If no one else, your sarcastic friends at this website are by your side./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Romolo Tavani.
May the Almighty Dollar be with you, Red-state readers!
The future belongs to the youth in this country, and they seem righty removed from the Alt-political agenda. They have captured the zeitgeist, they’re moving forward, they’re forging a new path of progressive values and actions. The Parkland shooting was their moment, and even though Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) exists to mock the right wing, in all seriousness, these young adults coming into their own and redirecting the political conversation inspire us, give us hope for the future, and makes us feel that humanity isn’t doomed. These young people are smart, aware, and WOKE. And they are getting stuff done. Yes, yes, yes!
Meanwhile, all those of us who refuse to follow their lead, like hysterical Wayne LaPierre, intolerable Dana Loesch, ridiculous Jeannine Pirro, and all the other right-wing nutjobs (RWNJs) maniacally making up conspiracy theories, bashing the younger generations for having a clue, and lashing out in so many ways, well, they’re just…not relevant anymore. It can be scary going from feeling like you had all the attention, power, and cultural capital to deservedly fading into ignominy So, we at SYRW put together some ideas about items–Stuff We Love–that can help those who wish to foolishly cling to the past cope with their changing status in society.
Warm and Fuzzy on the Outside
Most people, including those on the Alt-right, though we resemble people less and less as we continue to support Trump and also hard-lines on political issues, don’t have stuffed animals past the single-digit ages. However, sometimes you just need something soft, cute, fluffy, and totes adorbs to make you feel happy about life when loneliness, despair, and dejection comingle to create a depressive cocktail your mind keeps ordering. An example of a time when this might happen is when you’re a member of the right wing, and you tried to reassert culture dominance by electing and blindly, endlessly supporting a ridiculous person and his ridiculous agenda as revenge for the Obama years, because the realities of a quickly-progressing world scare you, and also for a host of other petulant and temper-tantrum-ish reasons. It’s a bad feeling to be left out in the cold. But a stuffed animal carried around with you and cuddled when needed can really help.
Throw one in your work tote or stylish man-purse, pull it out, and snuggle like there’s no tomorrow when you hear more Spanish than English at the mall and you feel like the foreigner for once, gun control legislation marches forward despite the right’s pathetic attempts at halting it, or you walk by a gay wedding in progress and realize no one really cares that you think the Bible says it’s wrong.
Hauling a Load
What many right-leaning people may find, as society changes for the better, becoming more inclusive, more accepting, and healthier for everyone (including the planet), is that the old ways we were all used to weren’t that good anyway. How are a future of increased rights for everyone, better health care, and more expansive education opportunities for all, and a less sick and more robust natural environment bad in any way? Oh, because the right doesn’t want to pay taxes? Get over it, dudes. Get. Over. It. That’s what civilized societies do for better collective outcomes. Yes, collective. Not You-Centered. Shocking, we know.
One way to remind you of how much worse the old ways you may still be clinging to are is to find an old pillowcase around your home and to fill it with books. For one day, lug it around with you everywhere. Literally, everywhere. It symbolizes the baggage you as a member of an enlightened society won’t have to carry anymore, the injustice, the chaos and anger, the darkness that used to lie ahead. It’s going to be gone! And in 24 hours, so will that cumbersome bag of books!
A Chair Is Still a Chair/Even If No One’s Sitting There
So sang R&B crooner Luther Vandross in his 1980s hit “A House Is Not a Home.” For this little exercise in coping with the new truths about life and the world–that it’s getting better as the young’uns take over–you’ll be aided in saying goodbye to the old ways that you were used to and that you may still think you want–guns everywhere, fewer non-white people in positions of power, no LGBT people at all. Imagine each of the old realities as a person. What does this person look like–face, hair, body, expression, clothes?
Now pull up an empty chair in front of you and imagine that person sitting in it. Say goodbye to it. It sounds hokey, we know, but it truly helps with closure and saying goodbye to the old, as you say hello to In-With-the-New! Keep doing this for each of the aspects of the cultural past that you can see disappearing (despite the dicks at Fox News trying to create a narrative where they won’t, because they’re going to shout and scream and try to get viewers riled up). Do this in more than one sitting–no pun intended, for once, on this site!–if you need to.
And: See what the experts say about bullies–and whether Trump is one.
Always With You
Change is hard. There’s no doubt about it. But it’s the one constant in life, and the most essential, natural part of the human experience. But certain people on the right are used to being the ones calling the shots, making the rules, and building the frameworks. Sorry, no one wants you to anymore. Youth like the Parkland survivors are where it’s at. Follow them or…well, get a comfortable bed and spend a lot of time in it, because you won’t have much else to do. We at SYRW will never abandon you, though. And we hope we’ve offered you some product ideas to help you manage a new–wonderful–reality, if you want to be part of it.
Well, we in the Stuff We Love department of SYRW better get off to searching for the latest items to help you live your best (worst?) Alt-life!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
