Guns in schools: smart, smart, smart!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, mokee81.
Since an armed ex-student shot and killed 17 students and teachers at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland Florida last week, injuring several others, those directly affected, the community at large, and even the nation have been plunged into another back and forth about what could have been done to prevent this catastrophe. Such soul-searching always follows what are becoming all too familiar occurrences at our nation’s institutions of learning.
Many gun rights advocates, who are basically addicted to firearms, cannot seem to fathom a solution that involves making guns more scarce in our society, Like them, we are such super-intelligent folk, here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), dear readers. We think the solution to children being shot in schools is for more people on school campuses to carry guns. What could possibly go wrong with that! More guns, fewer shootings: makes sense, right.
Related: See what these Trump admins said in a game of “2 Truths and a Wish..”
Caution: School Zone
Those yellow signs outside schools make a good point, indeed, they do. We must always drive slow when there are children afoot, so as not to cause any vehicle-pedestrian collisions, injuring our precious young ‘uns in unspeakable ways.
However, there are times students themselves may need to cause the engine of their cars to race, enabling them to make a speedy but safe getaway. Students need to be able to gun their engines! What if they’re late to an offsite sports team practice? Or what if they couldn’t get out of final period in time to get to their house to set up for that afternoon’s meeting of the Young Republicans Club? Or most importantly, what if a boy’s mom texted him there was a beautiful fawn gently munching on clovers and lawn grass, and he just couldn’t lose a minute getting there to blow its brains out? These are all situations in which our young learners need to be able to gun them engines. Don’t let the liberals make us slow or late again!
Keep firearms in schools! In fact, this the vehicular gun use could save kids from a school shooter. When they’re made aware of a lunatic opening fire on campus, the could all pile in Biff’s ride and he could gun it all the way to safety. Now, let’s think about that next time we’re voting on a “gun reform” bill in Congress.
Hands Can Speak Volumes
Often when we here at SYRW make a point in an editorial meeting, one we’re particularly proud of, we whip out our finger guns. That is, we make our index fingers and thumbs into the shapes of the barrel and trigger of the gun and depress our thumbs as if we were pulling the trigger on a wonderful implement of death known as a gun. We then blow the imaginary smoke coming out of ends of the barrels, our index fingers, to really bring the point home. We win, and our relishing in that win was quite something to witness visually too.
Children need to be able to do this too! In an age obsessed with touchy-feely notions of “high self-esteem,” it exposes the hypocrisy of the left that they would want to de-gun our schools to the point that we can’t revel in and gloat about a well-made point with a classic hand signal, accompanied by a breathy finish, that has aided expert rhetoricians in ending their arguments with a flourish, the finger gun.
There are just so many people who need to use finger guns in so many ways, readers! Our kids, particularly–actually, almost exclusively–that rare hybrid between dork and douchebag just wouldn’t be himself if he couldn’t shoot the air with imaginary bullets when the mood struck him,
Also, this #metoo stuff has emasculated our patriarchal princes enough! How are gals going to know when a lad finds them attractive if he can’t “shoot” her with his fingers while making that click noise thing with his tongue?!
And: These three Trump admin members want to audition to decorate your home.
We Can Work It Out
So, sang The Beatles in their timeless 1962 classic by the same name. And many teenage boys love to work out, both to increase their fitness, and to increase their attractiveness to the ladies. It would be cutting them off at the shoulder to not allow them to bring their guns, their biceps, to school. Every fit-as-a-fiddle boy’s peers love to admire the rippling musculature of his upper limbs when he’s been dedicating himself to bulking up for his schoolmate’s viewing pleasure. It just wouldn’t be right to prohibit these boys from donning a tank-top, or better yet, a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, to make his fellow learners aware of the bulging biceps he has going on. The hallways would be a sad, silent place without the cracking voices of teen hunks demanding, “Feel this…no, seriously: feel this.”
It just doesn’t sound the same for a young girl to brag to her friends, “And his biceps…whoo!” as it does for her to say, “And those guns? Lemme tell ya’!
The next time some socialist, hippie-dippie, pinko, snowflake liberal wants to take away your right to protect yourself from all the people your bloated ego and paranoid mind are telling you are out to get you, well now, you’ll have even more winning arguments in your pro-gun arsenal. Together, our big heads full of an overabundance of gray matter are going to win this cultural fight.
The issue of guns polarizes people to such an extent that these secondary uses of guns in school often get lost in the arguments, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less important. We hope we’ve given you, readers, points to make next time you find yourself defending our beautiful Second Amendment as it comes under attack by the Deep State, pearl-clutching liberals who’ll dismantle it at the very first chance they get to do so.
Also: Don’t miss our exclusive chat with Steve Bannon on his daily skincare regimen.
We better be off to see what other foolish points we can make it next week’s Op-Ed! See ya’ later, red-state readers! You, meanwhile, should run off and shoot at something, and thank the Lord you live in a country where you’re free to do so.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
