Fox News: the big fans of anything orange, such as the animal and the President./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Oleg Zhevelev.
What’s up, Alt-fun-lovers?! We thought we’d try something really neat today. A poll on who or what that’s totally opposed to all that humans are genetically programmed to find repellent we’d support next if the dummies in polyester at Fox News told us to. Because clearly, we have abdicated our sovereign thought processes over to Fox News for a simpler monkey-see-monkey-do approach to “forming our opinions”. We watch Fox News, we see the flashy graphics, hear the screaming banshee voices, watch alarming updates speed by on the chiron, and take in the network’s dumbed-down version of reality as our own thoughts.
This is how we at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW), you Trump supporters out there, and Republicans, in general, got behind the totally bogus Nunes Memo, we assume–and even the idea of Donald Trump for president. Clearly, Fox News has all-access permission to our brains. As that channel is beholden to its owner Rupert Murdoch, and his arch-conservative views, it’s now a full-time mouthpiece for President Trump. What a relief to have just one place to turn to for an ideologically consistent view, instead of having to take in multiple sources of media and their subtly or even drastically different takes on the same developments in the news. So much easier this way! This is just what an authoritarian wants, too–control of the media and how it portrays him. And let’s face it that is what our dear Trump is: an authoritarian So let’s just do an exercise that will help us be intellectually prepared for the next instance akin to the Nunes memo, the anti-Take-a-Knee vitriol, or anti-Obamacare rantings we see on Fox News. Those require us to go against logical and sensible thought, basic to the human experience, And so just follow whatever we’re spoonfed. Read on, and as you do, flex whatever muscles of anti-reason it’ll take when Fox calls on you to support the next right-wing political development that you know you shouldn’t.
Let’s Get a Round of Applause
First, let’s try throwing our support behind “Gonnorhea.” Yes, that age-old bummer of a sexually transmitted disease (STD), known colloquially as The Clap. Gonorrhea is a bacterial infection, and a sharp pain when urinating is the most commonly-known symptom, However, many people can have no symptoms and not even know they had it. You get it by having unprotected sex–exchanging bodily fluids–with someone who already has it. It can be present in the penis, vagina, cervix, anus, or urethra, according to Planned Parenthood. It’s relatively easily treated by a course of antibiotics, often penicillin.
Imagine Steve Doocy, smiling his toothy smile, his back weirdly erect, his legs manspread on the couch on Fox and Friends, telling you, “What the Liberal Media doesn’t want you to know, hasn’t wanted to let out, is that it’s good to have gonorrhea.”
Well, having a painful burning sensation when you urinate would make you go the doctor. While there, you likely undergo a variety of other diagnostic tests, any one of which could reveal another condition that needs treatment that you were unaware of and would have remained so had you not needed treatment for the Big G. When your treatment with antibiotics has progressed far enough, the awful, dagger-like burning and stinging when you urinate will subside. Think of how you’ll feel so happy to be urinating normally again! And you know to either not have sex with the person you got The Clap from, or use a condom if you do. Honestly, thanks to imaginary Steve Doocy here, we can’t think of a downside, can you, dear readers?
What Is It With the John Waynes of the World?
There’s John Wayne Bobbit, whose wife cut off his penis, then there’s John Wayne Gacy. He kidnapped, tortured, raped, and murdered thirty-two ‘teenage boys and young men,’ between 1972 and 1978,” according to Biography. Undoubtedly, reading that makes you physically ill. But let’s imagine Ainsley Earhardt on Fox and Friends, her bleached blond her falling just above her enormous breast implants, saying, “Jimmy Carter really took the lead on prosecuting this man, manufacturing evidence and coercing statements out of witnesses to make it seem like a white, heterosexual man was guilty of these heinous crimes.”
And: Stir up a pot of trouble with our Stir-the-Pot-in-Pot Pot!
Now despite a preponderance of evidence against Gacy, we can easily get on board. Imagine if Earhardt said this: “A black man, who was a friend of Gacy’s–Jamal Watkins–there’s a great deal of evidence that the liberal-controlled court in Gacy’s case suppressed that pointed to Watkins’ guilt in the heinous crimes. And Gacy maintained his innocence until the day he was executed.”
Well, we don’t even need to perform any mental gymnastics to get behind this one. Imaginary Earhardt told us “the truth,” now we know Gacy was just another white male victim of a justice system biased toward blacks. Done and done. Moving on!
Let’s Go Clubbing!
Head injuries aren’t so bad. In fact, there are a lot of positives to them. What if Fox and Friends told us this? They are our “friends” after all.
Host Brian Kilmeade might tell us, “Look, yes, it’s true: being clubbed in the head hurts, and you could die as a result. Best-case scenario: you end up in a coma, fed through a tube and bedridden for the rest of your life. Think of how relaxing that would be! You’d simply always have that fresh-from-a-good-nap feeling.” Moreover, You’d be taken care of by experts in the medical field, visited by family and friends, and everyone would miss all the wonderful things you brought to their lives, You’d finally be thought of as the superior person you always knew you were!”
See: it’s all how you look at it–or how Fox News tells you to look at it, rather.
Line Up In Lockstep
If you’re anything like us here at SYRW, readers, something that makes you look up at the heavens and moan, “Why, Lord, why?” is a line. Yes, like a queue, as the Brits say. Whether it’s at the grocery store, an amusement park, or–thanks to those Muslims–the airport security checkpoint, lines and waiting in them are despised all over the nation. Of course, if Fox News told us the right wing is now in favor of endless, snaking rows of humans in single file, we’d be–well, lining up to sing their praises.
Can’t you just hear that monster, Jeanine Pirro’s voice now: “In a service economy, which we have in the U.S.A in this stage of Late Capitalism, ok, you’re going to have long lines. Everywhere, So, of course, those liberal whiners are constantly complaining about them, saying they have better things to do than stand around bored to tears waiting to be helped at the bank, or the deli, or even in traffic, Well, guess what Deep State? We love them, we love them with every synthetic fiber of our being. Yeah, the majority of Americans, who are on the right of the political spectrum, love waiting in lines, and we’re not going to let you take our long lines away from is. It’s our right to love them and enjoy them, spelled out in the Second Amendment. That’s the Constitution–try reading it.”
Easy peasy! Just like that, we now love waiting in lines! Fun, isn’t this?
Something Stinks In Here
And last, but certainly not least, we have the piece de tell-us-what-to-advocate-for resistance: feces. Yes, duty, number two, caca, whatever you want to call it. Nothing is more universally repugnant to humans than Sugar Honey Iced Tea. That is, it’s up for a big old hug from us on the right if and when Fox News orders us to start a-lovin’ it.
Let’s give this one to Juan Williams, one of Murdoch Media’s token ethnics. Image he said the following:
“Now, a lot of Liberals would have you think you shoud be repulsed by excrement. What the Nanny State won’t tell you, though, is that one of the substances that gives poop its horrific smell is called indole. It’s found in white flowers like the gardenia, too, geniuses.! And those poor people around the globe they’re always pretending to care about–they’ve been known to make huts out of patties of this stuff, okay? So let’s open up our minds–a phrase I never thought I’d say–and start loving human waste matter!”
Foxes Are Wily
We on the right love to say, “the media is biased toward a liberal, anti-Trump narrative…we can’t trust anything we read…the news is a left-wing conspiracy….corporations control the mainstream media.” Let’s keep telling ourselves that instead of seeing that the MOST bias, the MOST corporate control, the MOST untrustworthy “journalists” pushing a specific narrative no matter what the actual truth is ALL work at Fox News. All of them. Every single one. So turn it up, and say goodbye to good life choices.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
