A hand for every pair of insults he delivers./Image: ABC News.
Hey, hey, hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys! It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
Every week when I bring you more behind-the-scenes White House gossip, how is next week going to top that, believing it just can’t. Oh, but it can, my dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. Oh, but it can. And again, this week it did.
I was having high tea with one of my loose-lipped sources at Bergdorf’s D.C., when I recalled to her one of White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders greatest hits. Sanders said the following: “I think he’s an equal opportunity president. He hits men just as hard. Women want equal opportunity and this president certainly gives it to them,” Sanders opined in an appearance on The View as reported by the Daily Beast. The both of us chuckled, my source asking for another starched linen napkin to daintily dab the tea droplets on her white blouse.
My source leaned in close, looking at me intensely, and said, “Bubbles, you have no idea how to true that is.” I, of course, had to know, then, so I could pass it on to my lovely Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. Read on!
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Where the Sun Don’t Shine
By now the Access Hollywood hot mic incident is well-known to pretty much everyone. In said incident, recorded for posterity, Trump boasts for several minutes about how he grabs women in their nether regions against their will, just because he can do anything as the celebrity he fancies himself. A celebrity, I should add, we’re all making him more of by supporting him every day.
Apparently, Trump makes good on this promise at least weekly, and as Sanders said, he makes sure to be an equal opportunity genital-grabber.
My source told me she once saw him say, “How’s the kitty cat doin’ today, Conway?” to White House Counsel Kellyanne Conway. Conway, of course, giggled like an overgrown and overtan schoolgirl in response.
Later the same day, my source reported that she witness Trump plunge his hand toward White House Chief of Staff Gen. John Kelly’s crotch and said, “Feelin’ good there my main.” Kelly said nothing and high-tailed it out of there.
Leaving a Paper Trail
Another time, this same source told me, she was in a meeting with President Trump and a senior, male White House staffer. Trump became frustrated with this staffer’s news that the Democrats wanted a clean DACA bill.
“I ask you do get me one thing done, and you can’t even do that. F–k all this,” he said, tossing a manila folder bulging with papers at the young man, who, by the way, was Stephen Miller! The papers ejected from the folder as Miller closed his eyes and stood there otherwise stoically. After they had cascaded their way down to the ground, he turned abruptly and left.
Later, my source, who is, of course, a woman, brought Trump’s Diet Coke in without the right kind of curly straw, as Trump engaged in a heated conversation on his cell phone. He hung up angrily, and said, “Sick of this damn job. You want to take it from me?” He said to my source. He then laughed and tossed a pile of papers in her face.
Fancy Meeting You Here
Just as our gossiping Koffee Klatch was getting into full swing, who should amble by but another one of my good friends and confidential White House sources. We told her how we were talking about our President of principle and integrity, and how he even belittles people equalily, because he believes so strongly in equal rights, justice, and fairness.
She looked excited and said she had some stories on that topic too.
Hating on Haiti, Castigating the Congo
Apparently, Source Number Two was present, as were several other staffers, during a meeting that Trump took with a Haitian envoy after making disparaging comments about that country. When the two couldn’t reach an accord on relations between the two nations, Trump lashed out at him.
“Get the fuck outta here, you fuckin’ numb-nuts. Go back to your shithole country,” Trump said with a wave of his hand. The rest of the room stood there in stunned silence.
Another time, a Congolese national was conferring with the president about improving relations between those two countries after Trump used a highly pejorative way to talk about it, as well.
“I’m about five minutes away from telling you to get the fuck outta here, you fuckin’ numb nuts. You can go back to your shithole country for all I care,” Trump said to him. Trump had once again stunned the silent staffers present. He broke the silence with the following awesome observation said: “See my base likes that I speak the language of the people.”
Make Way for the Emperor–He’s Got New Clothes On
We all saw that video of Trump rushing passed Melania on Inauguration Day, right readers? Not because he’s a jerk, but because he was so eager to get to making America great again. And the one of him shoving the Montenegrin president aside at the NATO meeting a few months back? In that case, his boorishness was a simple accident, an oversight, an oopsie. And that makes it A-Okay. It seems this shoving thing is a common theme in Trump’s perambulatory peregrinations, When my two sources and I wrapped up tea, I began making some calls and found out this little tale.
According to yet another source of mine, Trump equal-opportunity-offended two people at once even! At the White House Prayer Breakfast last week, Trump descended from a helicopter onto the helipad on the White House lawn. An elderly woman with a cane, holding the hand of a toddler was making her way to the White House, hobbling along with her little friend at a decidedly sloth-like pace. But Mr. President has things to do, people, so he strode past them without a glance in their direction, shoving the elderly woman to the side with his passing shoulder. The toddler in her care stumbled to the ground and began crying. Well, I’m sure you SYRW readers will find some way to justify that disgusting display. The non-sequitur that Obama did it too? It’s Fake News? He was joking? You got this, Trump supporters.
In this case, he proved his ethical mettle by offending a senior and junior all at once.
Dream Big, President Trump
The absolute last little tidbit I was able to get to you–because frankly, it was getting a little tough to hear, as even hearing about wondrousness has its limits–may be the most shockingly generous. Another source told me that Trump came up with a charitable act to provide much-needed moral support to the Parkland shooting survivors. He wanted to attend their rally at the Tallahassee State House to throw medical gauze at them, in a way that would have been exactly equal in horrificness–er, charitable splendor–to his tossing paper towels at starving Hurricane Maria victims in Puerto Rico Sadly, the Parkland survivors liberal, Fake News parents told Trump they’d “cut off his testicles if he tried a stunt like that.”
Minor Offenses…or Major?
Well, there ya’ have it, my darlings. This week’s White House insider gossip courtesy of Bubbles MacMillan at SYRW. I can only imagine what zany antics I’ll have to apprise you of next week. But I know I can’t wait to find out. If there was ever any doubt that this man, this Trump, is a deeply principled soul, dedicated to the notion that all men are created equal as far as how he’s willing to belittle them, then there shall be no more, I’m certain.
Until next time, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
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@ 2018 Akbar Khan
