Look deep inside yourself–et. into a barrel of a gun./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Innovated Captures.
Are you ready, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? Are you ready to prove you love nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing–did we mention, “nothing?”–as much as you love guns, guns, guns, guns, guns? You better be! First of all, the wonderful, magical, proactive, progressive Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting survivors and their fellow millennial-generation youth are going to give us the fight of our lives for our idiot-machines, aka, guns. Second of all, we at SYRW have found or arranged for three ways for you red-blooded, American whack jobs to show just how much you want, need, and gotta have your firearms–for what purpose you insist on having them, we cannot say. But you do, don’t you? Ok, then: sling an automatic weapon over your shoulder and let’s go!
The whole idea behind the mini-trips we’ve set up and describe below is inspired by people who actually use weapons to maintain law and order, unlike most of you, who don’t think it says something deeply disturbing about your psychological makeup that you’re obsessed with implements of death, chaos, and injury. The valiant folks we speak of are police officers. They have to get maced in the faces in some jurisdictions in order to be granted mace to use on the public. Now, you can earn your right to gun ownership, even though loose interpretations of the Second Amendment by right-wing activist judges already guarantee it. It can’t hurt to really show everyone how dedicated to a life of world-ruination you are, though.
Related: Our Op-Ed contributor on her ideas for McMaster if he leaves the WH next.
Home on the Range
The first stop on our trip triptick is one you’ll be making to prove your dedication to gun ownership, motivated by whatever the hell you want it to be motivated by: a hobby, paranoia, small penis size.
We’re going to a gun range. But you’re not going to be shooting, you’re going to be shot at. Yes, that’s right. You are going to volunteer to fill in for one of those paper human target thingies. It sounds a little out there, but so are guns, so get with the program.
Now, stand right here where the paper cutout would normally be. Look at the person in front of you. Look down the barrel of his/her gun. He or she has been instructed to let you live, thus you will not be shot in any vital organ. Your limbs are up for grabs, however. It’s going to hurt like a mother, just so you know.
It’s All A Big Game
Next up, we’re going to a limp our way to a Big Game preserve that SYRW rents out for our readers’ gun-love-proving purposes. Again, you won’t be hunting, you’ll be hunted. Don’t you think you should know the horror, fear, and terror you instill in other beings by hunting them if that’s what you intend to use your bang-bang toy for? Well, we do!
Get a tent, set it up, hole up inside, and then just wait to be hunted. Again, the hunters have instructions not to kill you. But injuring you severely is an option.
This sucks, right? If you want to reconsider your devotion to the depraved hobby of murder-for-sport known as hunting, you can call it quits any time. If not, just hunker down and wait.
Always Use Protection
Our final destination, pun both unintended and intended, is a modest suburban home in which an actor we’ve hired lives. He plays tthe kind of dumb-ass that thinks owning a gun is going to protect him/her from intruders.
And you’re going to be the intruder! As always, you won’t die, but you could be on a respirator, differently-abled, or have a whole host of other medical problems when this is over.
Ok, start breaking into this home if you want the right to keep a gun at your bedside to shoot intruders! Jimmy the lock, tamper with the window. Kick the door in. Whatever. Just get in there if you want your damn guns!
Don’t bother not making noise, because, after all, you’re going to be shot anyway. So trip and fumble about in the darkness as much as you need to.
It’s a Thing
We at SYRW have dubbed this series of little sojourns collectively, “Extreme Gun Ownership.” One could argue that any gun ownership is extreme, but this really is, no? Think, though: once it’s over, you’re free to gun-it-up as much as you like. You will probably have a crappy life in lots of other ways, but if you’re being honest, how good could the life of a person who values implements of killing really have been anyway?
We’re just looking out for our fellow Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs). We want you to be able to shoot up the world in your anger and resentment at God-knows-what, even though it’s only going to make you more angry and resentful. But you’re proud, proud people! You’re not going to do the actually difficult, actually tough work of introspection and committing to becoming a better person! You simply can’t! Your gun addiction won’t allow it. It’s too bad no one loves you enough to say, “I can’t be in your life if you own a gun.” You would drop your weapon faster than a bullet leaves one, in that case. Alas, alack. They say if you live by the sword, you’ll die by the sword. But this is a gun, so it looks like one day you’ll die by the gun, perhaps.
Now that you’ve made total fools of yourselves, shit yourself out of fear, and injured or killed yourself, you or your ghost have a one-way ticket to the Violent Promised Land of owning and using as many guns as you want, as often as you want, to do whatever you want. Congratu-fuckin’-lations. Great life choices, as always, dear SYRW readers and RWNJs. You’re going to have sad, bad, empty lives, but at least you can shoot your guns to your heart’s content.
Until next week’s travel column, then, take trips yet somehow make your world smaller and less cosmopolitan.
Also: What do you see when you look at these right-wing optical illusions?
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
