Practicing Radical Honesty™, you’re required to speak your truth at all times. So, for example, you might say in a situation like the one pictured above:”Your limp grip and clammy palm make me sick.”/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, Michael Petrov.
Salutary and Salubrious Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
How are you? How has looking inward to examine your right-wing ideals and then using the insight that helped you gain been helping you inflict those Alt-principles on the world this past week? Yeah, we don’t actually care. Please stop articulating your answer now. We’re glad you shut up.
That, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers, is an example of the hottest trend in psychological health, spearheaded by the SYRW Wellness department, which consists of people dedicated to making stuff up so they can get paid for doing something, even though they really don’t have anything new to offer the world in terms of psychological health: Radical Honesty™. Reminder: that trademark symbol means that every time you make use of this concept, you’re required by law to send us a check for $50. Please make it payable to Spread Your Right Wings, LLC. Actually, no “please”–just do it.
The Inspiration: Of Course, The Donald Himself
President Donald J. Trump is so stupid and out of control, he simply can’t refrain from being his buffoon self, and this inspired us. Sometimes he and those around him make perfunctory attempts at decorum, seemliness, and adhering to social mores. Of course, that doesn’t do much to advance Trump and Team Trump’s personal agendas, now does it? So at other times, because Don Jon is basically a caveman toddler in a suit with a weird hairdo, and because the personal stakes are too high for him for his handlers to bother with silly matters of ceremony everyone throws in the towel and calls a spade a spade. What a beautiful way to say, “I’m me. Eff you”
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An example of this came on Tuesday, when The New York Times reported the following: “Lawyers for President Trump have advised him against sitting down for a wide-ranging interview with the special counsel, Robert S. Mueller III, according to four people briefed on the matter…His lawyers are concerned that the president, who has a history of making false statements and contradicting himself, could be charged with lying to investigators,” according to reporters Micael S. Schmidt and Maggie Haberman.
Essentially, President Trump’s lawyers are positing that he must avoid a face-to-face interview with Robert Muelle because he can’t be relied on to behave like a non-deranged person and just answer some goddamn questions. Talk about lettin’ it all hang out! No pretenses or masks–just TRUMP–what’re you gonna do about it? This inspired us, truly inspired us. Life, lived unshackled by the chains of….well, anything.
The Principles of Radical Honesty™
Below we review the foundational concepts behind this brave new approach that SYRW pioneered five minutes after reading the above news story. It is nothing more than a brand new approach to living life in its most raw, uncensored, authentic-in-a-weird-way form. It’s your new approach to self-coddling, debased human relations, and cultural decay. Whoopee!
One: You are who you are, and everybody else can go jump in a lake.
Two: You will not let anything get in the way of being you.
Three: You will say what you feel and think in a blunt, almost legal, monotone at all times.
How to Practice Radical Honesty™
Let’s go over some situations you might find yourself on any given Alt-day and how you can approach them with Radical Honesty™.
Sample Situation One
You’re sharing a friendly meal with an old pal. That pal says, “I had the weirdest dream last night.”
Oh, hell no! This is the ideal situation in which to practice Radical Honesty™,
You say, “Pal, I don’t want to hear you recite what happened in your dream. It’s boring nonsense, Don’t tell me.” Easy and fun as heck, no, readers? A real time-saver too, right? Research has shown that everybody hates listening to other people’s rambling, meaningless dream recitals, yet Americans spend 260 trillion minutes each year doing it. No more, with Radical Honesty™!
And: Some inspiring design ideas for the white-collar prison cell.
Sample Situation Two
Your spouse prances in the front door of your home sporting a new haircut, a confident happy spring in his/her step.
You look him/her dead in the eyes and say, “I hate your hair. You look ugly. I expect you to fix it.”
You’re not going to let some silly thing like politeness oe not being an asshole get in the way of your Radically Honest™ life adventure, are you? The answer is, “No, no, no! Never again!”
In a longitudinal, double-blind, placebo-controlled study, researchers at Trump University found that subjects found telling the unvarnished truth at all times took less energy and helped them express long-simmering resentments 50 percent of the time when they practiced Radical Honesty™,
Sample Situation Three
You bump into an acquaintance at the market–super not financial. The acquaintance makes small talk and asks you how you’re doing.
You say, flatly and loudly, “I’m bad. I had a bout of painful diarrhea this morning, and then all day at work I thought about how much I hated my job. And just to be clear, I don’t want to know how you are. Not at all.”
Hey, you asked! If you didn’t want to hear the truth, you shouldn’t have expressed an interest in my life, now should you have?
“This isn’t rocket science. Just say what you want,” noted Dr. S. Y. R. Wings, the founder of Radical Honesty, He wasn’t very good at the career path he chose, so he agreed to partner with us to concoct a misled, foolish approach to self-satisfaction, inspired by the President’s clumsy, dumb-ass behavior. See–Radically Honest™ right there!
How You Know It’s Working
“The best part about Radical Honesty™,” said Dr. S.Y.R. Wings, “is that the benefits are precise and measurable.” From day one, you’ll notice people don’t want to be around you as much–from one to two relationships of yours will whither up per day, you’ll develop one skin-related stress condition each month, and you’ll have three to four fewer job prospects each year!”
“Keep a journal to track your progress, or download our app to meet others involved in this horrific idea and make it almost like a video game to participate,” Dr. Wings said.
After the immediate gratification of saying exactly what you feel like saying, you’ll be flooded with a panicked sense of loneliness and the subsequent rushing of warm blood to your face and even warmer tears to your eyes, Dr. Wings noted. Congratulations–it’s working.
Within two weeks, you’ll notice the unmistakable sense that you’re slowly, but very actively, dying from the loneliness caused by your degraded, debased interpersonal relations. But you did it your way, as Frank Sinatra sang so honestly and toe-tappingly sang in his 1960s classic, “My Way,”
Also: See the drastic measures WH staff are going to to manage the boss–and make a buck!
“You’re welcome in advance,” sneered Dr. Wings. Yes, we agree: you’re very welcome.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
