‘Round and ’round the Trump Admin goes./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Alexandra King.
What’s up, Alt-fun-lovers?! We at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) hope this latest nausea-inducing week in the Trump admin is treating you well. Resignations, adult-film actress lawsuits, presidential lashings-out. How could it get more mirthful?!
Well, we’re about the answer that question. And the answer going to be, “A lot!”
We hope you’re sitting down for this one. President Donald Trump is getting ready to open a Trump-White-House-themed amusement park! Trump-themed goods and services are always a hit–Trump University, Trump steaks, and now…Donnytown. Hopefully, this merriment park will be as successful as all of Trump’s business ventures are, so we Alt-right-ers can enjoy it for a good week or two before foreclosure.
Don’t Miss: Whip up a batch of Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News-Nincompoop Kool-Aid.
Donnytown will have all your classic amusement park attractions made even better with a tinge of Trump. So, get out your sunscreen, UV-protectant-hats, and hip packs, because we’re about to take a sneak peek below at all the right-wing merriment. And what good, red-blooded Americans don’t love a little manufactured excitement when their cushy, suburban lifestyles are boring them!
You Must Be This Spray-Tanned to Ride
Number one on the list of epic, epic attractions at Donnytown is the Mind Melter. It’s a rollercoaster with 71 death-defying drops, one for each year of Trump’s life, and five gravity-violating loops, one for each of Trump’s children.
“The name is based on the fact that anyone who tries to follow the comings and goings or hirings and firings out of the President’s White House will likely experience their brains turning into a puddle of grey jello, given their frequency, nonsensicalness, and the fear they induce in us all for the solvency of the American republic,” giggled White House counselor Kellyanne Conway at a press conference.
Conway warned reporters not to call the disorder in the administration “chaos,” however, as this story from U.S. News confirms.
“Twump-y doesn’t wike that, so, shhhhhhh!” she said with a finger to her lips and a high-pitched chuckle, rocking slightly from side to side.
Related: How you can make sure your knees are in top knee-jerk, right-wing shape.
One Lump or Two?
If you haven’t tossed your cookies after the Mind Melter, head on over to the Kelly/Kushner Teacup Ride. Those two are one of the many warring factions at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue these days, reported The Hill. Their constant butting-of-heads will inspire you and your fellow riders to push-and-pull over and over to make the teacups spin as dizzying as possible. And that is, after all, how teacup rides, and apparently White Houses now, too, work.
Fox News Pirate Ship
Another totally side-splitting, eye-bugging, horror-producing activity you can partake in at Donnytown is the Life Ender! You’ll be strapped onto the walls of a box-shaped enclosure emblazoned with images of all the Trump admin officials who’ve bitten the dust, whether willingly or not, like Gary Cohn, this week, so far. You slowly ascended eight stories, one for each month the Trump admin’s existed. Suddenly, the floor will open up and at the same moment, you’ll free-fall to your death–almost! You stop just before hitting the ground, of course–like the 35 Trump Admin officials who’ve hit the White House bricks so far, as CNN reminds us.
Yummy, Yummy–a la Trump
Next up, we recommend you avail yourself of the delectable Funneling Money Away From Their Intended Purpose Funnel Cakes at one of the many so-named kiosks peppered about the park. Just imagine those delicious rings of fried dough covered in confectioner’s sugar melting in your mouth. And while you’re eating them, imagine Russian bankers funneling money to the NRA to help Trump get elected, as CNN reported.
A New Kind of Merry-Go-Round
Who doesn’t love a gentle merry-go-round ride, sitting atop slightly-scary plexiglass, lightly bouncing faux-horses? Well, Donnytown’s gonna go you one better. This fun-park’s merry-go-round lets you ride on the backs of plexiglass “sculptures” of immigrants, just as we Alt-Americans benefit from the vital work they perform–and then support an administration that punishes them for being who they are.
Awww–Honey, You Shouldn’t Have
If you need an oversized cuddly stuffed animal for your honey–as our dear, dear President probably does right about now, given that all his extramarital affairs that are coming to light as outlined by Business Insider, make your way on over, next, to the Whac-a-Mole game. This classic theme park merriment is Trump-ized in a super-cool way. You won’t be whacking plastic gophers, groundhogs, or bunnies. No, you’ll be whacking plastic effigies and logos of some of Trump’s favorite targets–Jeff Sessions, Robert Mueller, Rosie O’Donnell, CNN, MSNBC, and more.
And: See what Stephen Miller wants to do for your home decor with his new design firm, XenoHome!
Bathroom Break
When it’s time to relieve yourself head on over to the male and female bathrooms, replete with many signs making it clear that transpeople are not welcome in either, nor acknowledged in any way. Isn’t it nice and just-plain-fair that hate gets equal play in Trump’s America? It’s just another, totally valid point of view, but not wrong in any way. And if transpeople need to go to the bathroom, well, they can piss and shit themselves–they already have hard lives, why not go whole hog?
The fun doesn’t stop there, Alt-right-ers. There are also “White” and “Colored” bathrooms in honor of Attorney General Jeff Sessions and his attempts to roll back civil rights to the good ol’ days of Jim Crow!
“The President has only love for the LGBT and African-Americans–but the days of ‘special rights’ for them are gone,” Conway noted. “The bathrooms at Donnytown will hopefully bring that home to those who visit and ensure them it’s not so bad, right?”
Perch If You’re Parched
If you need to quench your thirst–the regular kind, not the kind for the blood of minority groups–make your way to the Scott Pruitt Watering Hole. There you can wade into raw-sewage water, courtesy of the rising shorelines flooding water treatment plants because global warming isn’t happening and get some bottled H20.
And the Answer Is…
The more traditional among you Right Wing Nut Jobs (RWNJs) and SYRW readers will want to head over to the Betsy DeVos arcade, which has super-challenging coin-operated trivia games. Don’t worry if you know nothing about trivia–DeVos knows nothing about education. The whole point of this area is to know nothing, and that should be easy for all your conservative coolios!
Last But Not Least Horrifying
Even the most rugged, tough, brave among us conserva-fun-lovers tremble at the sight of an amusement park pirate ship, isn’t that right, SYRW readers? The one you’ll ride at Donnytown is even more teeth-chatter-inducing than ones you’ve been on before! It’s called the Fox News Fear Monger, and each seat comes equipped with a TV screen that plays Fox News BS-“reporting” on the Muslims, gays, immigrants, and blacks coming to get you. With each rock of the ship, a new, dubiously-sourced story appears on the screen. And when you’re fully upside down, Jeanine Pirro appears on the little boob tube you’re watching to shriek at you, “The world is changing–panic and resist it! You’re not safe! I have no valid evidence of any of this, but it gets my network ratings! AAAAAAAAAAA!”
Also: Get the deets on Melania’s new pet FLOTUS project.
Meanwhile…
We know, SYRW, readers, that you are just itching to book your tickets today, and we understand. But the park’s not even fully-functional yet, Perhaps until it is, for diversion, you can simply, get one of the guns you prize over everything else, open your front door and shoot at deer, women in hijab, or maybe some Spanish-speaking immigrants. We’re sure Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke and Attorney General Jeff Sessions together can get you out of any hot water if you end up seriously injuring any of those sentient beings. After all, they’re expendable just like, political norms and protocol, the rule of law, and democracy itself. Oh, it’s gearing up to be one fun, fun, fun summer!
“We really want the American people to enjoy our theme-park homage to how my boss is ruining the country, and my polling shows 12% of Americans missing their brains really are anticipating loving it when it opens,” said Conway.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
