Thirteen little men like these were indicted in the Muller probe./Licensed Adobe stock, Dudariv Mikhail.
Special Counsel Robert Mueller indicted 13 Russian trolls Friday, alleging they engaged in nefarious activity to influence U.S. elections in 2016, reported CNET, without providing backup elves for Santa as he worked feverishly to be ready for gift-delivery this December.
“Without his Little Helpers, Santa will be unable to bring all the Christian children on his ‘Nice’ list gifts on Christmas Eve,” said the White House in a statement read by Sarah Huckabee Sanders during Friday’s press briefing.
When CNN’s Jim Acosta pointed out that “Santa’s Helpers” were elves, Sanders said that part of the liberal War on Christmas is to split hairs and draw a distinction between types of people of short stature, a divide-and-conquer strategy.
They’re Small, Male, White, and From a Very Cold Climate–What More Do We Need to Know?
Related: Design inspiration for the deported and more.
“That way, when the liberals, allied with Muslims, like Mueller, indict thirteen honest, hardworking Russian little guys for alleged election tampering, or whatever…wait a minute, Jim–you’re one of them, aren’t you?” Sanders asked.
“In an indictment released on Friday, Mueller and the Justice Department call out the Internet Research Agency, a group linked to Russian propaganda efforts across social media. Employees for the IRA created troll accounts and used bots to stage arguments and sow political chaos during the 2016 campaign,” according to CNET.
As non-Christian religious minorities have gained greater cultural prominence, some of the more dominant majority groups have reacted with a backlash alleging their faith is under attack, for example with a “War on Christmas.”
First, it was “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” and now Saint Nick’s elves are Russian trolls. Clearly, the next stop is mandatory hijab for white women in public,” Ann Coulter railed in a tweet shortly after the indictments were handed down.
“What you’re seeing here is nothing less than a step-by-step dismantling of all that is good and holy in the Lord’s eyes, to replace it with Sharia law,” said Ivan Trumpsky, Director of the White House’s Office on Religious Liberty for Good, Christian, White People.
Opinions From the Left and Also From Deranged People
Soviet historian Amy Knight told MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell that she was surprised at the skill and extent of the Russian disinformation campaign to sway voters on social media, the Internet in general, and even face-to-face interactions with voters. These methods of Russian influence on American elections were detailed by Neera Tanden, hear of the Center for American Progress, to O’donnell.
National security expert Malcolm Nance, the author of The Plot to Hack America,” said the Russians took on a long-term campaign to shape the information environment to support whoever would be running against Hillary Clinton in 2016.
Only Alt-right pundits like Tucker Carlson spoke about the fate of Christmas in the indictment.
“Given that Robert Mueller is one of the many grinches out there dead-set on stealing from white Christians our most wonderful time of the year, I think we need to reall look at how we, if at all, can continue to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by buying a lot of stuff. The retaill industry could suffer a lot with these and other troll indictments, which would tank the economy. The left would seize on that and say its evidence that Trump is bad for the economy. This exactly how conspiracies work,” Carlson said.
And: We offer some suggestions for the Trump admin to punish people for needing food stamps.
The American Association of Garden Gnomes and Lawn Statuary (AAGGLS) released a statement distancing themselves from the Russian trolls.
“Garden gnomes are not trolls, and we had nothing to do with Russia’s influence campaign during the 2016 elections. We will continue to–well, do whatever it is people think we’re doing by putting ceramic gnomes on their lawns, ” said Travis Locity, president of the AALS. “We intend to go about our creepy staring from people’s front yards as we always do.”
When reached for comment, Snow White said that she knew the 7 men she met 100,000 years ago in the woods to be honest men and upstanding citizens.
“They took me in after my stepmother tried to kill me. I’ll never forget that,” White said. “I’m not sure dwarves and trolls are the same things, however, so, there’s that.”
What It Could All Mean for Mueller’s Probe–and For December 25th
O’donnell wondered why President Donald Trump fears Putin so much that his official statement rebuking the trolls’ attacks on our electoral system contained no mention of the Russian leader’s name. You can read the full statement by Trump here.
What might Vladimir Putin know about Donald Trump and be, essentially, blackmailing him with?
“The indictment really seems to confirm the Christopher Steele report,” said Knight on O’donnells show. Eek.
The indictment also names Yevgeny Prigozhin as the leader of the trolls (could he be Santa himself?!). He was “the boss” in the Russian political influence campaign, according to statements the thirteen indicted trolls made and quoted in Mueller’s indictment. The trolls even instructed a crony to stand in Washington D.C. holding a “Happy Birthday” sign on Prigozhin’s 55th birthay.
Russian media nicknamed Prigozhin “Putin’s cook,” as he’s a prominent Russian restaurateur who has catered many meals between the Russian president and foreign dignitaries, said Knight.
“He was in prison for nine years in the Soviet period for theft and dealing with prostitutes, so he’s kind of a sleazy guy,” Knight said. If he does turn out to be the legendary Santa Claus we at SYRW will forgive him for being a scumbag, as will all our Alt-readers We’ve shown the same kind of foolish loyalty to our Alpha Male leaders that Nance described strongmen all over the world, like Trump and Putin, display to people in their lives.
Also: See what some of your Trump admin faves do to take a break at the White House.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
