The latest woman we know of lucky enough to get in between the sheets with Trump./Image: NBC Philadelphia.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties!
We’re not going to lie to you, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers: the emergence of a one Mrs. Karen McDougal, as reported by NPR and every other news outlet in the world, as the latest alleged vertical tango partner of our dear President Donald Trump has thrown a wrench in everything we thought we knew about Don Don’s taste in women, and really, the world: she’s a brunette! How is this possible when DTrump clearly favors the blondes? What does it all mean?
Despite the McDougal Shake-Up–or perhaps inspired by it!–we’ve decided we’d analyze the looks of the women Agent Orange has been with, run them through our powerful, 12-inch MacBook Airs here at the SYRW Beauty department, and come up with a composite Trump Mistress. Then, we analyzed this “Weird Science”-esque creation and present our findings to you below. You can then use them to alter your own look in hopes of bagging Trump yourself.
As our analysis will show, Fearless Leader not only favors certain physical characteristics in the women he chooses as partners-in-coitus, he has such an affection for these attributes, he’s begun to take them on himself. Beginning with Ivana Trump in the early eighties all the way down to Karen McDougal in the mid-2000s particular choices in female anatomy have established a consistent through-line of desirability for Don Jon. Each has its own symbolic importance as well, being a manifestation in the female physicality of his approach to presidential leadership. Let’s get to it, already, right?
Related: You can also give yourself a Fox News makeover by clicking here!
Hair Apparent
Blond hair is oh-so-important to President Donald Trump. From Ivana to Ivanka to even White House Counsel Kellyanne Conway, sunlit hair has proven to be a prime factor in the women Trump values, It also speaks volumes–and has volume–about what he thinks of political administration.
The hair of Trump’s ladies–even his own hair–must be lit from within, sunkissed, full of luster and luminosity–because everything else about his life and presidency must be shrouded in darkness and secrecy, as New York Times columnist Thomas L. Friedman points out. Donnycakes is human, after all–er, we think he is, despite mounting evidence to the contrary, such as his use of a mass shooting that’s traumatized the nation to cast doubt on the Mueller probe.
Very sad that the FBI missed all of the many signals sent out by the Florida school shooter. This is not acceptable. They are spending too much time trying to prove Russian collusion with the Trump campaign – there is no collusion. Get back to the basics and make us all proud!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 18, 2018
And: See what some Trump admin faves think of themselves as revelaed by these poems.
Anyhow, humans like light, and if Trump refuses it, rejects it, and kills it in every other aspect of his existence, we suppose its follicular manifestation in blonde tresses is where he gets his radiance fix.
Now, we can’t, of course, leave out Two Non-Blondes (like the 1990s rock group Four Non-Blondes) in his life, Melania and McDougal. They are or were, after all, important dames in his orbit. That, of course, means, to Dear Donald, wholly dispensable and interchangeable pieces of flesh that surround instances of the all-important female genitalia. He is, after all, the current poster boy for the Heterosexist Patriarchy, our raison d’etre here at SYRW.
Say, “Cheesy Style”
Now, we come to the teeth. the 32 chompers that rest inside every adult and make an appearance each time we part our lips to say, “There’s been no collusion;” bite into a Big Mac, because all other food could be poisoned by our enemies; or smile while taking a picture in Parkland, Florida as the good folks at Splinter News point out, standing among parents who’ve lost teenage children to guns we refuse to regulate the proliferation of.
Trumpy McTrumperson likes his chicks to have bright-white, stick-straight teeth. They look best in those fake and forced publicity shots or even Page-Six snapshots Trump often finds himself in. So, girls, get out your whitening strips and braces, whitening and aligning those babies like there’s no tomorrow. Your eligibility in the Prez’s eyes depends on it.
Thier Milkshakes Brought Him to the Yard
Who could forget the female Fun Bag? Certainly not the D-Man. Like many dudes in the Heterosexist Patriarchy, the ladies are really just poles, stands, rods upon which their mammary pouches rest, to him. As such, President Trump enjoys The Girls to rest at a high height. At their resting place, he prefers them to be highly orb-like,
When you’re making your bazooms, then, into twins of tastelessness that Trump will trip over himself for, using cosmetic intervention, restructuring lingerie, or more DIY approaches like the use of chopsticks and duct tape, keep one word in mind: playful. Your bosom should be perky like Trump’s own jovial and jocose approach to treating paper-towel-tossing at Puerto Rican hurricane victims, wives who’ve lost spouses to Nigerian ambushes, and winking and saying, “You’ll have to wait and see,” in response to serious questions at news conferences.
Sartorial Selling-Point
Up next in our consideration of how to get in Dalliance Donald’s good, lustful graces is a look at the type of threads, duds, fabric-based body adornments The Don enjoys on his ladies. “Tight” is the name of the game here. However, you needn’t go to the Herve Legere level of Band Aid dresses that restrict your breathing. No, form-fitting and shape-flattering–provided you have a form with fitting and a shape worth flattering!–will do just fine, dear readers. Just as long as you’re not “a slob,” as Traitor Trump once described his nemesis, Rosie O’donnell, as this Vox article serves as a painful reminder of.
In the past, our dear president has favored women in clothes as vivacious as their smiles, like exes Ivana and Marla Maples. Over time, his taste in the look he likes on his women has devolved into innocuous, as on Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, to zombie-like elegance as on First Lady Melania, or Fox News insufferable-ite Jeanine Pirro whose appearance is like her persona, over-the-top to mask no substance under the surface. Trump thinks Pirro is “sexy as hell,” according to New York Times’ reporter Michael M. Grynbaum. Similarly, his personality has gone from animated and enthusiastic, if repellent and nasty, “locker-room” bluster to angry, rigid, paranoid authoritarianism, as Corey Robin points out in The Guardian.
It Takes Tan to Tango
Trump may like to kill democracy and his sons may like to kill big cats, but in the boudoir, Trump opts for women who resemble in their looks living creatures. In that vein, if you want to catch Donald’s ice-blue eye, you should be tan, tan, tan. He himself is uber-tan, and who doesn’t find themselves attracted to people who actually look like them.
Also: Some interior design ideas for the soon-to-be-deported.
You must be tan and hearty-looking, so go out and spray, bake, and lay out until you’re as leathery as one of the tacky handbags Louise Linton, wife of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin likes to boast about, as this CBS News article reminds us.
All You Need
Now, dear readers, you hav all the info you need to be the next little lady to sign your name on an NDA and then hop into bed with the most powerful, least fit to be, man on Earth, President Donald Trump. We assume you’re calling the salon for a hair-bleaching appointment, booking some time at the dentist to make your teeth shine like —, gazing at your jugs to see how you can make them worthy of the president’s hands, perusing the Internet for clothing that will accentuate your tight bod, and frying the heck out of your dermis. So, we’ll leave you to those important life goals.
Until next week, readers, be mildly non-hideous on the outside, truly repulsive on the inside, like the good right-wing-ers we are!
© 2018 Akbar Khan
