Join us as Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Ca) takes on a walking tour of Trump-related sites./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Daxiao Productions.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados!
Grab you Nancy Sinatra-esque 1960s go-go boots! We’re taking you on a walking tour–and not just any ol’ walking tour either. Our leader is BFF of none other than the current leader of the free world, Donald J. Trump, Rep Devin Nunes (R-Ca.). In case you weren’t aware given his doughy physique and wispy comb-over, President Trump has superpowers, one of which is knowing exactly what he’d do in situations eons more challenging than Mr. Silver Soon Golden Parachute has ever faced in his life. That’s why he said today–and we have no reason to believe any different–“I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” in reference to Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, site of the Parkland school shooting.
As happens so often here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), given our exclusive access to all things and people Trump White House, we asked Rep. Nunes, Trump’s favorite toady, to take us on a walking tour highlighting all of Trump’s amazing skills. Look over there–there’s Rep. Nunes tying the shoelaces to his dorky, gleaming white, senior citizen tennis shoes now! Come on! We don’t want to miss a moment!
Burn, Baby, Burn
Phew! That was quite a trek! Good thing we’re at our first stop. But what could it be? It looks like a giant pile of ashes, doesn’t it? Let’s listen close, as it seems Rep, Nunes is trying to tell us something.
“If you’ll all take a look to my right, here, this was once the site of a building. A burning one. That’s right, a burning building. Can anyone take a guess as to what it tells us about my bitchin’ boss? No? Anyone? Ok, I’ll just go ahead and tell you then. This building caught fire while a bunch of unsuspecting, innocent people slept inside. President Trump ran in there, with no regard for his own safety, and began rescuing people. He saved countless individuals, none of whom were even Russian, from a burning building, my friends. Do you need any corroborating evidence for this claim? Oh, you do? Okay, well, I can draft a memo and have it online by the morning.”
Flap, Flap, Buzz, Buzz
Hey, wait up, everyone! We just wanted to get a bottled water. We were getting a little parched. *glug* *glug* *glug*
Well, what can this be? It looks like a meadow of some sort. What’s Rep. Nunes saying now?
“As you can see, peeps, we’ve come to a glade, a paddock, a pasture. More commonly known as “a field.” I’m gonna go ahead and spread my arms out now, and I want you to watch real close to see what happens. Ok, on my right arm there is now a what?–yes, a butterfly. On my left arm, there appears to be a small, buzzing insect alighting–a bee. Ya’ know why my friends over here are visiting us? Because Donny Don Don Jon has spent his entire life floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee. And it’s okay for me to quote Muhammad Ali, because he’s one of the good blacks. Anyway, my main man McTrumperson is lighter on his feet, more deadly in his sting than these two bad boys could ever hope to be. His life of privilege and comfort has made it so that he could be no other way. You may have misled by the collective wisdom of the entire human experience to think facing challenges is what builds character. Not so, my friends. It’s…well, whatever it is that made this stellar human being named Donald Trump who he is today.”
A Fear of Not Flying
Whatever can this cliff we’re at now be an example of? How the most wonderful man in the world is also a fan of windsurfing? No, that’s simply too good to be true.
“Let’s slow down here at the precipice of this rocky overhang, now, shall we everyone? You look a little nervous, gang. Can I get a volunteer to stand next to me? Oh, bunch of wittew scawdy cats, are we? Fine! I can make this point all on my lonesome. Whoaaaaaaaa! Oh, yeah, I just tempted fate and almost let myself fall over this cliffside here. That’s because I’ve been learning for the last 365 days from my mentor in good humanhood, His Orangeness, that the only thing we have to fear, my friends, is fear itself. BOO ya!”
Not Just for Cookies at a Chinese Restaurant
Left! Left! Left, right left! As the children sang in Disney’s Peter Pan, ‘We’re following the leader, the leader, the leader/We’re following the leader, wherever he may go.”
And: Get the deets on the 5 right wing erotic items every right-winger simply must have.
This looks like a bank, and…oh, yes, yes. That’s what it is. A bank. And it’s called the Bank of Trumpmerica–or BOT! Mental note: open a checking account here ASAP.
“Pee-pull! If you’ll look right over here–thank you–if you’ll look right over here to my left, you’ll see a bank. Please call 800-Taken-for-a-Ride or log onto to takenforaride.com to talk to a banking specialist to see how BOT can help you meet your financial goals today and beyond.
Anywho, you might think you know why we’re here. Because El Trump-o is a horrible businessman who kept getting bailed out anyway because he’s fair, blond, and blue-eyed. Negatory, my little buddies. Neg-a-tory. It’s because fortune favors the bold, and that’s what that guy in the highest office in the land is–bold. That’s why fortune’s been favoring him for the past seven decades. His boldness. His white-blond-haired, blued -eyed boldness.
“It’s been a pleasure, group. May The Donald be with you. Live long and prosper, as they said on Star Trek–and they too were talking about Mr. Big Stuff, Tricky-Man Trump. See ya’ lata, suckas. Aw, yeah, boyeeeeeeeeeeee! Don’t get it twisted cuz–yeah, I don’t have any more. Bye!”
Misty Watercolored Memories
That sure was fun, wasn’t it, SYRW readers? We’re gonna get a glass of water, you want one? Here’s a towel for you to lightly dab some of the perspiration from your brow. As you do that, remember, Trump, in his life of toiling away for the greater good, has never once stopped to do that. Never. Once. That’s because, as we hope this toe-ticklin’ tour has brought home to you, he isn’t human. He’s superhuman. Why? Because he said so. SYRW OUT!
Also: In the Trump Era, just need some steel cojones to be beautiful.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
