The world’s their oyster–unless someone pushes Javanka off a cliff!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Biletskiy Evgeniy.
Ahoy, Right-Wing travel buffs!
Rumors are swirling around Washington, D.C. and all over the Internet, that information landfill, that Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump (Javanka), despite their virtual attachment at the spreading hips of President Donald Trump may be the next high profile, Trump Admin members to get their walking papers. as detailed in this MSNBC article by Brian Williams. It would be pretty depressing for Kushner to go back to sucking at making real estate deals (not that he ever stopped while in the White House, because ethics are for poor people who aren’t related to the president) and for Ivanka to resume signing off on knock-off designs that other people designed for her fashion line. They may well have to do these things, for lack of anything else they want to do. But either as a break in between returning to their old lives or as a permanent destination for their futures post-the presidential admin from hell, we have some ideas for where these to happily-marrieds could head.
It’s Gettin’ Hot In Herre
So take off all your clothes. So sang Hip-Hop artist Nelly in his classic 2002 dance anthem, “Hot In Herre,” And our first suggestion for where Javanka can go, is to hell. Now, we’re Alt-righters, and so we blindly support anyone and everyone President Donald J. Trump tells us to. However, Javanka never really got to the top of the list of the Alt-right’s fave, probably because Jared’s Jewish, and the right-wing is not-so-secretly anti-Semitic, save for Evangelicals, who just want all Jews to go to Israel so the Christian messiah can appear. Anyhow, these two have done next to nothing of note during their time in the White House, besides lie about Russian contacts, bite of more than they can chew, be complicit in Trump’s dumpster fire of a presidency, and use their position as White House aides to further their personal business and fatten their bank accounts.
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How to Prepare: Arrange for care for their children, as those three innocent wee ones should still have the possibilities of good lives.
What to Pack: Does it really matter? The underworld, as told in the theological texts of several world religions, is an expanse of fire hotter than can be expressed in Earthy terms. Still, they can’t show up empty-handed. Perhaps a suitcase full of summer clothes, like shorts, tank tops, underwear, sandals, but not sunscreen, as UV radiation is said not to be a concern down there. Also, as much bottled water as possible, as they’ll be getting pretty parched surrounded by flames. We’re assuming their devices might simply melt, so forget those. Take Dante’s Inferno as a travel guide.
What to See: Well, take your sunglasses Javanka! You’ll wanna protect your the rods and cones in your eyes from melting for as long as possible. Other than that, we’re not sure what there is to see there, which is why Inferno will be indispensable to you, we think.
What to Know: You’ll likely have the many exciting, intelligent, charming, good-looking humans that have ever existed as your roommates, shall we say? How often have we all heard someone say, “I wouldn’t mind going to hell, because that’s where all the interesting people are going to be?”
Particulars: You’ll feel your skin burning, but you’ll live for eternity. So, consult a good burn specialist before you go–and you no doubt have access to the best healthcare available, given your wealth, so this should be easy peasy.
Cannonball!
And: You won’t believe the truth behind Rob Porter’s exit that only SYRW can tell you!
Another option for Javanka is to take the old-fashioned advice to go jump in a lake. This is the recommendation of dorky baby boomers and their parents alike. It basically means, “Get lost.”
How to Prepare: Arrange for care for their children, as those three innocent wee ones should still have the possibilities of good lives. The couple should brush up on their swimming skills, too.
What to Pack: Scuba gear! That way they can go diving and see all the amazing things below that Trump’s environmental deregulation hasn’t already killed. Perhaps a full-body scuba suit at all times, as Trump’s EPA director likely hasn’t done much for clean waterways.
What to See: If Javanka can see through the polluted waters the Trump Admin hath wrought, well then, they should explore all the marine flora and fauna that still remain alive despite the Earth’s tenuous state in 2018.
What to Know: They can only stay underwater for so long, so they should have a plan as to where to go after they’ve exhausted their initial oxygen tanks. Perhaps a lonely cabin in the woods by the lake they jumped into, where they can leave behind the stress and worry of their high-profile lives up until their decision to go underwater.
Particulars: Beware of predatory fish and other marine life, though life in the Trump White House has probably made them quite adept at identifying and handling vipers.
Lonely But Liberating
The last idea we have for Javanka on where their lives post-Trump could take place is in exile.
How to Prepare: Arrange for care for their children, as those three innocent wee ones should still have the possibilities of good lives. Say your goodbyes, Javanka. Get your estate in order. Tie up loose ends financially, familially, emotionally, etc. Exile means you’re probably not coming back.
What to Pack: Lots of stuff–books, movies, music, magazines, snacks–to keep you occupied. Your digital devices, as no one said you can’t remain in touch with your loved ones to some extent on whatever far-off land you end up in.
What to Know: Crossword puzzle books, Sudoku compilation books, and a deck of cards will come in handy, we bet, as a life of banishment can get pretty boring. So we’re told.
Particulars: You may meet other exiled-community members with whom you can bond, so download appropriate apps to facilitate this and sign up for some Meetups.
What a Short, Strange Trip It Will Have Been
We wonder what you readers think of our, admittedly harsh, ideas for Javanka. Too bad we cant allow comments, because to do so would open us up to all sorts of trolling, hatred, bullying, and abuse. Get it together, Internet universe! Whatever Javanka’s next act is we hope they find, peace, contentment, and a life path that doesn’t negatively affect the life of the nation and world.
Also: See what Jared Kushner’s reading to support him in these times of tumult in the White House!
Until next week, SYRW readers, Bon Voyage!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
