It can feel like kids have tough questions sometimes, especially when we don’t have good answers./Image: Licensed Adobe stock. Coloures-Pic.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers? It’s been another pretty intense week in the Trump Era–not that I’m complaining, as we all love Trump over here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), as do you readers, and we’re never, ever, ever going to stop loving him. Ever. Ever, ever. Ever. This week we’ve seen another mass shooting, erratic weather for many parts of the country, stock market instability, and more. It’s no wonder my mailbox has been fuller than usual with inquiring readers wanting advice on how to operate in this the New Normal. One such letter came from a father on the West Coast whose son came home after news of the shooting in Parkland, Florida that killed 17 people.
Dear Dr. McEnnaKnee,
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I live in California, but even as far away my wife and two elementary-school-aged children live from Florida, the school shooting in Parkland has my younger son rattled. During some alone time the other day, he asked me, “Daddy, why don’t we make guns illegal, except for in toys?” I almost veered off the road, Dr. McEnnaKnee! I’m a proud gun owner of several firearms. I keep them because I hunt, I’m not about to let some Democratic coup happen on my watch, and if a burglar breaks into my home, you better believe he’s gonna be sayin’ hello to my little friend. My young son doesn’t seem so moved by these points. What do I say to show him we need guns–we just do?
Exasperated in East La Mirada
Dear Exasperated.
As always, I feel relief–such relief—that you wrote to me, as opposed to all those other small-fry Alt-right advice columnists passing off fake professional credentials as real! I was just reading a book by a Liberal Loonie, the erudite, shrewd, and beautiful writer–but a Liberal Loonie nonetheless, Stephen Pinker. His latest book, Enlightenment Now: The Case for Reason, Science, Humanism, and Progress just came out. A section of it reminded me of your parenting problem, shall we say, and what you can do to solve it.
Beget Bad News
Pinker cites a thought experiment by researchers A. Tversky and D. Kahneman, which he summarizes like this. “How much better can you imagine yourself feeling right now? How much worse can you imagine yourself feeling right now? In answering the first hypothetical, most of us can imagine a bit more of a spring in our step or a twinkle in our eye, but the answer to the second one is: it’s bottomless.” Oh, yes it sure is. The imaginary camera that I always picture filming my life is pulling away as I type this, and I can see myself receding into a corner, chomping on my fingers and sweating oceans  Cognitive psychologists, evolutionary psychologists, and psycholinguists have written and will write reams on why the human mind is so much better it “awfulizing,” to borrow a term for psychologist Albert Ellis, Ph.d., than imagine all the great things that might happen at any given minute. All we need to worry about, Dear Exasperated, you and I, is using this psychological tendency to “explain” why guns everywhere is a necessary, vital, and non-negotiable fact.
Developmental Stages of Serendipity
Now, what I’m going to advise you to do is actually not all that different than the spurious, borderline ludicrous arguments we gun-lovers often make in advocating for lax gun laws, if any, But the fact that you’ll be making them to a child who hasn’t advanced in his intellectual growth to the point where he can rejoinder to easy demolish our silly rationalizations is something we’re going to use to our advantage. It may sound a little mean to do to your own son. But this is war, Exasperated, cultural war with Liberals and Progressives. Our base instincts to do whatever we deem necessary to win it is part of what will ensure we win.
This article by journalist Jacob Weindling in Paste is a good place to find our arguments in succinct form–though he’s arguing against them. Anyway, I referenced his article and I always give props where props are due to fellow journalists, Liberal Looney as they may be.
Also, the world, in general, is improving by a variety of measures universally considered evidence of great progress, and it will likely continue to do so, as Pinker’s new book argues. But luckily, again, your sounds young enough that he won’t take it upon himself to find out this easily discoverable fact.
And: See what Team Trump does at the White House to unwind.
Its This Bad Out There My Son
Remind your son, that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. And then tell him the world is teeming, crawling, and overrun with these bad guys. In fact, tell him, they’re coming to get us right now. Then ask him, “Don’t you wish we both had guns right about now?”
Tell your son gun restrictions won’t stop the mentally ill from embarking on killing sprees. Remind him that there are tons of mentally ill people out in the world, and they have easy access to guns–shouldn’t the sane have such access too?
Finally, tell your dear son that legal interventions won’t keep those who are intent on doing harm from gaining access to guns. Point out that guns would be easily available to them on the black market. Again, this will help instill a deep distrust of fellow humans and a PTSD-like hypervigilance in your wee one, and he’ll likely not only see why society should be swimming in guns, he’ll proselytize on behalf of the firearm, I bet you.
In 500 Feet Make a Hard Right
If I know my flimsy, fear-based arguments, and I’m proud to say that as a reactionary right-winger, I do, you’re son will ripe for the picking.
Hop in your car and head straight over to the local gun show and buy up a storm, maybe even giving your lad his very first gun, if he doesn’t already have it!
Also: How Trump can further punish people for needing food stamps.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
