What makes up some Alt-people–read below to find out!/Image: Courtesy of Teachers Pay Teachers.
Unless you have or have had kids in elementary school, you might be wondering, “What are Percent Poems?” Well, they’re a fun way to get kids to think about what they love and what’s important to them and how those things make up who they are. It’s also a neat way for caregivers–parents, educators, and others–to see how kids in their charge view themselves.
Given that President Donald Trump and most of those around him function at the developmental age–intellectually, emotionally, mentally, socially if not physically–of elementary school-aged children, Percent Poems seemed like a good activity for them to engage in. We asked several Trump Admin all-stars to write Percent Poems about themselves and here’s what they came up with!
President of Unfitness
5% I over my head
5% Addicted to attention, accolades
5% Lack of knowledge about anything or interest in gaining it.
10% Grew up privileged and kept on being so as an adult, thus I never really had any problems, which help us evolve as people.
20% Sleaze.
10% Lech.
5% Liar.
40% Able to care only about myself and how certain elements of the public perceive me.
5% Unkind.
5% Uninteresting.
100% Donald Trump!
Kellyanne WhiteHouseCounselWay
10% Oddly charming
10% Oddly warm
10% A way with words
30% Will do anything–anything–for a paycheck
10% Lacking ethics or morals or any kind
10% Frizzy hair
10% Sleeveless dresses
10% Too tan
100% Kellyanne Conway
The Veep Doth Protest Too Much
99% gay
1% Ken-doll looks
100% Mike Pence
First Lady of Blah
10% Vacant expression
10% Taciturn
20% In a marriage I hate
30% Enjoy the physical comfort and ability to distract myself with what husband’s money can buy
20% Genuinely care for my son
10% Wish this would all be over
It’s Miller Time…Unfortunately
5% Big forehead
10% Insufferable personality
10% Bloated ego
30% Fancy myself intelligent and educated
20% Hate myself for not being an Aryan like all my idols and the people I wish I could fit in with
10% Passionate about defending Trump’s indefensibility
10% Opposed to “cosmopolitan elitism”
5% Need to get laid
100% Stephen Miller
Inward Gaze
The ultimate goal of writing Percent Poems about oneself, besides a cute way to have fun and practice penmanship, of course, is to gain some insight into oneself. We’re not holding our breath, though. As right-wingers, we do love our Trump Team, but they seem impervious to insight about or knowledge into their own behavior, feelings, or motivations, or–God forbid–acting on increased self-awareness. It never hurts to try, though.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
