominent ex-/cabinet members, and un/official aides during their first or so in office have given rise to museum exhibits around Washington, D.C. We predict that locals and tourists alike will pour into gape, gawk, and take a gander at these memorials, if you will, to the poisoning of American democracy by Trumpism as soon as they open. Lucky for all you Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, we sent our own Pietro Travesty out to take a sneak peek at some of the displays and report back. Read his report below!
Can You Hear Me Now?
So said the Verizon spokesman in those now iconic commercials, but the answer to that question in relation to the first exhibit I visited at D.C.’s famed Museum of Presidential Embarrassments (MPE) was a definite, “no.” It was a collection of all the cell phones, now not functional, that  Donald Trump has used in his first year and change in office. As you might imagine, pounding out angry tweets onto his cellular devices makes for a lot of wear and tear. Security concerns, general egomania, and a disdain for the environment kept Trump from recycling his phones like a normal person.
And that’s great, because now amateur presidential historians like myself can now see these physical instantiations of the worst presidency in recent memory for themselves. There’s the iPhone Trump from which tweeted that Mika Brezinksi was “bleeding badly from a facelift,” so he wouldn’t allow her to stay at Mar-a-Lago. Then there’s the Samsung Galaxy 7 from which he announced many times that his treatment by the press was “very unfair.” And finally, the piece de resistance, the tablet that had the lucky distinction to be the gadget that helped spawn possibly the most sensible thing Trump’s ever said: “Covfefe.”
“The docents, board, and staff of the Museum of Presidential Embarrassments hopes that their tireless work documenting some of the highlights of Trump’s first year in office will lead to collective, national introspection about what led to the enabling of a man like President Trump being elected to the highest political office in the land,” read a press release the MPE’s Chief of Acquisition’s, Joy Less, gave me. I thought, yeah, awesomeness is what led to it–pure, unadulterated, grade-A awesomeness.
Don’t Judge Their Bad Judgment
Next door to the aforementioned museum lies the Kock Brothers Museum of Poor Life Choices. This felt like truly walking directly into some of the most fabulously Trumpian news debacles of the last 365 odd days!
The museum’s curator, Damon Koch, let me into the building and walked me to some of its most exciting gets!
“President Trump doesn’t seem to get that people are looking at this mostly because they were examples of bad behavior,” Koch mused. As an Alt-entertainment critic, I didn’t totally get what Kock meant either.
First I got to see the plush, beige, leather seats from Air Force One (they’ve been replaced–don’t worry) upon which Trump and some of his closest aides, including “white liar” Hope Hicks, crafted the statement the misleading statement they wanted Donald Trump, Jr. to give to the press regarding his June 6th meeting in New York’s Trump Tower with a Kremlin-linked lawyer who had promised the First Son damaging info on Hillary Clinton. Oh, if those seats could talk–they might do a better job of covering up collusion with the government, right?
I also got to see the now infamous dinner set that Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson bought and had to return just this last week. It cost $31,000, which is likely why an armed guard watched me with a threatening stoicism as I gazed at the silver stunner!
Finally, at this Koch-funded gallery of rogueish behavior were microphones that Jeff Sessions has lied into at press conferences, in Congressional testimony, and at speeches. As I peered at the sound devices, I felt a sudden urge to call my priest for some holy water to sprinkle on them, the poor, inanimate things.
Pressing Issues
At the Fox News Museum of Misinformation and Propaganda (FNMMP), I got to see a truly inspired presentation of collected items. It was some of the statement necklaces Sarah Huckabee Sanders has worn during her appearances at the daily White House Press Briefings. There was the one that was jagged gold triangles alternating with smooth gold circles. Then there was one that was a silver snake turned on itself in a circular formation. And Fox News even managed to get its hands on the one that was red, white, and blue ceramic bibles strung onto a chain!
“Sarah was so generous to offer these pieces for us to put on display, given that most people would likely want no one to remember what went on in the briefing room,” Candy Dish, a spokeswoman for the FNMMP told me.
The FNMP even got its hands a string of pearls Sanders wore the very first time she told a reporter, “I’ll get back to you on that.” This was of note sort of the way the glass from which an alcoholic took his first drink might be on display at a museum chronicling his addiction.
You’re probably already thinking this, being the savvy Alt-right-ers and SYRW readers you are, but you should reserve tickets to these spellbinding-ly, horrifyingly, depressingly captivating shows now. As the weather warms up, people will be flocking to D.C. like lemmings to a cliffside to view these Trump White House-related treats the second the doors open. In fact, we recommend you keep a backpack filled with all the day trip essentials–water bottles, extra cell phone batteries, sunscreen, and nation’s-capital guidebooks by your front door so that as soon as you hear the exhibits are open to the public, you can grab it and go.
Also: Cosmetic surgical implants to aid your Alt-life project.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
