Yes, this man has written a book for wee ones./Image: Donald Trump Quotes.
A lot of people you might not expect to have authored children’s books have, in fact, put pen to paper in pursuit of teaching and entertaining children–and making a little do-re-mi, because, well, what would the American experience be without a little financial windfall attached to everything we do? Some famous faces who’ve written a text for the pacifier set include: Madonna, Will Smith, and Jay Leno.
It won’t surprise you to learn, perhaps, that President Donald Trump and the man who lives deep inside his colon, Representative Devin Nunes, just co-authored a title for the wee ones. We have the exclusive dish on that Trump-Nunes project, so read on!
Cookie Monsters
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One of Trump’s current favorite books is If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, which is written by Laura Numeroff with illustrations by Felicia Bond. This book took the lego-loving literary world by storm when it was first published in 1985. Since then, a veritable cottage industry has popped up around it of parents, children, writers, artists, cultural commentators, and others attempting to pinpoint that lasting appeal and fervent devotion Cookie has seen. Some say it’s about teaching children limits, that the mouse’s endless demands impart the lesson that one must nip things in the bud at some point if they get out of control. Others say it’s about charity, and because the young boy who continues to acquiesce to the mouse’s demands, he’s demonstrating that our hearts should never be closed off to the act of giving without hesitation. Still others say both these analysts are overthinking it, and the Numeroff and Bond’s enduring classic is simply a charmingly drawn one that takes advantage of the way that repetitive storytelling appeals to the young.
Whichever explanation you favor–or another one–we knew all you Alt-book lovers out there would be keen to know that it’s one of Trump’s simply loves to have this book read to him every night by none other than General John Kelly. And, he and his bromance buddy, Nunes based their own upcoming publication on it. It’s called, “If You Give a Trump a Presidency,” and I Michiko Conservatani, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) very own book reviewer sat down with these two in-demand conservatives to talk about their first foray into author-hood.
Two Scoops of Self-Promotion
The three of us met at Coldheart Coldstone Creamery on Pennsylvania Avenue, an ice cream joint just down the street from the White House and favored by the D.C. Republican set with a sweet tooth.
“This book is huge, It’s getting great ratings. It’s the biggest-selling book by a president of all time. It’s much more popular than any of the books Barack Obama wrote,” said President Trump, before any of us had removed our coats.
I reminded the president that the book hadn’t been released. He looked away with a dismissive wave of his hand.
“I think what the President means is that he hopes it will break sales records upon its release
I asked Trump and Nunes what gave them the idea to write a children’s book, and why they modeled it after Cookie.
“When I’m would walk by Ivanka and Jared’s kids, you know–ignoring them on the way to the TV or a mirror– I sometimes noticed they had piles of these things next to them. One day I asked Devin what the things were, and he said, ‘Children’s books, sir.’ I loved them. Loved them. And If You Give a Mouse a Cookie became my absolute favorite. Something about it just spoke to me,”
Nunes looked at his boss for a visual cue as to when to chime in. None came, so as Trump checked his phone, the Congressman added, “The president and I are both keenly aware of the delicate nature of the responsibilities and obligations–but also the privileges–that come with a job in public service as weighty as this one, despite how our careless, boorish behavior may make it seem. We know that one can just want more, more, more power, and…”
And: Pull up a plate at the salad bar of truth to serve up a what-suits-you version of reality.
No, No, Nunes
Just then, Trump shot Nunes a look, and the Devster stopped talking.
“…right, and we understand that whatever the mouse–or the president– want he should be given it. People should keep giving, and giving, and giving and giving, no matter what the mouse–or, again, the president–demands,” Trump added.
I nodded, and Nunes looked down at his shoes.
“Like, if I ask for Congress and the legal branch of the government to be abolished, I should be granted that request. And if I ask for total dictatorial control of the nation, I should be given that,” Trump said, gesticulating aggressively.
“Of course, we did also want to say…” Nunes attempted to chime in.
“We also wanted to say, I’m adorable and lovable, just like the mouse in that Laura lady’s original book, so there was no other choice for a book to base my book on. And even though I could have come up with my own original story, why bother when there are so many already out there? Besides, I have world leaders to offend, conspiracy theories to peddle, and federal agencies to debilitate, I can’t be wasting my time, like, thinking, and then recording those thoughts.
Memos and Messages
“We actually found, in working together on what’s now known as the Nunes Memo, that we have a great creative bond, and we wanted to see what we could do with that,” Nunes said.
I asked them what life-lesson, if any, the authors hoped to convey to kids who read this book or have it read to them.
“I’m cute. Give me stuff,” Trump said with a creepy grin.
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“Yeah–that!” Nunes added.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
