Throwin’ shade? No, throwin’, flame./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, j_chaikom.
President Donald Trump Thursday came out vehemently in support arming all public school students, teachers, and school administrators with flamethrowers and training them how to use them.
The policy proposal was a new wrinkle in the move by some lobbyists and members of Congress to arm teachers in the wake of one of the deadliest school shootings the nation has seen, at Parkland, Florida’s Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. Since that attack, students and parents have mobilized to make their voices heard in Washington D.C. and local government, advocated for stricter gun laws and inc5eased background checks. They’ve come up against opposition at every turn. They aren’t dissuaded.
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“The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a flamethrower,” Trump said to a group of reporters gathered outside the Oval Office in the Rose Garden.
When Hallie Jackson pointed out that flamethrowers are probably the most deadly and extreme weapons available, Trump doubled down on his comments, even taking them a step further.
“Look, Hallie–you got a pretty smile, by the way, use it more often–look, if some kids have to be collateral damage and an entire school has to get burned down for me and my NRA pals to keep our guns, then so be it,” Trump said before thanking reporters stunned by his statement.
Trump also said because all those given flame-throwers would need to be trained in how to use the extremely deadly incendiary devices, Students, teachers, and administrators would need to take six-months-off from school to become expert users of flamethrowers. He did not say how this would affect their academic pursuits.
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White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was quick to jump to the President’s defense in an official statement released by the White House.
“The president, given that he is the Humorist in Chief, was clearly joking, and we now expect the liberal media to pretend they don’t get it, so that they can try to get people to think he means these silly statements. I mean, everyone universally loves jokes about killing kids. Also, Obama once said flamethrower when he was ten-years-old, and Hillary’s emails that we paid to have hacked contained the word “throw,” the Sanders-penned statement read in part.
Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Association, expressed relief that his personal arsenal of guns would remain unthreatened. “I thank the president for underscoring that I, and all Americans, need guns to protect ourselves against a government that would take away our liberties at the first chance it might get, so that we couldn’t hunt and protect ourselves in the paranoid fortresses we’ve built across America.
Neera Tanden, the normally well-spoken head of the Center for American Progress, a liberal think tank, seemed flabbergasted when reached for comment, “I…I just can’t…I’m…not sure….wait–what?”
“I think anything–ANYTHING–that assures I have my man-toys–my guns–is a great idea. And this flamethrower idea is just that. The consequences don’t concern me in the least. I won’t have to make any sacrifices, and neither will my gun-toting pals, so a win-win-win as far as I’m concerned,” LaPierre said.
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Trump added that he hoped he could permanently divert funds from all “Deep State” agencies, for example, the Environmental Protection Agency, to fund flamethrowers for every U.S. citizen.
“You’ll have to wait and see,” he said with a wink to the reporters in the Rose Garden as he retired into the Oval Office. “But let me say this: I really think turning schools into shootout zones is the way to go.”
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
