Our ideals may be old and tired, but that doesn’t mean our skin has to look it!/Image: Licensed Adobe stock, iQoncept.
Ciao Bella, Conservative Cuties! Have you not sipped from that famed source Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon was looking for when he “found” Floria because you didn’t want to venture out to where there are too many Hispanics? Our racist, cold, dead hearts go out to you. Imagine trying to get direction in South Florida–you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who speaks English. Well, don’t feel like you have to look on the outside as withered and decrepit as your right-wing soul is on the inside! We got the low-down on all the latest procedures and products to help you mask the reality that you’re living as if it were pre-1865 and you’ve got the backward values to prove it. Pull your chair up to a vanity table and read on Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers.
Pain Makes You Beautiful
So sang 1980s/1990s alternative rock band, The Judy Bats. If only they knew what lay ahead in The Era of Botox! But Botox is just the beginning. There are many more injectables and pharmaceutical-grade tinctures that can turn your limp and wrinkly right-wing skin to pliable and smooth in a matter of days, at the most.
Related: Join us on a road trip just for Trumpers–a trip to Egotown!
Brilliantly Botox
Botox, which you’ve no doubt heard of and seen on frightful display on Fox News, was the first in a new crop of injectable anti-wrinkle treatments. It was approved for use by the Deep State FDA, no doubt after a long battle with Democrats who wanted to curtail your freedom to do what you please, in 2002.
Botox “is made from a neurotoxin called botulinum toxin that is produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum,” according to the good folks at Medical News Today. In addition to smoothing out wrinkles, Botox can help you hide the frown that spreads over your face when someone wishes you an inclusive “Happy Holidays” instead of openly Christian “Merry Christmas. It can help your lips from pursing in anger when you see or hear that whiny refrain #metoo. And it can even prevent your eyes from shrinking into a malevolent slit when you see some liberals on the street corner screaming about how black lives matter. Fooled by that eerie-smooth facial veneer, the liberals won’t know the furious, hateful, xenophobic bigot that lies below!
Juvederm Can Make Your Skin Juvenile, Like Your Intellectual Capabilities
Underneath the product name Juvederm fall five types of hyaluronic acid fillers, as told by the lovely folks at the official Juvederm website. They are injected into fine lines, cheeks, and lips, These areas then become as plump, full, dare-we-say, come-hither. Your face will say, “I’m healthy and young, even as what lies inside you is bigoted and retrograde.
Again, always good to keep them Liberals, progressives, and Democrats unaware of what’s coming, so they won’t see the next attack on our shared culture before it hits ’em, be it a Neo-Nazi rally, an abolishment of regulations meant to keep consumers safe, or the stripping away of safeguards against the corporate plundering of the environment.
Dermabrasion Nation
“Dermabrasion and dermaplaning help to ‘refinish’ the skin’s top layers through a method of controlled surgical scraping. The treatments soften the sharp edges of surface irregularities, giving the skin a smoother appearance,” as told by The American Society of Plastic Surgeons
And: The latest in true crime non-fiction: How Democracies Die by Levitsky and Ziblatt.
The two aforementioned procedures can truly make your skin look and feel as smooth as a baby’s bottom. See–if we didn’t oppose abortion, there would be fewer babies bottoms for us to compare our facial skin to. That’s another reason to restrict women’s access to abortion and general gynecological health care.
Retinol Restructuring
The use of retinols in skincare is nothing short of a revolution, akin to the faux-populist revolution that Trump ushered in with his rise to power. However, the retinol revolution is legitimate and in the service of what people want, younger-looking skin. Trump’s “revolution,” is an appeal to populism but is actually even more political cronyism and corruption than he claimed to want to “drain the swamp” of, with a heaping, daily dose of democratic-norm-violation thrown in for good measure.
Retinol is actually a substance that will be familiar to you: Vitamin A! Yes, the old nutrient found in carrots and all yellow vegetable. In doses that run from slightly to highly toxic to the skin, depending on the product you use, they speed up cell turnover rate, “stimulate the production of new skin cells, and reduce brown spots and pigmentation, reports Style Caster.
You’ll have to talk to a dermatologist about whether an over-the-counter or prescription retinol formulation is the right choice for your Alt-skincare needs. Either way, we can confidently say that a nightly application of a retinol product will have your skin looking as sleek and smooth as Jared Kushner’s. Although he got that complexion from never having a problem in his life–until now, that is.
In Our Alt-Case Beauty Really Is Only Skin Deep
Now, let us warn you, SYRW readers. You’re going to be so hot, sexy, and youthful after availing yourself of even one of these treatments, you’re going to have a hard time tearing yourself away from that vanity table with its front-row view of the most important, significant, beautiful person in the world: Alt-you. But you must tear yourself away, nevertheless! Women and minorities aren’t going to push themselves back into a time before they’d begun to secure basic human rights! And the wise, right-thinking people who want President Trump exiled to Jupiter might gain ground while you, understandably, primp and preen in front of the looking glass. But you need to get out there and look beautiful–but behave ugly!
Also: 7 Wellness lessons in lying to the most important person in the world–you!
“One must suffer to be beautiful,” goes an old French proverb. Be that as it may, the above procedures and products we’ve apprised you of will only make you suffer just so. They’ll stop short of suffering to the point that you’ll have to start a Tea Party movement and later elect Donald Trump to be president because your poor economic prospects and cultural alienation make you want to tear it all down, tear the country all down. We’ve already begun doing that, haven’t we dear SYRW readers?
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
