No, no, nooooooooooooooooooooo!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, beeboys.
Hello, Alt-design buffs and Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers!
Are you in a panic, freaking out, functioning in full-on emergency mode because things are getting wilder, more out-of-control, and frankly, scarier than you ever thought they might, perhaps like the folks over at 1600 Pennslyvania Avenue? News is breaking that the palace intrigue is going beyond amusing to make-it-stop-please-God-make-it-stop over at the address from hell. Given that President Donald Trump’s most trusted aide and confidante Hope Hicks resigned Wednesday, according to CNN; that Special Counsel Robert Muelller’s probe is once again looking at the possibility that Trump himself colluded to do a dump of Clinton emails at an opportune moment for him, according to MSNBC; and that dueling memos on the Mueller probe are indications of a White House in freak-out freefall, according to The Hill, we thought the White House may want to avail itself of some interior design refurbishing tips to help the decor there fall in line with their new reality.
Throw Your Hands Up…And Around a Pillow
The first-line uses for pillows include: comfort, rest, charming accents and lots more. They’re one of those wonderful home accessories that serve purposes as diverse as a place to put your head at night, the material for a play fort for the kiddoes, or a way to prop your knees up as you recline. We have some less common uses for them that Team Trump may want to look into.
They can be great items to bite into, hard and tense, when anger, stress, or fear are getting the best of you. Toss some on an easily-reachable surface in your domicile so you can grab one at a moment’s notice when the next lunatic event in your life manifests, and just dig in with your chompers like it’s a bite guard the dentist gave you. You can always replace them if need be, or buy some inexpensive cushions at any home goods store or on any such website for just this purpose. You can also grip these babies until your knuckles bleed, and that’s a great way to channel all the emotions that come up when your life prospects go down!
You can always safely pummel a person or piece of furniture with a soft pillow without causing much permanent damage, if any. Don’t forget, though! Be careful not to let the corner of any pillow or a zipper attached to it poke anyone in the eye. That’s a bad one!
Another wondrous use for pillows is to put one over each ear and push for dear life while scrunching up your eyes if some auditory input–like the news of impending doom at the White House–is getting to be just too much for you.
Related: See what right-wing erotic products you simply must have!
A New Type of Lockdown
Schools, sadly, can be on lockdown a lot these days, when there’s an active shooter in the midst. Prisons can, too, when authorities fear an inmate has escaped. Hospitals can be no-one-in-no-one-out when doctors fear an unruly patient is a danger to himself/herself or others. And now your home can be too, just for you as your psychological needs dictate in terribly trying times. So dash on out to the home goods store or log on to that website again, but this time get anywhere from five to 50 locks of every sort–deadbolt, slide, chain, you name it. Screw them in, or get someone good at such procedures to do it for you, and you’ll be safer. Or at least, you’ll feel safer, especially with the comforting sound, sights, and feelings of the locks being engaged, the turn-and-click, the garb-and-slide, the jingle-and-push.
And don’t think of locks as just a way to keep people at bay, like howling wolf-types coming to hunt you down, or even just things, like the winds of change you feel you must resist. No, no, dear readers! They’re also good at keeping inside and from escaping things like you and your secrets, your computers and their hard drives, any papers with incriminating evidence of crimes on them, and the power and influence you desperately want to hold on to.
Don’t get us wrong, though, locks of every shape and size can be aces at keeping out the Mueller investigators as they show up with torches and pitchforks to take you downtown for the crime you know you committed. Or did you know? Who knows!
Curtain Call
Often, it seems, when talking about decorating based on inner-White House workings, we find ourselves mentioning curtains. Well, they are a dramatic item–just ask Hamlet! But they’re also great for blocking out light, preventing it from sending terror-inducing shadows across your walls. They can keep people from looking in and seeing what else they may want to take from you, now that they’ve made your pretty aide Hope Hicks go away, robbed your son-in-law of his security clearance, and forced you to allow a redacted version of the Democratic memo on the Mueller investigation to go public.
As you cower in a corner, leaping up to frantically pull aside a set of black-out curtains, which can be fashioned from any heavy, opaque fabric, you’ll be much better able to cower in a corner of your abode, chomping on your fingernails, shaking violently, and sweating profusely.
Of course, you could always go the super-inexpensive route and use duct tape to affix trash bags around the perimeter of any windows in your home. The visual of this fenestration-related choice will bring home the idea that you’re involved in a horribly ugly, uncomfortable, bottom-of-the-barrel situation.
Fear-Based Design Can Be Fun!
As you can see, dear SYRW readers, the tips we offered above are relatively inexpensive, require few handyman skills, and may even be doable with items lying around the President’s–or your–digs as it is. Despite their low cost, and ease of installation, these changes could go a long way in helping Trump and the Trump team cope with the constant chaos, unpredictability, and generally stressful goings-on in the seat of federal power or your life. Of course, if any of you, our readers, are going through such taxing times, they could help you, too. We hope you’re not experiencing anything on this level of volatility in your life, as it simply not good for the mind, body, and soul. Luckily for the White House, most people there have simple minds, already-unfit bodies, and nonexistent souls!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
