sYou’re just 5 products away from living in the Middle Ages again–and that’s what every right-winger wants!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, maglara.Â
If you’re like so many of your conservative political pals–and you must be, as we right-wingers are big, big, big on conformism–you probably have had it up to your Neanderthal neck with all the cultural advancement. Enough with the progress, the forward motion, the woman and minorities making headway in terms of securing basic rights. Let’s get back to prehistory, already! Primordial renaissance, right, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers? Well, we’re always looking out for products to sell you to fatten our wallets and narrow your world-view. Like the ones below!
I Don’t Have a Sweet Dreams
The first thing you gotta get to stop all this sharing the cultural pie with others nonsense is a Woke Mask. You may see the item adjacent and think, “That’s a sleep mask!” Only for a liberal! For us on the right of the political spectrum and the wrong of everything else, it’s a Woke Mask. As such, you don’t wear it when you want to enter the Land of Nod. You wear it when you want to remain in Land of White Heterosexist Patriarchy. It’ll block out the visions of blacks at the voting booth, gays at the wedding altar, and Muslims and Jews in the town square that threaten your Euro-descent, Christian, procreating lifestyle as they march in the parade of visibility that threatens to make you late for Hate Class by blocking traffic.
Related: See our ideas for Mike Pence to work his diplomatic self over in South Korea.
Muzzlim Muzzle
You may look at this next item and think, “I have one of those to keep my dog quiet.” Well, it’s also to keep your Muslim co-workers and neighbors quiet, readers. They already cover their heads, so why not ask them to do you a favor and cover their mouths, too? Stop that prayer-to-call chanting five times a day and that Allahu-Akbar-ing before you blow stuff up, jeez! Just secure one of these thangs on the next olive-skin-toned fellow or lassie you see, and you won’t have to hear their cries of, “Please, let me be me!”
Before these weirdos stop us from instituting Dominionist curricula in public schools by instituting Sharia curricula in public schools, fasten one of these on the next Arabianistaninan face you see.
Reverse Chastity Belt
Now, these lovely style choices never really got a fair shake. What savages others are for practicing female genital mutilation to subjugate chicks, when you could go the Western route and oppress women with laws…and underwear.
This little number was originally intended to keep things from going up a woman, but it can also prevent them from coming out. And by “them,” of course, we mean, “children.” And if women don’t have control of their reproductive rights, it’s that much easier to control all the other aspects of their lives as well.
Just wrestle the unruly gals in your life into one of these and you’ll be on the road to reasserting control of their wombs and everything else they about them, too.
And: Did you know these 5 restaurants have popped up in D.C. since Trump took office?
Sexual Tabboo Tape
This handy-dandy item could prepare things to be mailed, stop leaks until the plumber comes, or push the LGBTQIA community back into their closets. Just stretch it over the mouth of a homo saying, “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it,” and they’ll soon feel so dejected and demoralized they’ll willingly go back into the closet of shame where they hid for millennia. And once there, the shame will become so severe they’ll kill themselves. Problem solved!
Too harsh even for your Alt-tastes? How about Sexual Tabboo Tape across the anuses of the LGBTQI, so that they can’t engage in sodomy. This also works from an Evangelical standpoint, because the definition of ex-gay in that community is simply not having gay sex anymore.
Gayjacket
When these beautiful outerwear pieces were invented, they were meant to restrict the wild and flailing movements of the mentally ill in breakdown crisis, and thus they were called straitjackets.
You may, courtesy of SYRW, call them Gayjackets. They’ll tie the LGBT up like the criminals they are, preventing from reaching out to one another to find community and hope through human connection.
What we really love about the Gayjacket is that can also be used to oppress anyone, in a pinch. Mexican landscape artists demanding more pay? Gayjacket. The Arab trying to enter the country at JFK? Gayjacket. The differently-abled person on Capital Hill trying to maneuver his/her wheelchair to a hearing to testify about the need for workplaces that accommodate his/her community? Gayjacket.
Acknowledgement Silencers
In the last season of her eponymous talk show, Oprah Winfrey said the one thing all her guests had in common over 25 years of five-shows-per-week, was that they wanted to know, “Do you see me? Do you hear me?” With the Woke Mask above you can answer, “No!” to the first question, now. And with these earplugs-turned-acknowledgment-silencers, you can now answer, “No” to the second question, too. “No, I don’t want to hear you, so shut up, women and minority groups. I’m deaf to your struggle–by choice and orange-hued ear insert–and moreover, I can hear my own thoughts and every tiny noise my body makes, which I’m deeply interested in, even better with these guys.
Also: How to lie to yourself like a good little Alt-righter engaging in mad self-delusion.
Wrapping It Up on Rights
We’ve now given you some specific ways you can re-oppress those who had just begun to secure some basic human rights in the last few years in the U.S.A. using mostly items you have around the house already, likely. Except for the Gayjacket–that you’ll have to buy from a medical supply store. Also, though, you could make one out of any binding fabric (Spanx?) material you have around the house. Really, you don’t need to get fancy when doing your part to return American society to the way it was when Columbus landed on these shores and gave everyone syphilis, alcoholism, and small pox!
Gather the above items together, put them in a box, a bin, a bag, a sack, a crate–as long as you’re motivated my hate and sealing a dark fate for those who don’t belong to your self-selected tribe, you’ll be good.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
