It’s raining conservative men–Hallelujah!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Minerva Studio.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
As we said in last week’s Beauty column, all one needs in the Trump Era to be beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, breathtaking, and devastatingly splendiferous in bone structure and physique is simply a state of mind. If Jocelyn Wildenstein can claim not to have had plastic surgery, which she is now saying, then we are all at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) different combinations of Michelangelo’s David, Audrey Hepburn, and Beyonce. Take our words for it, readers! In the Trump Era, there is no such thing as “reality,” nor are there “facts.” There are just vague reality facsimiles that can be massaged and manipulated to suit your egotistical needs.
There is one thing that remains true about beauty, however, even now: middle-aged men who are hairless of head and doughy of physique are much, much sexier, more come hither, more break-me-off-a-piece of that when they have one thing going for them. That thing is money, money, money. The green, cheddar, the Benjamins, call it what you will, it can make a person who’s heinous AF seem vaguely doable, and isn’t all they need to be, really? Let’s review some members of Team Trump who give new meaning to the phrase, “You look like a million bucks,” shall we?
I Think Icahn
First up in monetarily-appealing Team Trump tantalizers is Carl Icahn. This billionaire byoot is a longtime friend of Don Jon, and was at one time a special adviser to the President, as well. The billionaire investor made his fortune via a variety of different means, one of which might be insider trading!
Just before Trump announced tariffs on imported steel and aluminum, a move that took his economic advisers by surprise and angered his base of moronic asswipe supporters–which this website’s staff is included in, obvi–Icahn “sold $31.3 million in shares of a steel-related company just before Trump announced tariffs on imported steel and aluminum,” according to Huffington Post. Well, what a happy coincidence, huh, readers? That’s all it is though, a happy coincidence. Yes, that’s right: co-incidence, meaning it happened as the same time as something else, but it’s unrelated. So Icahn doesn’t look like a million bucks, he looks like 31.3 million bucks.
If Youcahn dream it, our dear readers, Youcahn be it. Never forget that. And by that we mean, if you have priveliged information about the workings of an industry worth billions, you can buy and sell stocks with that knowledge to your advantage and with impunity in Trump’s America.
Untillerson Next Time
If you’re one of the many people who is highly confused by exactly what Rex “Rexxon” Tillerson is doing as Secretary of State, readers, we regret to inform you that we can’t help you figure it out. Aside from peering over his spectacles a lot, he doesn’t seem to do much. This is a position that has been used by the likes of Madeline Albright, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and others to pursue diplomatic solutions to international crises, broker world peace, and help the United States of America lead the way in global stewardship. Under Rex Tillerson, who the hell knows what it does.
One of the things Tillerson hasn’t done is anything with the $120 million Congress has allocated to the State Department to counter Russian efforts to meddle in U.S. elections. Despite unanimous agreement that the meddling did and will happen by everyone whose opinion on this subject matters, not to mention a heating up of the issue in the wake of Trump’s election upset, and the Prez’s oddly cozy relationship with Russian president Vladimir Putin, Tillerson has spent none of the anti-Russian-meddling funds.
“If it’s their intention to interfere, they’re going to find ways to do that,” Mr. Tillerson said in an interview last month with Fox News. “And we can take steps we can take, but this is something that once they decide they are going to do it, it’s very difficult to pre-empt it,” reported The New York Times.
So, it appears Tillerson looks like $120 million bucks and it that he intends to keep it that way.
Some think Tillerson is doing an acceptable job in his position atop the diplomatic heap, mind you.
And: Foods that could help Trump and others compromise on steel and aluminum tariffs.
“But I think Rex Tillerson, in an unusual administration with an unusual president, who has never been in government before, is really doing a very good job on the diplomacy and just putting his head down and going about that work. And under these circumstances, I think that’s the best thing to do,” Condoleeza Rice told Fareed Zakaria of CNN, as reported by Newsweek.
Bedminster, Bath, and Beyond
Now, in terms of a certain tangerine-hued man whose net worth is still up for debate, a one President Donald Trump, it would be like stating peacocks are beautiful to say, “He’s hot,”. So we won’t. We just tried and threw up in our mouths a l’il bit. He’s sexy and you know it, right, readers? We don’t want to preach to the Conserva-choir. We will tell you some other Trump-related numbers, however.
Don Jon “has visited one of his company’s properties on nearly one-third of the days he has been in office, according to a Wall Street Journal review of the president’s travel,” according to an analysis by the said newspaper.
Each time Trump goes to his Bedminster, New Jersey golf course, we taxpayers shell out $839,858.76. And each time he visits his Mar-a-Lago, Florida home, the bill, paid for with taxpayer funds, comes to $3.6 million, according to American Progress Action. So we the people don’t look like hundreds and hundreds of million bucks.
We hope that we’ve apprised you, dear SYRW readers, of some fantabulous little ways you can be a sexy bish even if your countenance leaves a little–or a lot–to be desired. All you need to do is earn millions of dollars, and you too can have yourself a Melania of your own. So, what are you waiting for? Go out there and start earning, already, will ya’? Do you want to die alone, or something, like a person who doesn’t look like a million bucks? Until next week, readers, may the fiduciary force be with you!
Also: See what food consistency levels have to do with political-stance consistency!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
