You’ll even smile while you’re getting the implants./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, oneblink1.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
The less healthy your mind, soul, and emotions are, the more out of moral shape you. This is why we on the right-wing of the political spectrum or so gorgeous. But just as they say you can never be too rich or too thin, you can never be too Alt-right. All these brilliant observations together are the basis for the valuable information we at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) have for you today. It’s the latest in surgical implants to make Alt-righters more Alt-right! These implantations take the approach that more awfully right-wing you likely want to be.
Draining the Soul Swamp
As members of the anti-progressive right, we’ve all individually and as a group decided that we’re going to kill our souls in a variety of ways, as it’s easier to do that than to change our life trajectories. And so, we’re dying inside in several forms. One of them is the atrophy of the location of our morality, that nebulous, yet very real, concept called, “the soul.” We don’t need to know exactly where it is or what it looks like to speed its degeneration, fortunately. That’s the thinking behind the SpiritSuck!
A doctor will make a one-inch incision at the base of your neck and install a SpiritSuck below the skin, sewing you right back up within minutes. This ingenious new device will then deliver a constant, low-dose of AOT, or Anti-Oxytocin, a hormone that stops your body from producing Oxytocin, the “social hormone,” as it’s known. Oxytocin facilitates the creation and strengthening of social bonds, and we need to fight that with every weapon in our right-wing medical arsenal. If we don’t, we might start wanting to join in the building of vibrant communities full of diversity and equality!
One side effect to be aware of before you dial your doctor for more info is the Moral Milk, as patients call it, that will leave a trail of droplets behind you. You can address this issue by wearing a drain, a colostomy-bag-esque attachment to catch the Moral Milk. And then, soon enough, it’ll be all gone, and you’ll be a total zombie! You can then have your SpiritSuck removed.
Related: Blast From the Past–Don McGahn RSVPs no to Trump Constitutional Crisis Party.
Intelligence Isn’t All Black and White
There’s a whole gray area in between. Actually, there’s really not. You either are or you aren’t. There are different types, sure. And everyone has a special gift to share with the world.
But, in order to keep believing in ridiculous, confirmation-bias-heavy conspiracy theories, seeing all the ways people are different and should be feared and none of the ways they’re like you and should be embraced, and believing you’re just a few years of hard work away from being a billionaire in an economic system rigged against you, you can’t be bothered with anything having to do with smarts, wit, or know-how, now, can you?
That’s where the GrayMatterHatter (GMH) comes in. Your doctor will sew this stylish helmet to your gourd, and within 48 hours, you’ll notice a grin of stupidity spreading across your increasingly asinine face! This is because the GMH is emitting low dose radiation into the seat of whatever native intelligence you were born with, the reticulated, spongey gray matter of your brain, causing it to disintegrate. It evaporates from within you! Your body then reabsorbs the waste matter produced by this process. It enters your bloodstream, from where that hemo-carrier then transports it to your bladder and colon, like all detritus inside you. And, yes, dear readers, you guessed the next step. You’ll urinate and defecate it out. Yup, you’ll actually pee and shit your brains.
Once you’ve achieved the level of dumb-ass-ness you’re comfortable with, make a frantic, frightened phone call to your doctor. Tell him/her to take the GMH off, now–now! Congratulations, Right Wing Nut Job (RWNJ), your brain is now actually smaller! What will they think of next?!
As tempting as it’ll be to wear this hip chapeau around town, there’s really no need to after you’ve reached the level of imbecility you want. Your doctor snip the stitches and detach it from your dome. You can go back to work, and generally resume your life of blending in with the smarter folks in your world.
And: Give yourself a Dana Loesch makeover–you know, if you’re goal is to be a monster.
I Can’t Believe You’ve Got a Heart of Stone
So sang Cher in her little-known-outside-the-gay-community non-classic, “Heart of Stone.” Soon, it will be a reality for all Alt-ers! As with the previously-mentioned two devices, this little baby is simply speeding along a process that is already taking place in your sub-par-in-so-many-ways body. This time, it’s the ossifying of your heart, which results in a total lack of compassion and empathy. No, you’re not dreaming. Thanks to this little device, you won’t have any capacity to care about anyone but you, and that’s the best way to continue your self-involved, self-aggrandizing, oh-so-Trumpian right-wing life project!
In order to make your thumper Trump-er, researchers at the Koch Brothers Center for Asshole-ish-ness developed the MoralityMurderer (MM), which your doctor can install behind your left pectoralis, or chest, muscle. S/he’ll give you a remote, which has just one button on it, to make all this super-simple. You press the button, which causes the MM to release tentacles that grab the morality right out of your ticker, then deposit it into your esophagus. When you gag and wretch, that means your ability to feel is ready to just leap on out of you. Time for a mad dash to your toilet! Let the capacity to sympathize and the ability to empathize project out of you! There, there. You’re OK. Just a cold, unfeeling zombie. It’s so much easier this way, right?
Brain-Dead-Edness Is the Mother of Invention
For once, academia, in the form of the research that led to these brilliant Alt-inventions, is on the side of the right-wing! As you all know, the media and university-culture are our dual boogeyman, generally. But we don’t have to be as hostile towards institutions of learning if they’re coming up with ingenious, life-worsening creations like this. Watch out Liberal Left–we’re makin’ a comeback. Of course, it’s one that’ll eventually lead to our sad whimper of a downfall.
We at SYRW must be off now to mine the cesspool of information that is the Internet for all sorts of idiotic things to apprise you of next week!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
