The ruble–it’s not just for the former Soviet republics anymore!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Rrraum.
Zdravstvutye, right-wing finance fans!
Our favorite hostile foreign power, Russia, is undertaking U.S. Election Meddling 2.0, according to The New York Times. Well, this news, of course, made our Alt-right hearts sing over here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW). Because one of the many ways the world has turned upside down since the 2016 election is that the those on the right of the political spectrum are totes obsessed with Russia and its supposed benevolence and neighborliness. Trump likes it, so we have to loudly and without hesitation, support a hostile foreign power and its megalomaniacal authoritarian leader. To do anything else would be akin to poking the big, orange bear known as President Donald Trump.
To do our part, we invented a cryptocurrency of our own and offer it to SYRW readers and the Trump administration to aid and abet The Kremlin’s interference in our no-longer-free, no-longer-democratic elections.
“We expect Russia to continue using propaganda, social media, false-flag personas, sympathetic spokespeople and other means of influence to try to exacerbate social and political fissures in the United States,” Director of Nationa Intelligence Dan Coats told the Senate Intelligence Committee this week, according to The New York Times,
We think a cryptocurrency like BitCoin could really help them, and here are some ideas on how.
Related: Moral Bankruptcy vs. financial bankruptcy.
Why a Cryptocurrency?
“Cryptocurrency is digital money created from code…Free of all governmental oversight, the cryptocurrency economy is monitored by a peer-to-peer Internet protocol…Cryptocurrency is an encoded string of data or hash used to signify one unit of currency,” according to the good folks at Block Geeks. Do you really need to know any more than “free of all governmental oversight?” Well, the thing is, the “peer-to-peer” things involves adhering to some sort of standards, which seems to be quite difficult for the right lately. But let’s move on–after all we’re good at glossing over stuff when we just don’t want to face it.
First, Pres. Trump’s approach to “governing,” if you can call it that, is not public service, as has been the basis for the American political tradition. Instead, it’s transactional, we assume because of his history as (bad) businessman, He’s all about, “What can I get out of this?” and thinking of his every move in office as an “arrangement” of some sort. Cryptocurrency is, then, perfect for him and us.
Get the Memo
“Paging Representative Devin Nunes. Paging Devin Nunes.”
Perhaps we could pay DNun to write another one of his Memos of Attempted Mischief. Who cares if they literally amount to nothing, almost disappearing into thin air due to as cotton-candy disappears onto the tongue due to its airy consistency? The point of Nunes Memos, or Nunos, is not to make cogent arguments, but to be a dog-and-pony distraction show. Devin, dear: what’s your BitRuble username so that we can pay you to keep doing the same until the Mueller probe goes away?
Junior Takes a Meeting
Who has a little time among us? Okay, reader-with-your-hand-in-the-air, thank you for volunteering. We’ll pay you in BitRuble to send Don, Jr. an email like the one Rob Goldstone sent to Donald Trump, Jr. in 2016.
And: Get the deets on Ivanka’s genius legal strategy.
It should read similarly to the following: “I have some very sensitive information on Nany Pelosi. I obtained it through illegal means, and you can only have it if you do illegal things with it.”
We’re pretty sure Don Don, Jr. will respond thusly: “Ok! I promise–in fact, I am committing murder and robbery and a host of other illegal things as I type this. When can you meet to discuss the illegality you want me to commit that I am, by writing this email, agreeing to commit, happily.”
Then we can all get aboard the Red State Express and pounce protectively on Trump, Sr. in a show of our continued support for him, even though all signs point to a horrid act by a horrid person.
iPolitical Influence
We ask you, dear readers, what good is a currency if it can’t buy political influence? Do you need to know anything more in order to get on BitRuble.org and buy, buy, buy? We could be just a mouse click away from a White Nationalist homeland headed by DTrump. We just need to keep Republicans in control of the legislature and stack the courts with arch-conservative, child-molesting, Dominionists–anything so we never, ever have to share power with anyone outside our tribe!
Ok, good huddle! Now let’s go, let’s click, let’s win!
Dos Vedanya, Democracy!
The Intelligence officials that testified before on Capitol Hill this week said the U.S. approach to dealing with Russian threats must occur on two fronts: managing the circulation of Russian misinformation, and strengthening our electoral system of elections. We, as right-wing nut jobs, want none of this! We and our Russian allies in our government created BitRuble to undermine and damage our democracy, make cultural divisions into Grand Canyons of dispute, and sow chaos and confusion. President Trump likes Russia and likes using it for various nefarious activities, so we as Trump-ers have to simultaneously pretend Russia isn’t doing anything wrong, and help it do “nothing wrong.” We’re fully aboard the S.S. Trump, and we’re going down with this ship.
Also: See how Gen, Kelly uses food to cope with awkward situations!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
