An app taking the White House by storm is pretty shocking–and ingenious!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, sergey nivens.
Hope you’re well on this decidedly digital day, tech lovers!
Recently, author and political commentator David Gregory was on CNN talking about the anxiety-inducing work environment that must exist over at the disorganized, every-wife-beater-for-himself White House under the guidance–or lack thereof–of President Donald Trump. He noted that White House employees “are so eager to throw one another under the bus and lay the blame.”
And, Gregory added, “It’s a bazaar of information over there, of people trading information about oh so-and-so’s talking to Reince Preibus the former chief of staff, oh, the president’s thinking about replacements, There is no order, it is just a free for all, over there. And in the middle, by the way, of a very sensitive time in our country and on the world stage.”
We were inspired by his intriguing, well-put, and well-deserved rant to reach out to our sources over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. And we found out some stunning info.
It turns out the staff got together after the first few high profile firings and replacement-hirings to have a serious talk. They decided that they needed a fast, efficient way to stay up-to-date on all the backstabbing, guillotining, and throwing-to-the-wolves that goes on at their workplace. What better way than a smartphone app to achieve this!
Related: Make some dishes to smooth over uncomfortable situations with Gen. John Kelly.
All’s Fair in Work That’s a War
The staff turned to shadowy hacker Guccifer 2.0 of DNC-email-hacking fame to come up with a way for the collective to communicate about their employment status. And boy, did he deliver. He devised an app called World of Trumpcraft. It functions like a combination social network/game app. There are seven main sections of most value to the app’s users. They are:
Informz: You enter any updates you hear on what’s going down, who’s headed out, and what’s about to hit the fan., and each distinct one becomes an Informz. Your followers can see when you’ve done this, but not the specifics of what you know. They can “buy” the details of your White House intel from you with Trump Tokens. You start out with one hundred of these, and each time you add a juicy tidbit of devious data to the app, you set the amount of tokens its worth. When someone wants it, they need to pay you that many tokens.
Bondz:Â These are much like friend requests on a social networking app, particularly Facebook. However, you can’t just shoot off a friend request. You have to include a direct message with any appeal for a friendly connection that you send. In that message, you must explain why making a connection with you would benefit the person you want to add. There’s no such thing as a free friendship in Trump World.
Reprievz: Perhaps the most trauma-inducing part of working at the White House, it would appear, is that those who work there, the top down, have learned to just assume that they’re about to be handed a pink slip upon The Orange’s next whim. But, someone, anyone, or multiple anyones, may know valuable information about your status at 1600 Pennsylvania that you don’t. If you have such information about someone, you can enter it into the Reprievz section of the app. When other admin members get desperate enough and simply must know all the pertinent information, they can use some of their Trump Tokens to buy the info off of you.
GoodGracz: These are intriguing, now, SYRW readers. If, as a Trump admin member, you have the nagging feeling that you’re on Trump’s s–t List, there is something you can do about it. You can buy GoodGracz from your fellow app users, Of course, you better be pretty confident about who you’re buying them from. Because, what you’re actually forking over your tokens for is a request that the payee put in a good word for you with Don Jon! So, if you ask a user for a GoodGracz, pay up, and they don’t actually have any info that could help you…well, you’re s–t outta’ luck–and some valuable tokenz–then, aren’t ya’!
Defensz: It may surprise you to know that the creators of World of Trumpcraft, after their detailed metrical analysis of what it’s like to work in the Trump White House, found that what information, words, excuses, explanations, or reasons an employee might use to justify or shed positive light on any certain action he or she undertook as an admin member aren’t specific to individual employees. Rather, they fall into broad categories usable by pretty much any staff member. Hence, anyone can come up with them, overhear them, or even learn of them through sneaky means. When you do so, as an admin member/app user, you enter them in the Defensz section of the app. And again, when someone gets desperate enough to feel like they need one, they can buy one or more off of you.
InnerCirclz and UltraTokenz: Now, readers, there’s one last aspect of the app that we think is its most intriguing. Some members of Trump, Sr.’s inner, inner (read: family) circle use the app too. If you can get them to accept a friend request, you enter a state of being close to religious prophethood in Donald Trump’s eyes. The Trump family knows all and can decide all–one word from Ivanka or Jared or Don, Jr., or Eric, etc., and you’re gold, or out on your cubic zirconia ass, as the case may be. But if you can get the fam to accept a friend request, you have an InnerCirclz. And if they buy something off of you with one of their Ultra Tokenz, you’re set, yo.
Sheesh! We need to do some deep breathing after that. So intense!
Extra! Extra! Click All About It!
What if, dear SYRW readers, you just aren’t one of the in-the-know members of the admin or haven’t stumbled on any reconnaissance of value. No worries! In that case, you can buy Trump Tokens with cash. They’re not unlimited, but you can get “a good amount,” our source told us and re-up when you’re out, just to have on hand for dire, hire and fire situations. The proceeds from token purchases go into a communal checking account, which our White House source tells us the gang saves up for, for dinner at Appleby’s whenever they amass enough dough!
And, until next week, remember: the revolution is being digitized!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
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