An annoying subordinate at work? Fire ‘im (he’s a guy, obviously)–but be sketchy and twisted about it, like Trump!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Viacheslav Iakobchuk.
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers?
I’m so glad to be here with you in a time when pretty, psychotic white boys, like Rob Porter, whom I imagine a virile captain of industry like you to look like, are under attack by the brown-and-black radical feminist Democrat culture. Luckily, they’re not going to get anywhere with their whining and complaining. Our culture ultimately loves those who grab pussies and brag about it and hates the stick-in-the-mud coloreds trying to ruin our white-rapist-privilege culture fun. So we’re good.
I did get a letter from a reader-in-need that I wanted to share with you. I hope it’ll help you in your Alt-pursuits of behaving like a cretin who respects no one and expects a reward for it. Read on–and take notes!
Dear Dr. MacEnnaKnee,
I live in New York City and work at one of the big financial firms on Wall Street. I manage hundreds of subordinates, and we’re dealing with hundreds of millions of dollars per day, moving them around, looking busy, sharing cigars and cognac in our offices overlooking the Hudson. Well, one of my employees, who was brought in to see that I am able to continue sleeping my way through the office despite being married, participating in insider trading, doing lines in my private bathroom, and generally behaving like a boorish thug–that employee is cramping my style. I’m over it. He’s the third person brought in on this job. So I worry–so how unfair this whole thing is to me: I’m worried–that it’ll be bad for company morale if I just hand him his pink slip and advise him not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out. How can I have my cake (being rid of the schmuck) and eat it too (not let people see what a total asshole I am)?
Maudlin in Manhattan
Dear Maudlin,
Oh, my heart goes out to you. Those shrill feminists and liberal do-gooders have made you doubt yourself. When are beautiful white boys–which I can only assume you are, given that you’re in charge of a company on Wall St.–are doubting themselves and how much we love them and value their gift of going-too-far–well, then the terrorists have won, haven’t they?
I’m going to tell you exactly what to do, and as always, it’s going to be guided by the actions of our dear president, The Orange Menace himself, Donald Trump, Jr.
Now, what you need to keep in mind is that with each firing or pushing-out of an employee, you’re subtly showing the remaining employees what you think of them and how fast and with what ferocity you’ll can them at your next whim. You need to keep them hypervigilant, surrounded by a cloud of uncertainty,
Drip, Drip, Drip–It’s All About the Drip
So, first, start leaking stories to the financial press–Bloomberg, Forbess, Businessweek, and the like–about your dissatisfaction with this dude, as Don Jon has did with this Vanity Fair story about his over-it-ness with  Chief of Staff Gen. John Kelly as far back as January.
Then, create a delicious culture of doubt, of PTSD-like anxiety by leaking other stories indicating you’re totally satisfied with that employee, in this example Gen. Kelly, of course, like this one from Politico.
Third, call the man who used to be in the position of the employee you want out for a we-had-it-good-didn’t we-talk, as Trump has done by calling Reince Preibus to reminisce about the good ol’ days. This story must leak to the press too, and it the case of Trump/Preibus, it did, as evidenced by. We’re dealing with a pro sociopath in Trump, after all!
Laugh as you lie in your bed, alone at night, watching Fox News stories wondering will-he-or-won’t-he-fire-Kelly (or your guy). Grab your crotch and growl, “Yeah, man–don’t mess with the bull, ‘cuz you’ll get the horns.”
Now, let your to-be-fired employee know that you have someone in mind to replace him, as Trump has done by leaking stories that he’s considering Mick Mulvaney for Kelly’s position. As an example, take this story from Hot Air.
If you’ve played these sick mind games right, and Trump has, your annoying employee, like Kelly, will announce that he’s fine with leaving the position. Again, he’ll leak it to the press, which you want, and Trump wants, so there’s a public record of this deplorable behavior.
Jobs! Jobs for Sale!
I trust you, Maudlin, as an Alt-reader or SYRW to be able to do what liberal looney David Gregory said on CNN Trump is doing as the head of his White House.
“Again we get more insight into the chaotic nature of how this president is running the West Wing. Because it’s a bazaar of information over there, of people trading information about oh so-and-so’s talking to Reince Preibus the former chief of staff, oh, the president’s thinking about replacements, There is no order, it is just a free for all, over there. And in the middle, by the way, of a very sensitive time in our country and on the world stage.”
The Big, Bad Picture
As I said, sure, you want to get this pest of an employee raining on your dude-bro parade out of your virile man way. But the larger goal to keep in mind is, you need to be strategic. Use this chump as an example. Anyone else who displeases the boss man–you, Trump–even just a little, is next. Everyone’s neck is perpetually balanced on the guillotine. You’re just waiting for them to mess up or for the mood to strike you, and you’ll let that blade drop. You’ll never give these disposables another thought after–unless you need to use them as pawns in another, similar workplace game of domination, suppression, and keeping people in their place.
Now fire the guy, relishing the feeling of holding someone’s livelihood in your hands. Stand in your office, alone, gazing out at the Hudson.
Think to yourself, “I have no one, no one cares about me, my life amounts to nothing, and when I die, no one will miss me. But today, this patsy I fired remembered me and was scared of me. I have such a great life.”
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
