Melania’s got more orange fish to fry, apparently./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, yuratosno.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close! My very, very, very, oh-so-very connected sources at the White House had some secret information for me that even I, a Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) whose stock in trade is things I know, but shouldn’t–yet must! It’s about the First Lady of the United State (FLOTUS), and it’s a doozie!
The Color Makes the Man
In the wake of the news that Melania is in the U.S. based on her supposed qualification for the EB-1 Einstein Visa for people with “extraordinary ability,” tongues have been wagging about how she got said Visa and if Donald did any finagling, bribing, crony-ing, etc. to help her get it. Newsweek published an article on the subject and Tweeted about it along with a criticism of Trump for being a hypocrite given his hardline and xenophobic stance on immigration. And who should like the Tweet but Melania’s verified Twitter account, according to Jessica Kwong of Newsweek. Her account has since unliked the Tweet, but everyone, their mothers, and their dogs have a screenshot of it.
Yesterday’s News Isn’t News
Thanks to my inside-the-insiders sources in the Trump Administration, I have more, related news for you. And, like I said, it’s a don’t-go-there doozie!
A source close to Melania told me that Melania has set aside cyberbullying as the cause she hopes to work on as First Lady, whenever she gets around to it.
“Melania is talking to experts–as vilified as they are in the Trump Era–doing research, and gathering a team of experienced professionals to start the Oversized Oompah Loompah Deportation Program–the OOLDP, for short,” my source said to me in a phone interview. That office will seek to weed out and fling into the international dumpster overweight non-U.S. citizens of an orange hue and boot them back to their home countries. As head of this arm of the federal government, Melania hopes to find, round up, and deport any spray-tanned chubsters with big mouths and bizarre hair, examine their citizenship status, find out what their ethnic background is, and if possible, send them packing for wherever their people originated from.
Related: See what Ivanka’s doing to help the whole fam escape trouble in the Mueller probe.
I had the same first thought as you, dear SYRW readers: does she hope to eventually get The Donald deported! Given the two alleged extramarital affairs that the Alt-president has had and that have been exposed by the Fake News media in the past couple months–one with porn thespian Stormy Danielz and one with ex-Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal–it wouldn’t be that unthinkable that Melania would want her own, special sort of public revenge on the Philanderer in Chief. Perhaps this is the ticket.
A Change of Heart or a Change of Mind?
Early on in Trump’s reign, Melania announced that, in the tradition of many first ladies before her, she had a cause close to her heart that she hoped to do charitable and activist work within. When she announced that cause was cyberbullying, the media immediately pointed out, loudly and often, that her husband was Public Enemy Number One when it came to cyberbullying. We didn’t hear much about her hope to effect change in relation to that cultural issue for a while after that, except for angry but empty protestations from her press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, that she was simply taking her time getting started. Eight months into the Trump Era, she has yet to utter a peep about it.
“Melania is as devoted as ever to her loving–and lovely, I might add–husband,” Grisham said when I asked her if the rumor about the OOLDP was true. “She has no plans to initiate or head up an Oversized Oompah Loompah Deportation Program. Any insinuation otherwise is disgusting and a rumor of Democratic origin.” In Trump-ese, this means, “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.”
Color Me Angry
Melania has been enraged privately since the news of Donald’s two affairs came out. One night, another one of my sources told me, she channeled Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest and, slathered cold cream on her face, put on a kabuki-esque dress, and ripped all the orange clothing from both her and Donald’s closest. She then cut them to shreds with a seamstresses’ scissors and deposited them in a trash can in the Oval Office, so all who enter that space would see. She pulled Donald out of his head and made him help, and when he protested slightly, she beat him with a wire hanger.
The next morning she instructed her staff to throw out everything decorative item, appliance, or rug in the White House with even a speck of orange in them and never to bring any orange citrus fruit or products derived from them into 1600 Pennsylvania.
You know what they say: hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Apparently, that’s true even if the woman has to make nice to continue living the extravagant lifestyle she’s used to, doesn’t want to disrupt her son’s life, and may be biding her time until the Alt-President is being fed applesauce in an old folks home with his Alzheimer’s meds crushed up in that pulverized-fruit yumminess. Some in the gabbing circuit in D.C. say that’s what she’s doing, and as soon as they’re not in the limelight as much, she’ll divorce him faster than he can tweet a nasty remark about a Congressional leader!
Orange Trumpius
Honestly, how many people who look exactly like DJT in the country can there be? Tall, basketball-colored, and pudgy-figured? I can’t think of any, personally. So is there one, and only one target for the OOLDP? A sign of Vitamin C poisoning is the sufferer’s skin turning orange-ish, so there’s the possibility that such folks are of the same new racial group as Donnykins.
I know what you’re thinking, dear readers? How could we go on were The Don-ster not here in the good ol’ U.S. of A.? What would give us hope if not his empty promises to Make America Great Again? I honestly don’t know, readers. As much as you are, I’m hoping this idea languishes on the grapevine and never comes to fruition Still, I thought you should know what I know about it.
Until next time, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
Also: These Trump Admin officials wrote Percent Poems about themselves–have a look-see!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
