Please, don’t play it again, Trump./Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Grafvision.
Rock-on, Red-State Reactionaries! We at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) hope this article finds you chiming into a three-part harmony of hate, making the lives of one or more minority group worse with some melodies of misery, and conducting your very own orchestra of obeisance to The Donald. We know many of you SYRW readers out there don’t just need the latest on what’s happening in the Alt-entertainment worlds. Lots of you entertain in your own right, and you need to know the best practices, conservatively-inclined entertainers. Well, read on for some tips on taking your right-wing performance from tame to terrifying, Rep. Susan Collins (R-Me.) to Roy Moore, and mildly objectionable to Neo-Nazi! Related: See what Gen. John Kelly whips up in the kitchen to help him cope with the #awkward situations he finds himself in every day.
Good Vibrations?’
Surprising no one, President Trump Yesterday and today, made some daily, characteristically-tone-deaf comments, this time about his wife-beating ex-aide Rob Porter and the #metoo movement. As gifted as he is in this regard, we wanted to bring exclusive news, gained by our all-access pass to the White House from Hell of the exact methods and materials he uses to reach the heights of insensitivity, boorishness, and gag-me-gross behavior that he engages in. Trump went on a cringeworthy, awful, abhorrent–meaning we at SYRW and the whole conservative universe, judging by its silence on the matter, loved it–soliloquy about the heartbreak he feels over the resignation of top White House aide Rob Porter, after allegations and images of his physical abuse of two ex-wives went public.
“I found out about it very recently, and I was surprised by it. But we certainly wish him well, obviously a tough time for him,” Trump said. “He did a very good job when he was in the White House and we hope he has a wonderful, hopefully, he has a great career ahead of him,” Trump said of Porter and circumstances surrounding his resignation, according to The Hill.
The news was soon after full of comments calling poor Trump to task for his “sympathy for the devil,” as the song by The Rolling Stones goes, and not one mention of Porter’s victims. CNN’s Dana Bash called the display “outrageous,” also reported by The Hill. As always, criticism emboldens Trump, given that he’s incapable of responding to feedback properly like most social animals. So Saturday morning, he Tweeted the following:
Peoples lives are being shattered and destroyed by a mere allegation. Some are true and some are false. Some are old and some are new. There is no recovery for someone falsely accused – life and career are gone. Is there no such thing any longer as Due Process?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 10, 2018
It seems very genuine and not misogynistic when an authoritarian laments a lack of due process, no?
Even geniuses need to guide, to home, to focus their raw, very stable gift sometimes, readers. So, Trump, we’re told, keeps a tuning fork in his desk in the Oval Office. Several times a day, he bangs it on his head, closes his eyes, and rocks from side-to-side listening to mellifluous tone, the quivering vibrations. He then says or does something that completely flies in the face of those.
And: Take a tour around Robert Mueller’s Russia probe offices.
Would You Like Some Whine With Your Victim Complex?
There’s no instrument that creates the soundtrack of an elegiac lamentation like a violin, now is there, readers, particularly all you violin virtuosos? That’s why it’s wailing, frankly, a little whiny, sound is the one Americans most frequentcalllle upon at pity-parties. And that’s just what Trump has had many times for himself and the bias he claims exists in the “Fake News media” against him. the hard-working, disturbingly violent, Golden Boy with a bright future ahead of him. We’re going to guess that, because Trump is a true and utter sociopath, unable to feel sympathy for anyone but himself, he saw a little of himself in Poor Little Porter.
Again, when your emotional responsiveness is so highly trained and in constant use, it can use a little help. To this end, Trump keeps the world’s tiniest violin in his pocket. When he needs to force his cold, hard heart to feel something, he reaches in and gives the teensy bow resting against his upper thight alongside it a tug. And then he gives it another and another, and pretty soon he’s jumping to the defense of Neo-Nazis, abusive husbands, and of course, the most aggrieved human being on the planet: himself. In response to the protests that took place all across the country after his 2016 election, Trump weighed in with his usual, highly eloquent complaint: “Very unfair!” Thanks to the good folks at Variety for this reminder.
Toot! Toot! The Train of Self-Congratulation’s Coming Through
Part of what we love about ol’ Don Jon is his unparalleled ability to pat himself on the back, his emetially effusive ability to heap praise upon himself, and his groan-inducingly bottomless gift for gabbing about his own supposed, well, gifts. We see our white, clogged-artery selves in him, don’t we, dears. So when he smears that praise on thicker than his hair isn’t, we feel so loved–sort of like when a dog you don’t know humps your leg on the street.
The bountiful, onanistic orgy of self-and-only-self love constanly vomited forth by President Pukefest is so plentiful, we actually had a hard time choosing just a few examples. So, we went to his favorite one-way communication platform Twitter and rather randomly present the following:
Thanks to the historic TAX CUTS that I signed into law, your paychecks are going way UP, your taxes are going way DOWN, and America is once again OPEN FOR BUSINESS! pic.twitter.com/GISFbDDGXX
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 5, 2018
Rasmussen just announced that my approval rating jumped to 49%, a far better number than I had in winning the Election, and higher than certain “sacred cows.” Other Trump polls are way up also. So why does the media refuse to write this? Oh well, someday!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 3, 2018
Thank you for all of the nice compliments and reviews on the State of the Union speech. 45.6 million people watched, the highest number in history. @FoxNews beat every other Network, for the first time ever, with 11.7 million people tuning in. Delivered from the heart!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 1, 2018
We’re told this level of delusion–actually making stuff up when you can’t accept the fact that you suck–comes with a little help from a tool Trump keeps on hand pretty much wherever he goes–Hope Hicks carries it for him, usually, they say. It’s a horn, and he toots it whenever the need arises. And it’s a lot! When his shoulders begin to slump and shame rises up in his veins from the defeaning silence resulting from the embarrassment he makes fellow humans feel for being of the same species as him (at least we think he’s human), he snatches this Horn of Hollow Victory from Hope and squeezes and squeezes until he feels all better again. Also: See what products you must have if you’re a bad-ass legislator like Nancy Pelosi.
Noxious Noises
Now, we know you know what to do now that you have the latest on what the leader of our world of oblivious, obnoxious cluelessness does for guidance and inspiration, right fellow right-wingers? Go out and get some of these and advance your self-obsessed life project already! Until next time, our endlessly entertaining readers.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
