“Monday, Tuesday, Horrifying Days…”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock: Mat Hayward,
Hey, hey, hey Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers. We now return to the continuing story of right-wing entertainment!
Cue the laugh-tracks, TV-loving readers! A whole bunch of conservatives, in other words, a mob of toothless racists, is set to star in Alt-reimaginings of popular sitcoms. Could anything sound more fun than watching these insufferable excuses for human beings in zany situations rife with comedic possibilities? If you agree with us that the answer to that is, “No, way!” then read on to find out about how they’re taking America back for reactionary a-holes, one situation comedy at a time.
Guns Can Be So Funs
Now, we’re going to tell you something that will have you jumping up and down with unbridled, unabridged glee. The top leadership of the nation’s most depraved group of people ever, the National Rifle Association (NRA), is going to be the lovable, fun-as-all-get-out, yuk-inducing cast of a non-nerdy retelling of The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bang, Bang Theory.
Wayne LaPierre, Oliver North, Ted Nugent, and Tom Selleck, all part of the top brass at the NRA, put in a hard day, full of blood, sweat, and tears–but mostly blood–in the offices of that people-centric, flower-power organization. They come home after trying to solve our-hearts-go-out-to-ourselves problems vexing the gun-rights community to a funky, cutely decorated apartment they share. There, they discuss side-splitting topics like how their egos are so big they think the government gives a shizz about them and is coming to get them, how murdering animals is not at all a sociopathic, and how the answer to too many guns is more guns, guns, guns, And then some more guns,
The pilot episode finds them standing patiently in line at the DMV to renew their driver’s licenses, but having epic meltdowns when someone suggests background checks for gun-owners.
Related: The APP the whole Trump admin is using–and why!
Two Morally Broke Girls
What are two cute, eccentric gals to do when they run out of money to bankroll their days spent trolling mass-shotting victims online? Why open a pizza parlor, of course. Oh, the head spins at all the zany possibilities this sets up. Like the pilot episode when Michelle Malkin and Dana Loesch want to continue appearing as if their human, but simply can’t serve pizza to a woman in hijab, Wait’ll you see the epic spit take Dana Loesch does when that scarf-wearing America-hater orders a pizza without pepperoni! Tune into the pilot of Two Morally Broke Girls to find out what happens.
“I just want to get across that I don’t feel like belongs to my in-group pretty much deserves to die,” Malkin said.
What Would We Do, Baby?
Family grounds us, and this show grounds the fledgling batch of sitcom reworkings coming our way: Tribal Family Ties. Donald Trump, Jr. and Vanessa Trump raise their family of four kids–one a staunch liberal, no less–in suburban Ohio. You won’t want to miss how Don; Vanessa; Ivanka who plays the Mallory; Tiffany, who plays the Jennifer; Eric, who plays the liberal black sheep; and a Republican baby, who plays the little Andy Keaton navigate life in the New Normal of Trump era, with all the fumblings and foibles that you can imagine–and some you can’t. The pilot features Ivanka/Mallory encouraging her boyfriend, Jared, to lie about his foreign entanglements to get his White House security clearance, because, c’mon: since when do richies have to play by the same rules as everyone else?
“Family is so important to me. My family. Not yours. Or yours, or anyone else’s,” Invanka Trump when SYRW reached her for comment.
Pardon Me, President
What if..? That’s how so many screenwriting books advise writers to start imagining the premise of the screenplay or teleplay they always wanted to write, Well, what if, indeed! On Veep Selina Meyer, an irresistibly charming Vice President played by brilliant comedic actor, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who spends her days dealing with the fallout, damage control, and mess-cleaning-up that result from poorly executed, tone-deaf, and missed-the-mark attempts at policy crafting and public relations. After all, the White House she veeps for is populated by a host of lovably scatterbrained, well-educated-but-not-so practical, peculiar characters.
And: 3 Trump Admin officials audition to design your home.
But the Alt-version stars a horrible actor, President Donald Trump, and it’s called Creep. He leads an administration of half-wits, rejects, and cave-dwellers in trying to help the Creeper in Chief run the nation into the ground, without even pretending they care about PR, saving face, or appearing…well, even remotely interested in public service.
“Obama never had a sitcom. Only I do. And Creep, like my presidency, is already getting high ratings like the world has never known,” said Trump of his sitcom that has yet to air.
I Need 10 CCs of White-Privilege-Denial: STAT!
Didn’t you bawl your blue eyes out during the final episode of M*A*S*H? We sure did. The characters had been through so much together, and entered our hearts in the process. Well, during the pilot episode of R*P*O*S you bawl your blue eyes out, but because the main characters played by Charlottesville organizer, Christopher Cantwell; human fungal infection who just won’t go away, David Duke; and other delightful ultra-right-wing characters don’t seem to have hearts. They’re in a war too, like the characters of M*A*S*H, but this time it’s a racial war to make sure white Gentiles stay at the top of the heap, and everyone else suffers underneath their boot-stomps.
“I never realized how many Jews there were in Hollywood. Shoulda’ known–they control everything,” Cantwell said to SYRW.
Don’t Set Your DVRs Just Yet
We know you, our SYRW readers: you’re just like us (you better be!). You probably were already searching your DVRs to record the entirety of each of these series. But they’re still in production, set for fall debuts on the Christian Broadcasting Network. So sit tight, and keep your eyes peeled! It’ll be well worth the wait to see how the world’s most humorless, unappealing people make us laugh–if they manage to, that is!
Also: A Conversation about skin care with Steve Bannon.
Until next week, then, rock on!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
