Awww–aren’t our kids beautiful, but not as beautiful as the right to own guns?/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Stephanie Frey.
May the Almighty Dollar be with you, Red-state readers! If there’s one thing we love more than–well, the same amount as–money here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), it’s guns, guns, guns! Bang-bang! We’re so relieved that this latest school shooting in Parkland, Florida has brought out into the open a fabulous fact. Hopefully, our children collectively now know that our “right to bear arms” is more important to us than their lives, and so we won’t allow any sort of gun control, let alone an all-out ban on this disgusting machines of death. If this latest horror show at an institution of learning isn’t enough to show these youngsters that, we’ve found the products below to help you tell them in more twisted and morally reprehensible ways.
Take One More Bullet for Mommy
It can be so hard to watch our children suffer when they’re sick, can’t it, SYRW readers? The look feverish, exhausted, and downright miserable. It’s not exactly a joy to be around them either! It feels really crappy to be ill, so they’re understandably cranky, more prone to temper tantrums, and poorly-behaved. Giving them the medicine they need to feel better, can be such a relief–well, when the awful-tasting swill finally goes down their gullets! That’s why an oral dispenser can be such a help, as it almost bypasses their delicate taste buds and delivers liquid down into their tummies, of course.
Related: Decor inspiration for those looking at imminent deportation.
An oral dispenser in the shape of a pistol is a great way to remind you and your wee one that the one thing more important to you than his life is your need to own a gun, hence our collective failure to enact any sort of restrictions on guns and their availability. As you insert this medicine delivery mechanism into her mouth, it’ll be like you’re putting a gun in it And then, as you push the medicine in, it’ll be like you’re pulling the trigger of that gun. You can make absolutely, one-hundred percent sure they understand just where they stand by saying to them, “We need to give you your meds now. Be a dear and bring Mommy the gun to aim at you, sweetie.”
First and Last
A beloved blanket is a symbol of safety, comfort, and peace for so many kiddos. They take it with them everywhere, they chew on it (much to our chagrin), they name it a tender, meaningful name. It’s almost an extension of the warm embrace of a parent. Hence, mingling its very fibers with images of guns is the perfect way to make them feel terrified and alone, as they would be when locked out of a room in their school is taken over by a crazed, gun-toting madman.
That’s why this blankie with guns all over it can be a wonderful method of delivering the message to them that by not making firearms illegal or heavily restricted, when push comes to shove, we pick bang-bang implements over them any day. Â “Hunting for sport” like bored cave people; a paranoid and ridiculous fear of the government that could be dealt with many other ways (including just getting over it); and compensating for our small penises are our priorities, not their safety or continued life. When you tuck them in at night and come in to wake them in the morning, that’ll be the last and first thing they think: “Mommy and Daddy love guns more than me.” And they’ll be right.
The Smell of Fear
At bath time, kids are their most vulnerable. They have no clothes on, obviously, Water can be scary when you’re a little one, and shampoos and body washes can sting. It’s cold, too, and no one likes that! Kids always take issue–usually by wailing and screaming–with the sensation of having water dumped on them. Well, this traumatic time can be a real reverse-bonding moment for you and your kids with gunpowder-scented shampoo and body wash. When that unholy smell of death fills the bathroom as you massage this cleansing liquid into their hair and bodies, they’ll ask, “Mommy, Daddy–what’s that funny smell?” Oh, silly, you can say in response. Remember–Mommy and Daddy love guns and that’s what it smells like when one shoots guns. As we rub this stuff into you, let it penetrate your very cells, our love of agents of death over you. And your siblings, and really, all living things. Mommy and Daddy are monsters, and you are never safe. Okay, let’s rinse!
And: Three stage plays retold from an Alt-perspective.
Slurp, Slurp, Pow, Pow
Juice boxes in the shape of guns, called Death Juice, are the final suggestion we have to help you loving parents out there tell your kids in another way–this time by what will become part of their very cells–that you and all of us think shiny murder-devices are far, far more important than they are. They’ll drink these juice boxes down and know this on the very level of the info imprinted on their DNA.
Special Bonus Gift for All You NRA-Member Moms and Dads!
How awesome does a long-sleeved tee with guns printed on the sleeves sound? Totally amazing, right, readers? The really genius part is that when you wear it and your little one comes running toward you, and you wrap your arms around them–what you’ll actually be doing is wrapping them in guns! This will tell them they can never, ever escape that harsh truth that we and this society we’ve created regards guns, guns, guns as our priority over them and their safety..
We Ain’t Shootin’ Blanks
Have these thoughts and images been too disturbing–i.e., exciting to buy–for you, readers? We’re not in the least bit sorry. There are seventeen families in Florida mourning dead loved ones right now, because this nation full of assholes won’t just ban guns right now.  Civilized people make guns illegal. End of story. Read this eloquent, powerful editorial by Rachel Clun in the Sydney Morning Herald on this topic, and please share it with everyone you know. Maybe if you buy all these products, readers, you can disturb and damage your kids to the point that they’ll make you proud and be the next school shooter! Hey, we parents can dream, now can’t we? How else are we going to achieve these hallelujah heights of parenting if not by keeping our eyes on the prize?
Also: See what some of our Trump admin faves do to unwind on the job.
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© Akbi Khan
