Distracting, irrelevant memos aren’t just for Congress–they’re for anyone who runs afoul of the law!/Licensed Adobe stock, davidsonlentz
How are we doing, my questioning, conservative readers? It’s been quite a wonderful Alt-week since we last met, hasn’t it? Our right-wing desire to “tear it all down” because we felt unheard in the national political scene is going rather well. Democracy is dying a slow death, as it has been since last January when President Trump took office. The Nunes Memo is the latest step in that direction, as it’s part of Trump’s slow Saturday Night Massacre to discredit the Muller Probe.
I also received a letter from a reader who needed my fake-social-worker advice. Read on!
Dear Kaylee,
I live in the Mid-Atlantic of the greatest country in the world–well, it will be great again if the Liberals would let President Donald Trump make it so–the United States of America. I was driving down a residential road at the speed limit. I was listening to Rush Limbaugh’s erudite and subtly-argued points, many on the concept of MAGA, on his radio talk show, “The Rush Limbaugh Show.” I had to call in, and I had to do it right then, to spout my uninformed views. So I picked up my cell phone. The Deep State in the form of a police officer’s flashing lights indicated that I needed to pull over. I got a ticket for holding my phone while driving! Can you believe it? My question for you is this: should I go to court and make an argument about why I shouldn’t have to pay the fine (I won’t get any points on my driving record) even though I was totally in the wrong, or should I just pay it?
Answer-Hungry in Annapolis
Related: New species of insect discovered in WH lawn–The Nunes!
Dear Answer-Hungry,
I’m so glad you wrote to me! It had been a whole six days since I had given someone bad advice based on advancing of the right-wing agenda rather than what would be best for him/her!
In their just-released and must-read book, How Democracies Die, authors Stephen Levitsky and Daniel Ziblatt note that contemporary authoritarians rarely attempt a dramatic, one fell swoop, Beer Hall Putsch-like coup. Instead, they’re elected to power and slowly, excruciatingly murder democracy from the inside. One example of this slow murder that we’re witnessing every day as Alt-Americans, people who can’t stop crowing about how much we love this country, what patriots we are, and how we live in the greatest country in the world, is President Donald Trump’s degradation of political and civic norms to prop up his pathetic ego, which, luckily for all of us, is attached to the fate of our country. The federal government is rotting from the inside out–you know, the one that serves this country we claim to love so much. The latest–but not the last–example of Trump’s day by day depradation of democratic norms on the road to authoritarianism is the Nunes Memo alleging anti-Trump political bias at the FBI, which Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Ca.) drafted to set the scene for a discrediting of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into whether Trump or his campaign colluded with Russia to get him elected.
As your friend, Answer-Hungry, I went and did some digging for you. And now, we can draft our own Kaylee Memo and get you out of having to face justice for a crime you totally committed! The officer who pulled you over was named Officer Jim Komee. An extensive search on the Dark Web revealed that his mother’s neighbor, Mr. Andy McKaybe, once held a fundraiser for a Democrat running for a seat on the Annapolis City Council at her house. Hello–BIAS! You got this ticket not because you clearly broke the law and endangered people’s lives, but because of political bias against you for being a Republican.
“A lot of people should be ashamed of themselves,” for this travesty of injustice, as President Trump noted about the with hunt he is the subject of, the poor martyr. Ofc. Komee, is “a disgrace.” He was obviously out to get you for being a Republican, as evidenced by the fact that his mother’s neighbor is a Democrat! Clearly, you got this ticket because the Dems are gunning for you, not because you violated the law, which, again, you did and should take responsibility for it, but because you’re an Alt-righter!
When you go to court and begin to make your case for not having to pay this ticket, whip out your memo and submit it to the judge. But, you should also verbally make the point. You must remember, your goal isn’t to make an actual, cogent, convincing argument, but to distract, bore, and be difficult to follow, as New York Times columnist David Leonhardt noted many, like writer Michelle Goldberg have observed Trump is doing by trying to muddy the Mueller Probe waters. You may find that on old-fashioned pocket watch on a chain swung from side-to-side as you speak assists you in your stultifying efforts.
And: Whip up a batch of Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News Nincompoop Kool-Aid.
Base your Kaylee Memo on the Nunes Memo, which you can see in its entirety here, courtesy of CNN. If you can read this mess and manage not to gouge your eyes out just for something to do, I admire you.
Remember a time when Republicans and the right wing, in general, would jump to the defense of law-enforcement, even as recently as when we said the Black Lives Matter was anti-police? Well, with the Nunes Memo and the upcoming Kaylee Memo, we’ll have proven ourselves to be moral cowards and frauds all this time. We just support whatever is expedient for Trump and ourselves.
Won’t You Join Me In a Legal Sidestep?
That’s what we should all do in our personal lives any time we come in contact with a government body or an attempt by the law to curtail our self-involved life project, despite the fact that we were probably being punished for doing something that was against the civic good and the criminal code. Who cares! We’ve got our egos and our tribes to coddle! In doing so, we will support President Donald Trump’s I-Me-Mine politics, and, of course, help the most important, important person in the world: you.
Also: Join us on a cruise through the tricky seas of Internet dis/misinformation.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
