The scary weirdo herself, Dana Loesch./Image: courtesy of Hachette Book Group.
Hey, there, Conservative Cuties! We hope you’re ready to look even more “cutie” than you no doubt already do.
We’re sure Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, as card-carrying members of the Alt-Idiots club, are aware of a certain drop-dead gorgeous lady named Dana Loesch. She is one of those rare people that you can say is literally drop-dead gorgeous, because she makes herself more “attractive” to the NRA set in order to ensure her image, voice, and brilliant arguments about gun rights for a few no, who cares about any rights–including those of physical safety–for anyone else, are as nauseatingly ubiquitous as possible. It occurred to us, what with her even more everywhere-at-once visage in the wake of the Parkland massacre, that many of our rightist readers may want to make themselves into tenth-rate “beauties” like Loesch, and so we guide in doing so below.
The Basic Ideas
There are two ideas undergirding your transformation from human to Loesch-level “beauty”: layers and layers of scar tissue due to the wounds on your injured and sick soul, and way too much of everything makeup and stye-wise on your body.
The keloids and cicatrixes on your soul part of the equation you’re taking care of simply by being a member of the Alt-right. And, in fact, the “too much” part you’re primed to achieve, too, given your too-stupid political views. With those in progress even as you read this, let’s get down to brass tacks, starting at the top.
Related: Some meal ideas that would help Trump and others reach compromises on tariffs.
Hair Like Molasses
Oh, those tresses, those locks, those follicular tendrils of cruel “beauty” that cascade down from the big-head-holding-a-small-brain that Loesch graces the world with. The first thing you must do, readers, is dye your hair jet-black, like Loesch, who fancies herself some kind of bad-ass rebel. She’s not: she’s as conformist to the white heterosexist patriarchy as a person can be. So that’s great for us conservatives, because that’s what we want to look like, as well.
After your hair is dyed as black as your necrotizing heart inside, you simply need to spend three to six hours flat-ironing it every morning, then slathering on the shine agent–a pomade, a gel, or spritz.
Oh, yes: get your eyebrows dyed jet-black, too.
White Power, Brown Skin
Loesch is a “boo-hoo-for-the-white-race”-type like us and you, as you know, but like her conservative media star counterparts, her skin-based seductiveness is based on its being as dark as possible. Like her, President Donald Trump, Tomi Lahren, Jeanine Pirro, and other reactionary media “stars,” you’ll need to spray tan yourself just this side of burn victim. Orange, like Trump, isn’t good enough if you’re truly committed to Loesch-level allure. You need to be the color of the planet Mars, of kiln-cooked pottery, of the adobe huts built by the Pueblo. This skin hue actually best achieved not through the spray tan favored by most trashily-styled people, but through liquid self-tanner. So get some of that and slather it on like there’s no tomorrow, and their probably too many anyway, due to global warming, which Loesch is a big, big fan of, too! See how it’s all coming together?!
When I Wake Up/In My Make Up
Before putting anything else on your face, you need to take something off. And that’s eyebrow hair, following the shape they would make if you’re angry, so with an unnaturally high arch.
The song lyrics above a from ditty by Hole, their early 2000s classic, “Celebrity Skin.” And it applies to Loesch-beauty, as you know she’s one of those desperate makeup addicts who sleeps in a full face of maquillage.
Whenever you apply makeup, again, think layers. First, primer, then moisturizer, then the heaviest, most opaque foundation you can find to match your spray tan.
Next, apply a line of liquid liner to your lashline equal in thickness to your intellectual non-capabilities. Then you’re ready for a ton–and we mean about 65-70 coats, of black mascara. For the final piece of your eye-“beauty” game, you want to sweep a black shadow into the crease, blending it inward and upward from the outer corners of your peepers.
I’m So Bashful
Even a devil-in-heels like Loesch must play the “like-me-straight-guys” game, and she must like it, as you must. So make a perfunctory nod to daintiness by swirling on a reddish-brown blush on the apples of your cheeks. Loesch–and you–can’t smile, because you’re both too busy going about the business of making the U.S. as bad a place to live as possible. So you need to define your cheeks somehow, right?
And: Trump’s pandemonium approach to governing is just what we Alt-ers had in mind–more, please!
Talking a Big Game
Loesch is always running at the mouth, spouting her inane and asinine views, but she’s not the owner of the fullest bouche. Thus, she overdraws her lips in a shade darker than the pink-maroon lipstick she wears. You should too. Blot some loose powder over the first layer of it, then reapply and so forth. Fill them puppies in with the pink-maroon lip tint, blot with loose powder again, and reapply and so forth, again.
Do you feel like lying down and taking a nap after all this? We don’t blame you. Looking this deadly-divine isn’t for the faint of heart, so it’s good Loesch, like most right-wing women, has no heart.
Clothes Make the Wo-Man
This is perhaps the easiest part of your makeover: skin-tight; dark jeans; a waist-length top or blazer; and black, patent-leather stilleto heels of at least four inches.
You’re Ready to Prostitute Yourself for the NRA Now!
Now, dear readers, we know you want to begin making the Jersey-Shore grooming appointments and buying the supplies to make yourself into the Dana Loesch wannabe you wanna be. It’s OK to be wannabes. Not all of us have reached the level of soul-suicide and tamping down cardiac activity that Loesch has, which is part of her special brand of hotness. Don’t worry. The more you rail, wail, scream, and shout about your right to bear arms regardless of the consequences for anyone else or society as a whole, the more your soul will say, “See ya” and your heart will atrophy.
Also: We review Anniekins Coulter’s How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must).
In the words of Hole, “Oh, make me over/I’m all I wanna be/A walking study/In demonology.”
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
