Sometimes you REALLY have to tailor your message to your audience!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Jenko Ataman.
Gustatory Greetings, all you Tasty Traditionalists and Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers out there! We are always, always looking out for our fellow travelers on this road of reactionary-ism, to mix our metaphors. And it occurred to us that some of you may have trouble digesting info like Agent Orange over there in the White House. If you have Information IBS, Crohn’s Disease of Cluelessness, or Facts and Figures Flatulence, you’re in luck. Well, not as lucky as if you didn’t have a GI disorder, but still, pretty lucky. We’re going to review a few of the most common and effective ways to force-feed yourself information!
Portions of Palatability
Now, there is nothing–NOTHING– too obvious to state, so plain as day that it can not be stated even more plainly in this, the Trump Era. So, we’re going to go ahead and tell you that you need to start small when it comes to apprising yourself or someone else of information. Rather than War and Peace, why not try wrapping your brainy bowels first around the back of a breakfast cereal box?
It’s all about portion control, people. Even an entire lasagna is eaten one bite at a time, after all. As New York magazine’s Jonathan Chait noted, the first method his handlers use to help President Donald Trump digest daily security briefings is to make them shorter.
Bite-Sized Bits
Step two in fractal fricasseeing for the Prez is dicing even your modest portions you begin with into smaller and smaller bits. Well, bites. Yes, you’re actually right now reading a sentence about how to rip off pieces of food from a larger parent chunk. If the nom-nom-numminess is not as appealing as Trump’s handlers had originally imagined–you know, the whole eyes-bigger-than stomach situation–never fear! Once again, JChait’s article points out that another method of info-easeing can come in handy for them.
Related: See the real, full story behind Rob Porter’s resignation!
A Fetching Feast for the Eyes
Answer quick: would you rather slurp down a puddle of vomit or force down a hunk of poo? Oh, calm down! The point is: Â presentation is very important, as Dorothy once said to Sophia, on The Golden Girls, people. And we made our point, didn’t we? Now, in order to make sure something goes down easy, the first thing Trump’s staff needs to consider is how it looks. If something’s turning Trump’s stomach, it’s not very likely that they’re going to be able to be successful in getting him to consume it.
So, with Trump, and his pals should follow this guidance as well. The people around Donny T make intelligence information look less like leftovers on the side of the road and more like a five-star baked good dripping in a rich ganache and rained on with sprinkles! Graphs, charts, and lots of other pretty decorations are another method his subordinates use to help Donald understand what they’re saying about information that could be seriously consequential for you and me.
Chait, again, tells us this is one of the methods that the merry band of misfits surrounding Trump uses to get The Donald to understand stuff: flashy graphics! These have an even better chance of working in terms of all the methods we discuss in this article, as they are the information-imparting tactics favored by the lowest-common-denominator folks over at Trump’s fave “news” channel, Fox News. Perhaps Gen. Kelly could run by Trump holding a long strip of paper with important facts written on it to simulate the chyron on the bottom of the Fox News screen.
When All Else Fails…
Here are three last-ditch methods to make the medicine go down in the most delightful way, as Julie Andrews sang in Mary Poppins. Listen and read closely, White House staff.
And: Join us on a cruise through the stormy seas of Internet dis/misinformation.
Sweeten it. Even if you don’t have a sweet tooth, ya’ can’t deny that sweetness is more seductive than any other taste. Of the five flavors, the human tongue can identify–sweet, sour, salty, bitter, umami–“sweet” is the most universally agreeable. Dousing things with sugar is a tried and true method of making them more palatable, people! So maybe put pictures of scantily-clad women all around texts that Trump must take in.
Think texture. Are you more likely to eat ground glass or a down a smoothie? Smoothie–duh! So blend info together so that yummy stuff gets mixed up with yucky stuff, and the mediocre mess you’re left with might be moderately-liked. His staff could present a memo to Trump that alternates between paragraphs of dry, intelligence info and exciting info about his favorite topic–himself.
Brute force is always an option, too, When you give a cat a pill, you have to massage it down the throat, literally forcing the esophageal muscles to perform the action of swallowing, and this method may be called for when trying to impart information unto Trump. Holding him down and not letting up until he’s read a brief they hold in close proximity to his face might be another method White House aides employ to force facts into Trump’s noggin.
There ain’t nothin’ wring with a nasogastric tube Alt-food lovers. Knock Trump out, hook a line up to his stomach through his nose, and inject the information directly into his bloodstream.
What It’s Come To
Also: Ivanka has a genius legal strategy to free the whole family from potential legal trouble.
The Security-Briefing-Folks found none of these methods above worked with Trump, reported Jonathan Chait. So they now deliver the messages verbally. To extend the food metaphor–and bring home how bad the situation is–this is like if you had to get someone to eat something, but they couldn’t/wouldn’t, so you a) either threw it at them and hoped something would land in his mouth or b) put it into a vapor or gas state and tried to make it seep into his pores!
Change? Not Exactly
President Obama noted that the presidency doesn’t change who you are, it magnifies who you are, as Politico reported last year. Well, if that’s the case, apparently Donald Trump has quite a thick skull, shall we say. Of course, we’re Alt-right, aren’t we readers? So his thickness is one of the reasons we like him and even wanted him to be the president. Whether or not that was a good choice remains to be seen, though we’ve proven that no matter we’re shown about Trump, we’ll continue to support him. Our egos just can’t handle the idea of admitting we made a mistake.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
