“Challenges build character–who knew?”/Image: Jared Kushner, courtesy of The Hill.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers! As often happens in the Wellness section of Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) we bring more serious-than-usual news. It’s about an affliction plaguing the Right Wing Community in epidemic proportions. Now, don’t panic. There are treatments out there and help for those suffering from this crippling disease. The first step in healing is getting educated about it.
So, let’s enter namaste pose, close our eyes, and take a deep breath, readers. Slowly inhale healing energy and vibrations. Hold that breath for a brief moment, then let it out, slowly expelling thoughts and feelings of disease or infirmity, Good!
What It Is
This disease we want to talk about this week is actually not new. It’s been around in the right-wing community for a while. What is new, is that the researchers have now isolated its pathology and symptoms from other, similar illnesses, and they’ve identified and named it. Most importantly, treatments, in the form of medications, counseling, and surgery are available. It’s called Oblomov’s Syndrome.
If the name sounds familiar to all you Russian literature fans and SYRW readers out there, it’s no coincidence. Oblomov’s Syndrome was named after the novel, Oblomov, by Ivan Goncharov. It tells the story of the eponymous main character Ilya Ilyich Oblomov, the son of Russian aristocrats, as The Spectator reminds us. He’s taught never to work hard, get an education, or have goals. He basically does nothing but lay about. He’s depressed, full of ennui and anxiety.
Related: See what happiness means for the right wing and how to achieve it.
The DSM-IV defines Oblomov’s syndrome as a mental disorder characterized by low cognitive function; low emotional response, flat affect, or “emotional apathy;” and a generally ambivalent approach to life or when reacting to people, events, thoughts, or feelings.
Oblomov’s syndrome was for many years misdiagnosed as a depressive or anxiety disorder, but it can strike a person separate from those classes of illness. It doesn’t include changes in appetite, sleep, or sex drive. On the contrary, people with Oblomov’s Disorder have what a layperson would call “normal” appetites, sleep patterns, and a desire to engage in sexual activity. In fact, “Oblomovers.” as they’re known colloquially, sometimes have life objectives and pursuits that border on the delusional in their “big,” fanciful nature. Oblomovers sometimes overestimate their own abilities and innate intelligence.
Sound Familiar?
If you were already naming members of the Trump administration who have this disorder, you may want to pursue a career in mental health. We can exclusively report that President Donald, Ivanka, and Jared have all been diagnosed with Oblomov’s. But, we want you, readers, to stay calm. There are treatments available, for both the Trump family members who have it and for other children of wealth who faced few challenges in life and are thus like animals raised in cages and provided with everything they need to survive and more: they’re dull, undeservedly full of themselves, unintelligent, and uninteresting.
Treatment and Prognosis
“The first thing first intervention to undertake for someone suffering from Oblomov’s Syndrome is to remove them from any position in which they are responsible for themselves or others or ones in which they must make decisions that have consequences for themselves or others, say, I don’t know, like White House staff,” said Dr. Heddy Cloontown, a clinical psychologist who practices in Chappaqua, New York and specializes on treating “Oblomovers.”
Next, Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) can bring their emotional response up to a level that matches that of the majority of their adult peers. You might see them, after this, smiling in a picture, say, whereas as you never had before. Also, SSRIs can help temper their outlandish thinking, for example, that they’re going to solve the Israel/Palestine conflict, heal the opioid epidemic, and reform the criminal justice system with nothing but a background in failed real estate deals.
Those who suffer from Oblomov’s Syndrome often benefit greatly from therapy.
And: Learn how to make some Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News-Nincompoop Kool-Aid.
“In my practice,” said Cloontown, “I take a hold of my patients’ faces–which is unorthodox in my field–but I take a hold of their faces, look them straight in the eye and say, ‘Get some goals that align with your average talents. And also, smile when you’re happy, you weirdo!'”
Cloontown said Oblomover’s often benefit from learning a trade instead of, oh, running a Manhattan real estate empire into the ground because they could.
Oblomovers also usually need “reaction training,” Cloontown said. “Since most of them never really had any challenges in life nor had to worry about anything, their perception of the value of things is skewed. Giving them boundaries, limits, and even expectations can often lead to drastic improvement in their dull, low affect.
“I’ve loved watching so many of my patients come alive as they learn why people, now including themselves, care about stuff, appreciate life, and so forth.
High Hopes and Vulnerable Populations
“What really sets Oblomovers apart from those with depression and anxiety, though sufferers of all three frequently present with muted emotional responses and weary-looking facial expressions, is their high self-esteem,” said William J. Claxton, a psychiatrist who’s pioneered research into this affliction. “They tend to think a lot of themselves and their capabilities.”
Claxton said Oblomovers are often raised by well-to-do parents and have had lives of privilege and encouragement. Ironically, their cognitive skills and self-efficacy are not higher than those without Oblomov’s. Researchers call this the Oblomover’s Paradox.
“You get unusual outcomes when someone, like many Oblomovers, is raised to see themselves as better than others when they’re really the same,” said Claxton.
Brain Drain
Dr. Cloontown said she usually has to do a lot of, “notch-lowering” with those who suffer from Oblomov’s.
“It’s often hard for an Ivanka to accept she’s just a Tiffany, maybe even a Melania,” Cloontown said.
Usually, if Oblomver’s fail to show improvement with medication or therapy, surgical intervention is the last line of treatment.
“We recommend lobotomy only in the most serious cases, ones that have either been impervious to first-line treatment or when, just to throw out a hypothetical situation, a sufferer has the codes for the U.S;. massive nuclear weapons arsenal,” Cloontown said.
Also: Come with us on a trip to Egotown.
What To Do
If you think you or someone you know may have Oblomov’s syndrome, talk to your doctor about screening and diagnosis. With the proper treatment, Oblomovers can lead full, content lives, and the potential for harm to themselves others that comes with the illness can be minimized.
You got this, SYRW readers and Alt-community members.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
