Nancy eloelosi has been mixin’ it up in national politics for going on four decades–she’s got some pointers!/Image: ktla.com.
You’ve probably heard by now that Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca.) gave an eight-hour speech on the House floor this week in support of DACA. Most of us at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) are younger than Pelosi and couldn’t imagine doing much of anything for eight hours, But that’s because Nancy. Means. Business. The business of progressive politics, that is! In an effort to learn from her, we at SYRW asked Nancy to put together a collection of items that she’s found useful in her career as D.C. legislator, and now we make those items available to you, our dear readers. Then we can use them for right-wing benefit.
No, you’re not seeing things. This is SYRW and we’re praising the skills of a…*gulp*…Democrat. But Pelosi’s tenacity, temerity, and unflappable work ethic deserve respect from both sides of the aisle.
Political Ninja-Wear
They won’t know you’re coming–or be able to identify you for a police sketch after–but they’ll sure as hell know yo legacy’s gonna live on for a long-ass time afta’ you show up like a political Ninja to a session of the House, tear a bandana off your lower-face, and get to your marathon speech on the floor. Nancy ain’t even playin’ wit blue, red, or none a’ dat mess. It’s straight-up green for sustainability, yo. Yeah, we all about livin’ large past 2025, punk. You gotta a problem with equality for everyone? Take one look Nancy’s  face and you know she ain’t playin.
Eyebrows Make the Legislator
Every woman knows her eyebrows establish her tricky position in a man’s world: Divine knew it, cholas know it, and, yes, Nancy Pelosi knows it. But before drag eyebrows and Latina-gangsta eyebrows, there were Nancy Pelosi eyebrows. They send a subtle message–“I’m feminine and pretty, and I always look surprised.–but I also get stuff done, punks.” They may think your big, orb-like eyes, enhanced by your eyebrow game mean, “I’m oh-so -innocent and pliable.” But that’s only until you’re elected the first woman Speaker of the House and called by democraticleader.gov, “The most powerful woman in American history.” Granted, that’s her personal website, but, still…
Tatted Up and Ready to Vote a Bill Down
If you a gansta in the streets and a serious legilasta on the House floor, you need to dance the subtle dance of mixing white-collar professional style with around-the-way-girl badness. That’s where the Nancy Pelosi Temporary Tattoo Collection comes in.
Did you just kill your first anti-immigrant bill in Congress? Then it’s time for another first: a tatt of a tear. Aw, yeah, boyeeeeeeeeeeee! Paul Ryan gon’ be whimpering your name in his sleep when he see this puppy up underneath your right eye. And he’ll think twice before crossing you on the House floor, too.
Have you been in it to win it in Democratic politics since the early ’60s with no visible signs of wear, tear, or goin’ anywhere, like Nancy? Well, whatchoo waitin’ for–you need to apply Nancy’s “Dem4” tempo-tatt on the knuckles of your right hand and her “Lyfe” tempo-tatt on the left. What better wordless way to say, “Don’t even mess with my Democratic credentials, punks–back da House-Finance-Reform-Committeemitte up!” by throwin’ these up in Republican colleague’s face.
Are you an old-school, 60s forward-thinker? Then Nancy’s “OG Progressive” temporary-tattoo in that gangsta font applied in an arc is perfect for your upper chest area. And if you’re like Nancy, 100 percent Sicilian and not messin’ around send us your ancestry.com report, and we’ll throw in a copy of Celebrate Like an Italian by Lidia Bastianich with a foreword written by Ms. Little Italy of Baltimore born-and-raised, Nancy herself. Ciao, Bella!
And: Take a trip with us through the stormy seas of Internet dis/misinformation.
Trump’s Unfit for Office, Pelosi’s Fit as a Fiddle for Office
Do you have a bangin’ body and wanna show it off because a woman can be powerful and pretty too? Then one of Nancy’s fitted suit jackets is for you. Cinched at the waist to highlight your killer physique, it’ll make quite a statement. And that statement is, “Yeah, I know I’m hot, but it’s not my hotness you’ll be thinking about after I get my majority whip to keep you in line, fool!”
If you’re Made Material (i.e., 100 percent Sicilian) and don’t have time for games, get a Nancy Pelosi suit jacket and let them know you’re good with cement, too–but not in shoes, in sturdy infrastructure to support the nation’s working communities.
The Nancy Pelosi Grill
Have you been feasting on the barely-there brains of candy-ass Republican dude Congressmen for upwards of 40 years? If you’ve not had time to worry about dental hygiene–or even really given a shizz, ‘cuz you got issues of national importance on your mind–then you’ve probably needed to get some fillings. But if you just wanna cut to the chase, get an entire row of teeth removed, and call it a day, you need the Nancy Pelosi Democratic Congresswoman grill. You’ll look delicate and lady-like until you lay Mitch McConnell’s ass out, knock him to the ground, and smile this jarring row of gold teeth in his face.
Tories and Whigs
A no-nonsense woman legislator needs hair of a certain kind. You want to send the message that, yes, your hair is put-together, neat, and even stylishly turned under at the ends. But you also want it to have a hair-sprayed, helmet-like quality, pushed back from the face. The comely cutie look comes second to serious lawmaker look. Well, now that’s an option for any woman on Capitol Hill with the Nancy Pelosi wig, styled just like you-know-who’s.
And With That…
Pelosi out!
Also: The latest in true crime–How Democracies by Steven Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt.
But Wait: Bonus Gift If You Order Now–Nancy Pelosi Brass Knuckles
Imagine you’re sitting on a House panel, waiting your turn to question a witness in a hearing that will affect legislation you and your colleagues are set to vote on later that day or week. Well, when you adjust your mic, flashing a set of Nancy’s brass knuckles, you’ll convey to  that witness that she better remember she’s they’re talking to, under oath, no less–and that you can meet her outside in the parking lot after the hearing if need be…to make sure she understood where you were coming from in your questions, of course! Or, you’re talking to some Alpha male Republican colleague, and you quietly lift your coffee cup up to take a sip, you simply must have a set of these on, as they come with our Make-Em-Stutter Guarantee. Or your money back!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
