The real story of the SOTU 2018 is what happened after President Trump’s empty, braindead speech./Image: ABC News.
Hey, Readers! It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, with some seriously juicy right-wing gossip for you. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
I’m sure you saw the eloquent, almost lyrical, presentation of Trump’s version of the truth known as The State of the Union Address last night. My Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers and Alt-Chatty Cathy’s wouldn’t miss a word of St. Trump’s silver-tongued take on the latest in His America.
That’s all well and good, dear readers. But I simply must dish with you on what took place after the address, as the attendees filtered out like suicidal lemmings: a 12-Step Meeting! Yes, that’s right, like Alcoholics Anonymous. But these Republican politicians are happy they’re addicted to Trump and convened to celebrate it. Still, they based the meeting on the 12-step-model, adding their own jovial twist to it.
A New Spin on an Old Issue
My very connected D.C. insider sources tell me Congressional that when Republicans left the House chamber where President Trump gave his Address, they made a beeline for Vice President Mike Pence’s office. There they had a meeting of Trump Lackey’s Non-Anonymous.
They all sat quietly there as the Veep handed out the meeting-opening literature read before every 12-step meeting, but it was to reflect these folks’ glee at being so far up Trump’s derriere a proctologist’s camera couldn’t find them.
Paul Ryan (R-Wi.) read the Twelve Steps of this, the first meeting of the Trump Lackeys Non-Anonymous meeting, One of my sources snapped a pic on her cell phone for me, and even I, who love Trump couldn’t believe the high these addicts had achieved! I’ve linked here Bill Wilson’s original 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, for which I thank the good folks at recovery.org, and then I’ve included the text of both below, so you can compare and contrast the two.
Related: Step up to the salad bar of truth and pick and choose what you want to Alt-see!
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Trump Lackeys Non-Anonymous
- 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
- 1. We admitted we were powerless over Donald Trump, that our lives had become unimaginable–in a good way.
2 Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
2. Came to believe a power greater than ourselves–Trump–could keep us wealthy and powerful and in the pubic eye.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood him.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Trump as we understood him–rich, white dude; testosterone-addled father figure; white nationalist hero; Stalin 2.0; Putin’s lapdog, et. al.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
4. Made a shallow, venal immoral inventory of ourselves and felt proud that we were such reprobate human beings.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
5. Boasted to Trump, ourselves, and another human being about the exact nature of our wrongs committed in service of Trump and high-fived with that other human being.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
6. Were entirely ready to have Trump remove all the virtuous aspects of our character, if any remained.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our consciences, that we might better serve him with a willingness to say or do anything necessary to see that this deficient man succeeds.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and laughed at that list, and then made another list of all the persons we still have to harm in the advancement of Trump’s cause–his ego, his coffers, and his perception that he’s winning.
9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
9. Made direct attacks on such people whenever possible, especially when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
10. Continued to take others’ personal inventory, and whether we found them to be right or wrong, attacked them for being disloyal to Trump.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out
11. Sought through Fox News appearances and loudly delivered speeches in Congress to improve our conscious advancement of the Trump philosophy, as we only want to know Trump’s will for us and to have the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and practice these principles in all our affairs.
12. Having had a spiritual decaying as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to Trump loyalists, and practice these principles in all our affairs, extra-marital or otherwise.
Devilish Devin
You probably thought this wild list of steps was as loopy as it got, but wait until you hear what meeting attendees shared. The meeting was non-anonymous, of course, so Bubbles here is free to do what she does best: tattle on the D.C. in-crowd.
Devin Nunes (R-Calif.) spoke first: “Hi, I’m Devin, and I’m a Trump Lackey.” The rest responded cheerfully, “Hi, Devin.”
“I just wanted to say that I’ve sold my soul to Trump….and I like it! He’s promised me stuff, and promised not to reveal stuff about me, if I take the reins on sinking Mueller’s probe. And it’s working!
“Thanks for sharing,” a number of those present said out of unison.
Kelly’s a Little Jelly?
White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly spoke next, one of my sources tells me, and he seemed a little possessive over Trump, as if he wanted everyone to know he was the most lackey-ish of all the attendant lackeys.
“Hi, I’m General John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff, and I’m a Trump lackey
“Hi, General John Kelly, White House Chief of Staff,” the rest greeted him sounding a little annoyed already.
“Well, I think,” Kelly continued with my daily, close contact with President Trump, and the way I’ve morphed in the public eye from the good guy who was going to contain Trump to just another apologist and Trump bandwagon-jumper speaks volumes about my low character and utter selling-out to Trumpism. And that’s really what this program is all about.”
He looked up, at the rest of the meeting attendees and then scowled at them with his eyebrows arched aggressively.
“Thanks for sharing…sharing…thanks,” came a few lackluster, desultory responses.
Audible–and Visible–Shock
And then, a surprise guest entered, media mogul and owner of Fox News, which is now Trump’s full-time mouthpiece, Rupert Murdoch! Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell had a fangirl moment and began jumping up and down and clapping as Murdoch’s wife, Wendi Deng, escorted the 86-year-old conservative icon to a seat.
In a creaky, raspy voice, another source with knowledge of the meeting tells me, Murdoch said, “Hi, I’m Rupert, and I’m a Trump Lackey.”
“Hi, Rupert,” the crowd returned.
“I’ve turned,” Murdoch went on, “an entire cable news network that I own over to spouting Trump propaganda 24-hours-a-day. I win!”
And: Join us on a trip through the rocky seas of Internet dis/misinformation.
Most meeting attendees laughed and clapped at this spry, spunky comment, except the perpetually-over-it Gen. Kelly, who sighed loudly and offered a couple perfunctory claps.
I Need to Process
So, dear SYRW readers and Chatty Cathys, this is like almost a cult now. I guess that explains why all these people are willing to forfeit any chance at a future, as they’ll have to fade into cultural irrelevance when the Trump era ends. On the other hand, I have a little FOMO. I’ll make sure I get to the next meeting–I do belong there, after all–and give you even more dirt on all that Alt-happens.
Until next time, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
Also: Tips on how to convince yourself of anything your right-wing self needs to believe.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
