Are you getting into relationships with liberals over and over?/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, JackF.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers?
You’re such an introspective, sensitive lot. Ha! I barely typed that out with a straight face! Of course you’re introspective or sensitive. We right-wingers don’t have to be, because we run the cultural show. Or, we have, until now. Now those pesky marginalized groups are trying to muscle us out, so we have to be constantly asking questions, doubting ourselves, thinking about our behavior. Very unfair, as our President would say. Witness the following letter I received last week.
Dear Dr. MacEnnaKnee,
Thank you for reading my letter. I am a man, in my thirties, and I live in the Midwest of the great U.S. of A. I have a problem that is so dark and disturbing I feel only someone as flippant and unqualified as you can help me. I keep getting into serious relationships with women whose political beliefs are on the left of the political spectrum, while mine are hard right, despite the fact that politics and social issues are very important to me. My mother was a liberal, and raised me and my three younger siblings alone, so I feel I might be drawn to these women because of that. Anyway, the end of these relationships is always partially due to me and my partners’ vastly different political views. How do I break out of this pattern and find the right Alt-right girl for me?
Lonely in Louisville
Related: Knee and joint health for robust knee-jerk, right-wing reactions.
Dear Lonely,
Thank you for trusting me to help you with this problem. It’s brave and admirable of you to reach out. That being said, you’re sick and you need help! I’m here to provide it.
You’re right on the money when you say that your attraction to this liberal-leaning ladies has a lot to do with your mother. It sounds to me like you, as the eldest son, felt some responsibility to help her, or at least wished that you could. It couldn’t have been easy for her. But she did a great job, because at least one of her sons is a conservative! Until you heal the original wound–the one that was created by your feeling protective yet helpless in relation to your leftie mommy, the pattern will keep repeating. You’ll continually be drawn to women with a progressive outlook on life who are looking to sabotage our country from within as such people are. And then the relationships will inevitably fail. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if Obama and Hillary’s emails were conspiring to send these women after you, just to incapacitate someone who could be a valuable warrior on the Alt-side! They are that sick, Lonely.
I’m going to recommend some self-help exercises for you to free yourself of the grip of your liberal mom’s struggle and how it affected you and colored your view of what kind of woman you wanted to be in what kind of relationship with.
I want you to write down on five separate Post-It™ notes the following sentences: “My liberal mom is responsible for her own life.” “I don’t need to take care of a liberal lady to feel like I’m in a valid relationship.” “There is an Alt-right gal out there who is perfect for me.” “I will look for and find a conservative cutie to be with.” “I don’t need to get in a relationship that I subconsciously know has no future.” Adhere these notes to surfaces around your home, and when you pass them, pause and say the phrases out loud. In fact, say them out loud three times. Smile big as you do so.
Next, each day when you are washing up, getting dressed in the morning, look in the mirror into your own, right-wing eyes. Say to you, “I love you, _____. Today is a new day, and the chance to find my conservative princess. I know this is possible and will happen.” You must go where the Alt-right ladies are too–gun shows, Evangelical churches, Young Republicans meetings, etc.
Keep a Conservative Qualities Gratitude journal by your bedside. Every night, write down five Alt-qualities you’d be grateful to find in a woman you wanted to date, e.g., owns guns and thinks we should all have unfettered access to them, is distrustful of Muslims, thinks whites should remain in charge of everything, couldn’t care less about the environment, eats a lot o read meat. Go immediately to sleep. Overnight, these qualities will seep into your subconscious and you’ll be drawn to a conserva-gal who’s marriage material, even, in no time!
Wear a rubber band around your wrist…Each time you find yourself fantasizing about some hippie-dippie, Commie chick, snap it–hard! Like Pavlov’s dog, but right-wing, your mind will soon avoid such fantasies lest your body be snapped by the rubberband! It worked for Pavlov’s dog with dog food and a bell, so I can’t see any reason it wouldn’t work for you in reverse with a rubber band and a snap.
If you happen to see a woman in Birkenstocks, doused in patchouli, with a Black Lives Matter t-shirt on, begin screaming out loud and run in the opposite direction.
And: Investing with a conscience–given that you have one as a rightie.
Most importantly, talk to your liberal mom, in person, if possible, in a letter if not in person. Tell her you wish she had had it easier, but it wasn’t and isn’t your job to take care of her.
I bet with consistent performance of these techniques, you’ll soon be marrying your very own Michele Bachmann.
Also: Betsy DeVos is doing MORE to make sure rapists have the voice they need.
Well, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, another problem for another right-winger solved. Together, we can reassert our once proud cultural dominance and Make America Hate Again! Keep those letters coming, and now that Dr. MacEnnaKnee is here to provide with dubious, possibly damaging advice. What you should not do is seek the advice of a trained, educated therapist, as most of them are bleeding hearts! That would self-sabotage of the highest order and only make your problems much worse.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
