Cooking be fun and meaningful even for the most humorless, amoral D.C. lawmakers!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Rzoog.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists!
Pretty much everyone who lives on the third planet from the shining orb known as the sun has heard of Trump’s intent to levy import tariffs on steel and aluminum coming into our dear United States of America, right, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? If not this hand, dandy article by Paul Davidson at USA Today. The backlash to this move many White House watchers described as out-of-the-blue continues to be both national, from Republicans, and international, from many countries who take exception to the spasmodic decision by the Orange in Chief due to the chaotic effects it’s expected to have on international economies, as this article by Scott Neuman for NPR details.
“The tariffs are great for US steelmakers–but they’re bad for a large part of the US economy that relies on steel…” reported Alexia Fernandez Campbell for Vox. As always, Trump is in the corner of Trump supporters, supporting big industries, with no concern for actual consumers, the patsies like us who continue to support him.
Well, we’re a U.S.-based website, so we couldn’t even venture advice on how to calm the global chaos (Did you hear that, readers? That was a sound you almost never hear–an Alt-righter admitting he/she doesn’t know something and shouldn’t act on that knowledge!).
We do, however, know a bit about using the act of cooking and then eating what you’ve cooked to bring people together. And so, we submit the following culinary proposals for your bonding-related consideration.
Get Mugged
If you haven’t heard of mug cakes, we’re going to tell you all about them and you’re going be glad we did! They’re fun, fun, fun to make and to eat.
Mug Cakes are a great place to start, and we recommend Trump and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Mi), who along with his Republican fellows, fears a trade war will ensue as a result of Trump’s proposed tariffs, tell everyone else to high-tail it outta the White House Kitchen. Then they should get to baking these yummy treats all alone to make sure the victuals- bonding happens at an intimate level.
We offer these recipes via All Recipes for ingredients and procedures to stir up some nom-nom-mug cakes
We can just see it now. Trump and Ryan in aprons that say “I Heart Russia,” and “Go Red or Go Home.” respectively, throwing the ingredients for these microwaveable treats together. Then, while the cakes cook, they could begin making small talk–“So, how’s Vladimir today?” “Who are you thinking of strong-arming out of your administration?” “Who are you going to send thoughts and prayers and nothing more to?” When the delicious, sugary sweets are done baking, the took can perch on top of stools, flour and batter endearingly smeared on their aprons, and get to chatting about how they can make this whole steel-aluminum-tariff thing work for the side Trump represents–Trump–and the side Ryan represents–Congressional Republicans. Who cares what the people want! It’s not like their beholden to those who voted these two into office! No, they need only worry about the lobbyists and corporations who fund their campaigns for reelection!
When the Moon Hits Your Eye
So went the song, “That’s Amore,” when it played over the iconic image of Lady and the Tramp chewing on the same piece of spaghetti until their lips met in the middle–awwwww! Whose heart didn’t melt at that moment of Disney’s “Lady and the Tramp.” Perhaps the people who were vomiting at the overly-cutesy nature of the scene?
Kissing may be a little much for Trump and Congressional Republicans.
But they could make some pasta according to the directions on the back of any store-bought brand. While that yumminess is boiling to al-dente, they could hand make a marinara sauce according to this recipe at, again, All Recipes. They’d have to make sure to smash the stewed tomatoes, the base of the sauce, together. As they dipped their hands in a bowl of red, slimy orbs together, their hands would inevitably meet, collide, intertwine. Coming together in a digit-based tactile fashion could lead to coming together on policy, right, readers?
I Scratch Your Pizza, You Scratch My Pizza
Another idea to get these to on the same page as far as tariffs would be to have each make a pizza for the other. They could start with this basic recipe, from, you guessed it, All Recipes. Each would take the others order and have to sprinkle the topic on his fellow lawmaker’s pizza, and bake the pie, alone. Then the other could come back in the room to try the pizza he ordered. Even if he didn’t like it, it would be a gut-busting exercise in friendship-making. They could then sit down to eat their pizzas while discussing how to make the steel and aluminum tariffs palatable, pun intended, to all affected parties.
Political Lubricant
To really take the easing of tensions to the next level, Trump and Ryan could involve alcohol in the processes above. A sweet dessert wine to accompany the mug cakes, a crisp pinot grigio to go with the pasta and homemade marinara, and a tart red to partner with their pizzas for each other would be excellent ideas, says the sommelier we have on staff here at SYRW. Once people loosen up, tossing their inhibitions, things can move forward at a pace they didn’t foresee or even want. Luckily, Trump doesn’t drink. So, only he’d get what he wants with the introduction of booze into the equation. And that’s what we Alt-righters want, right–whatever Trump wants whether it’s good or bad for anyone. We just love, support, admire, and trust him. And only God knows why.
Culinary Pas de Deux
There you have it, dear SYRW readers, some meal ideas to make and enjoy in the pursuit of detente between those from different sides of the aluminum and steel tariff issue. We hope getting messy, rambunctious, and giggly in the kitchen will pave the way for some tete-a-tetes between interested parties on the steel. import tariff issue. Perhaps a new Hands Across America will come to fruition, leading citizens to join hands in an uninterrupted chain of unity across the entire nation. You know, that, or we’ll continue drifting further and further apart under the Divider in Chief until there’s a Civil War 2.0!
Also: Book your spot on a Trump Talk the Talk Walking Tour, hosted by Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Ca.) now.
Until next week, readers, Bon Appetit, Cheers, and Mmm-Mmmm!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
