There’s no more important room in your home than your bedroom, is there, readers?/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Barbara Helgason.
Your home is your castle, there’s no doubt, right, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? It’s your sanctuary, an outpost in this mixed-up, Trumpian world, the place you hang your hat once you cross the welcome that. But the one place that is really, truly, wholly, and completely yours is your bedroom. Whether you share it with someone or not, this space need be inviting, comforting, healing, and even fun. It must, then, be: cozy! We found some great ideas on the Internet to help you make your personal chamber all these things–and maybe any others you desire, with the basics of political conservatism in mind to boot! Kari Sanders and Farima Alavi over at HGTV put together thiis super-helpful article on creating a cozy bedroom, and as always SYRW is looking out for all you right-wing readers of ours. We took their ideas and Alt-ed them for you.
Heart of Darkness
Sadly, Sanders and Alavi recommend dark colors to “envelop the bedroom.” And who can argue with them? We rightists do have to consider that dark is the color of many people we want to continue delegitimizing–African-Americans, Hispanics, Muslims, and so on, and so forth. But we also have to feel snug in our bedrooms. And so, one of the preeminent right-wing publications around, SYRW, is going to go ahead and give you permission to paint your bedroom walls a dark hue or two, with the understanding that that’s where our support of anything on that end of the color wheel ends.
Related: Readings–The Impact of Inequality by Richard Wilkinson.
Dim, Like Our Minds
Next up, the good folks at HGTV advise opting for soft lighting in your boudoir. Once again, this goes against our hard-right political views, we know, but if you’re comfortable in your cozy bedroom, you’ll be replenished and rejuvenated by spending time in it. And that, friends and readers, will put you in top shape to fight the cultural war against the Liberal Left. So we give you permission, dear Alt-ers to go for this too;
Rug Sandwich
Layering rugs is another cozy-fying strategy you should try. Rug on top of rug, and even another layer if you’re feeling bold. This is a no-brainer, because who has the greatest rug ever on top of his head? Our wonderful President Donald Trump. And, really, he layered it, too. His skin is the first layer and the blond wisps he calls his ‘do are the second. So get as many rugs as you want and layer away!
Blankets Are a Conservatives Best Friend
How so, you ask? Well, we like to make blanket statements about people and things: “Mexicans are rapists,” “Muslims are terrorists, “Gays want to convert our children,” “Guns are our right,” and so forth. We care not for subtlety, qualifying these generalizations, or tempering them with additional information.
So feel no compunctions, readers, about loading up on blankets in your bedroom–and blanket statements in your political pursuits.
First Consideration, Always: the Second Amendment
While HGTV would like to to “add a personal touch” to your bedroom, we’re pretty sure that for all you red-staters out there that would be a gun prominently displayed in some way in your cozy bedroom. And actually, given that we right-wing-ers are obsessed with the false idea that guns make us safer, a gun hung on the wall, or placed decoratively on a desk or nightstand–bullets loaded–would make you feel safer, now, wouldn’t it?
And: Some on-the-go meal ideas for Trump Admin officials about to get the boot.
Back to the Bed
Make a canopy to up the coziness factor, draping sheer, almost ethereal, fabrics over top and down the sides of your bed. This is inherently right-wing, as it harkens back to the plantations of antebellum America. And that’s always something we want!
Old and New Are Very Now!
Sanders and Alavi of HGTV suggest blending old elements and new ones in pursuit of coziness. Great! You could put a comforting, antique poster publicizing a Ku Klux Klan meeting from the 1920s, and also stand a tiki torch like the ones at the Charlottesville march somewhere in your room to remind you that your retrograde political views still have a voice.
Book a Spot
Make a comfortable mini-reading station, with an armchair, a side table, a lovely lamp, and a plush throw. Here you can read the work of all kinds of RWNJs (Right Wing Nut Jobs) such as Dana Loesch, Ann Coulter, and others, and what better way to ready you for a peacefu sleep than the lunatic rantings of such people?
Mix It Up
The aforementioned design experts also recommend mixing patterns. Another great idea for a card-carrying member of the extreme right. Doing so would pay homage to the pattern of obstruction of justice, and pattern of firing cabinet members after teasing he’d do so in the press that our dear Agent Orange is so fond of!
Also: See what we found out about Erik Prince’s Seychelles meeting!
Whites Only
Despite their previous suggestion to paint the walls of a cozy space dark hues, these experts say “decorate in all white.” Um–hello! That’s our dream come true! It’s our superior skin color and that of everyone we like, too! We’re all for it! Window treatments, wall hangings, lighting fixtures, decorative accents that are white, whiter, whitest!
Remember: for more on these and lots of other–28 total–tips on the bedroom equivalent of an old pair of flannel pajamas make sure to visit the article we linked above at HGTV, written by Jamie Herzlinger.
Now, dear readers, once you’ve made your bedroom into a chamber that wraps you up in a warm embrace and makes you hope it never lets of Alt-right-you, there are really only a couple things left to do. Those should come easily to a card-carrying member of the right wing. Fire up your computer or digital device and begin mining the Internet for the latest “in” conspiracy theories, turn on the TV so you can be up-to-date on the latest screaming-Fox-News-banshee talk show, and grease that shotgun you keep by your bed in case an MS-13 gang member comes to get you.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
