chrisWe can’t allow it to remain as much fun as it is to subsist on food stamps, can we?/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Kagenmi.
Gustatory Greetings, Tasty Traditionalists! Some of America’s hungry were just living too high off the hog with a little extravagance called food stamps. In the Trump Admin’s latest attempt to punish people for being disadvantaged, it’s taking away the right to make your own food choices if you need assistance with meals. Instead, they’ll be making the choices for you. You know, ‘cuz the right wing is all about small government. And poor-shaming.
“The Trump administration is proposing replacing a portion of the federal food stamp program with actual boxes of food delivered to recipients’ front doors, putting the U.S. government directly in charge of what goes on the dinner plates of more than 16 million low-income households,” reported CNBC.
We at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) humbly submit the following ideas to help Trump and his team bring home the message that it’s your fault if you’re poor, because you’re just not good at life.
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The Color of No Money
White House budget director Mick Mulvaney likened this new meal assistance to the uber-pricey Blue Apron food delivery service. We suggest calling the Trump Admin’s Red Stigma–Red for Republican and Stigma for dishonor, for the opprobrium we conservatives attach to low incomes. What a great idea, this less choice for the already-struggling is. After all, rich people deserve school choice, but those facing economic hardship don’t deserve the dignity of deciding what they should put in their bodies. What is this, some government handout?
At This Hour?
We here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) sure don’t like to be woken up the middle of the night, and we’re guessing most of you Alt-readers out there are with us. So the next way to increase the hassle, unpleasantness, and, if people see you, dishonor Trumpy McTrumperson and his merry band of idiots want you to feel for needing food assistance, we think Red Stigma meals should be delivered in the middle of the night. Also, then, in addition to hungry, you’ll be tired. Well, there’s no such thing as a free lunch, nor a free snooze, now is there, as Mensa Barbie, Tohmi Lahren likes to point out. If you’re getting food delivered, it’s not because of economic hardship, it’s because you’re just lazy, and this is a good way to punish you for it.
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?
Someone richer than you, that’s who’s coming to dinner, ungrateful poor person. Along with every Red Stigma meal should come a Wealthy American. Dressed expensively and chauffer-driven separate from your meal, this monied model citizen should eat a much nicer than meal than you directly across from you. That’ll really bring home how bad you have it. Then maybe you’ll make better life choices. You should be punished like, a child, and this is a great way to accomplish that.
And: Five DIY repurposing opps to help you Alt-reverse societal progress.
These people should be embarrassed to be who they are, frankly.
Reverend Moneybags-esdale
Hester Prynne is the heroine of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter. She was forced to wear a red-hued “A” for “adulteress” on her body in the Puritan village the novel is set in. Of course, in that case, and our cases, we’re talking about a patriarchal society that always, always favors men, so Reverend Dimmesdale, who knocked up Hester, didn’t have to suffer.
Speaking of suffering induced by knowing you’re being silently, if not loudly, judged by your peers, recipients of Red Stigma meals should be penalized like Hester and be forced to wear an adhesive, red “H,” for hungry on their bodies. They should then be made to eat their boxed meals while seated at the busiest intersection near their homes. The red “H” each recipient wears should be available for purchase on the Make American Great Again website.
Bitter Nourishment
All Red Stigma meals should taste awful. If you didn’t inherit $14 million dollars like President Donald Trump, well, then you’re shit outta luck, aren’t you, poor person? We’re just trying to think of ways to maltreat you into lifting yourself up by your bootstraps, as is the Trump Admin. A great way to do that would be to make all the meals available for delivery through Red Stigma taste like feces, stink bug smell, dirt, and other smells and flavors everyone hates. You didn’t expect to be rewarded for your low station in life, now did you? If you got food you liked, why would you ever stop using Red Stigma, goes the logic of Trump and his fellow developmental-five-year-old making our social policy?
Charity Doesn’t Begin at the White House
On his and Mika Brzezinski’s morning talk show on MSNBC this week, “Morning Joe.,” co-host Joe Scarborough said he grew up around a lot of “Matthew: 25 Christians,” meaning they took that Biblical verse as inspiration to do charitable works. Well, Trump is a lot of things, but he’s not someone who cares about service to fellow humans, or other sentient beings for that matter, at all. He’s a Matthew 25 2.0 Christian–he’ll give you stuff–like boxed government-assisted meals, but he gon’ make you suffer. More than you already are, suffering, that is, by having to be given food by the government instead of buying it yourself like everyone around you. Tut, tut! The hungry would never learn to stop being victims of the systemic injustice in a Late Capitalist system rigged against them if Trump and his team just gave people stuff. Oh, no. Other “first-world” countries give much more away, but we in the U.S. of A. should keep it as prehistoric as possible.
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“The story of the last five hundred years is one of continual emancipation,” wrote Bill McKibben in his book, Deep Economy. Not anymore! In the Trump Era, it’s the story of the re-oppression of the people who had emancipated themselves, and that should include people who need meal assistance. Based on one a Fox News documentary about a food stamp recipient buying lobster in the grocery store “unabashedly,” MSNBC’s Chris Hayes noted with exasperation at us on the right, Trump, and his acolytes, decided to rework the food stamps program. That’s sound research, scholarship, facts, and reason to base public policy on if we’ve ever heard it.
Until next week, Bon Appetit, SYRW readers!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
