Being a soulless monster can sure take it outta ya’!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Dudarev Mikhail.
Hey, my right-wing Chatty Cathys!
It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, your uber-connected right-wing gossip with some seriously juicy tidbits for you., as always. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
My very connected Alt-sources recently clued me into what some of your Trump administration faves do to unwind at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. You know, on days when they’re not making craven, unforgivable arguments about why all firearms shouldn’t be banned despite the fact that 17 young lives were just snuffed out like a match-flame in Florida. yesterday and such. Aren’t you just dying to know what these soulless monsters do for fun? Ok, let’s get to it, then!
Related: Read about the cryptocurrency we invented to aid Russia in its election meddling.
Mock Trial by Fire
Let’s start with General John Kelly. This ball of nerves who’s wound up tighter than a two-dollar watch needs to let off steam, too. He’s human after all, isn’t he?! No, seriously, is he? Anyway, when Gen. Kelly isn’t spitting at his own reflection in a bathroom mirror for enabling the most horrible man on Earth to inflict his horror on the entire nation, he likes to sit alone in his office at his desk, stare at the door, and slam a tennis ball into the ground over and over. Aaaaaaahhhh–nothing like those super-Zen activities that allow you to relax while remaining active, right Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers?
“General Kelly may seem like a humorless pill…but, ok, that’s what he is,” one of my oh-so-connected D.C. insiders told me.
Kellyanne OxyConway
In other Kelly news, everyone’s favorite sagging horse face–yesterday 17 children were massacred in Florida, and we ain’t in no mood to pull punches today–has some fun ways to unwind when the pressures of being the bleached-blond mouthpiece( because that’s the only kind of woman the right will pay any attention to) for the World’s Worst Human just get to be too much for her. Yes, even KCon has her limits–what those are is still unclear. Sometimes, she just needs to let her frizzy hair down and unwind.
Another one of my very connected D.C. sources was driving to work at 5:00 a.m. in D.C, and who did she see on the corner of 23rd and K but Little Miss Conway. They saw her take an orange bottle full of white, flat, round pills from someone in a Cadillac Escalade with tinted windows, which sped off soon after this transaction.
When my source approached Ms. Conway, Kellyanne said she was getting something from the CVS nearby. Ok, Kells, whatever.
And; How Mike Pence could thaw the deep freeze in Pyeongchang.
Another source told me that Kellyanne’s husband has her on a strict budget, so once in a while, she can be found in the same neighborhood mentioned above asking male passersby “if they need a date.”
What Mike Likes
When Mike Pence isn’t on all fours, panting and drooling at Trump’s office door, waiting for his next assignment, he can be found racing into his office and slamming the door shut. Once inside, a source tells me he has one hand on his laptop’s trackpad, and one hand in his lap. He monitors homosexual pornography sites to keep track of how many visitors they get, which would indicate an uptick in homosexual desire in the nation. That, of course, would mean he would have to mobiize his Evangelical troops to work even harder to help gays become ex-gays. He also keeps a box of tissues on his desk and has been known to race out of his office with his shirt peeking out of the zipper in his pants. Such a great guy–forgoing looking perfect after making sure the gays aren’t trying to convert our children through their…uh…websites, and then being in such a rush to get back to being Trump’s right-wing hand man, he forgets to tuck his shirt all the way in after whatever it was he was doing in his office *coughs* *masturbating to gay porn*
Ryan Ain’t Cryin’
House Majority Leader Paul Ryan takes a lot of heat for his namby-pamby, mealymouthed responses to school shootings around the country and a host of other political issues he spends his workday equivocating on. But a source close to Ryan tells me that, in Ryan’s opinion, there’s something very important to remember that gets lost in the gun control debate in this country: water guns can be really fun.
Hence, when he has a break in his grueling work schedule, to let loose Ryan gets some Republican colleagues together for a game of cops and robbers using Nerf Super Soaker Blasters.
The whole lot of them is tired, wet, panting, and laughing after a few minutes of H2O-weaponry fun. They really can’t understand why liberals want to put a sock in this merriment!
Tillerson Takes a Timeout
When Secretary of State Rex “Rexxon” Tillerson needs to decompress, he whips out this week’s issue of Slick, the professional journal of the of the petroleum industry. A source tells me he’s been known to walk through the walls of the White House with that publication in hand and stop random passersby to gaze at them intensely over his eternally-on bifocals to ask things like, “What’s three letters and doesn’t mix well with water–Oh! Right–oil Thanks, buddy!” Then he’ll laugh boisterously and keep walking.
Also: Decor inspiration for the deported or soon-to-be.
Recess Time!
The Secretary of Education who has the honor of being the person to hold that position with the least amount of experience in the field or, for that matter, native intelligence, is one Trump admin trustee who it, seems never stops working, One of her many hobbies is indoor aquariums. She brings her copies of Freshwater Aquarium (seriously–it’s a magazine) to her office and devours every word. When one of my sources asked her what got her interested in fish, she responded, “Well, I’m in charge of our nation’s schools. A group of fish is called a school.”
She said she thought that one really has to think outside of the box when trying to solve the U.S’. education problems, which sometimes seem intractable and unsolvable, and that’s what she’s trying to do: think outside the box by reading about schools of fish. So wise…
Just a thought, but might she try to learn the basics of education delivery and management first, no? Maybe know the field before trying to turn it on its head for the benefit of the friends you made as a businesswoman?
Lord Help Us, Right?
You thought this cavalcade of weirdos couldn’t get any weirder, didn’t you, readers? Apparently, you were wrong. We can’t decide, here at SYRW, if all of the above is cute or…creepy, I guess we think it’s creepy, because we are taking turns showering to wash the layer of filth we feel is coating all of our bodies from knowing all this bizarre stuff. I guess there’s no accounting for the ways people choose to de-stress after selling their souls to the devil himself, Donald Trump, on a daily basis.
Until next time, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
