Make sure your money is earning, earning, earning–and be Alt about it!/Image: Licensed Adobe Stock, Warakorn.
Fiduciary Felicitations, right-wing finance fans!
Get this: some people like to do good in the world. Ok, wait, that’s not all. Some people like to see that their investment portfolio is doing good in the world. Oh, lord, that cracks us up every time we write it. But, seriously, how holier-than-thou, right? It doesn’t mean that we’re insecure about our moralless life projects that we think that. No, it sure doesn’t. What it means is that…uh, anyway, if you want to stick it to these do-gooders and do so from a right-wing perspective, here are some ideas courtesy of us here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW).
Pharma Chameleon
The pharmaceutical industry, or Big Pharma as its known in journalistic circles, is a great choice. They dangle pill-based cures in front of the sick, telling them, “You can have this…as long as you have the money…” Sometimes they take it to the next level, and price gouge their product like “Pharma Bro,” Martin Shkreli, who was known for some time as The Most Hated Man In America for jacking up the cost of an AIDS drug to prey on the people who needed it most and would do anything to get it. He was sentenced to seven years in prison this weekend for “defrauding investors,” according to Dan Mangan at CNBC. How unfair is that! He was just trying to cut corners, save a little money, and the deep state had to go and punish the guy. No doubt Obama and Hillary’s emails were on the jury, right, readers?
Not Just a Method of Birth Control
“Pulling out,” or divesting in companies whose practices you find objectionable, like those who try not to kill the environment, support the Black Lives Matter movement, or punish gun manufacturers in some of the many ways the liberals are trying to get people to do these days is the “front-end” method of “conscious” investing
But there’s a “back-end” way, too. Stay invested in a problematic company, and confront them, according to Ron Lieber at The New York Times.
“BlackRock, which owns the iShares exchange-traded funds, said on Friday that it had already had constructive conversations with some gun manufacturers and is considering whether it should create funds that exclude gun manufacturers and retailers,” Lieber wrote in his above-linked article on the subject.
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We Love a Good Acronym
And we know you readers do, too. So we give you ESG Investing. It’s investing in companies whose environmental, social and governance policies you approve of, according to an article by MoneyShow at Forbes. So, for us righties, this will be pretty easy. Any company would be fine unless we find out they’re headed by liberals and involved in progressive activities!
MoneyShow’s piece also cites three investment experts who say “socially conscious” investing (code for “liberal”) yields better returns. In the words of a certain orange prophet of doom we right-ers know and love: “Very unfair!”
Fun, Fun, Fun With Funds
This Forbes article is just chock-a-block with super-useful information. It lists three “diversified stock funds” that invest with companies with “good ESG policies.” To spell it out for you conservatives like us, do NOT, we repeat, do NOT invest with them. They’ll just use your hard-earned cash–what littlle the Deep State isn’t taxing away to hand off to lazy poor people–to support companies that don’t want to damage and kill the world and its future. What’s the point of even earning all this money if you can’t do active, extreme, and very Alt harm with it!
Financial Statements
“You are making a statement by where you invest,” says Andrei Cherny, chief executive of online bank Aspiration, as told to Taylor Tepper of Money. Damn straight! Which is why we recommend going straight to the source by calling up these companies and asking how you can make sure your investment dollars are going to them, what with all these sneaky ESG-ers trying to pull a liberal fast one on us conservatives: Deepwater Horizon, Exxon Mobil, Walmart…boy, it’s sad, but we can’t think of many more companies whose depravity we’re totally sure of. What is this world coming to, readers?!?!? Honestly, this is a lot of extra work. And that’s time. Time we could be spending mining the Internet for ever-more idiotic conspiracy theories. So, it may be wise to just take a deep breath and then do the following.
And: Chaos is the new normal–and we want more!
Back to Alt-Basics
How about this investment idea? Donate to President Donald Trump’s reelection campaign. Now, your returns won’t be monetary capital, they’ll be social capital. When he wins, we’ll get to continue having our White People Temper Tantrum at having to share power with the dark-skinned which officially began the day the aforementioned great, great man put his hand on a Bible on a cold January morning in 2017, and promised to lead us down a path of death and destruction. Because, as far as we Alt-ers are concerned, if we can’t be in charge and be the majority in this country we claim to love, we’re going to tear it all down. And we’re going to do that in the most twisted way, by using its laws, traditions, and protocol against it as our leaders violate, ignore, and devalue those in the pursuit of letting women and minorities know we’d rather kill our baby than share custody. Totes sane, right?
Money Makes the World Go Off Its Axis
Basically, dear readers, we need to be careful about how we store our assets. Very careful. If you want to be one-hundred percent sure you’re not inadvertently funding the Nanny State with what you thought were your innocent investments, you could always go the classic paranoid white person route and stuff your earnings as cash under your mattress. That way you avoid Jewish bankers getting it all…well, Jewish, too!
We’ll be back next week with more deranged, right-wing tips on all things green–like money, not the sustainable! Until then, may the Almighty Dollar be with you.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
