Whiners–anyone who doesn’t belong to our tribe who wants basic human rights is a whiner./Image: Licensed Dreamstime stock.
Hello, Alt-design buffs!
As always, we here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) are looking for ways to help you bring your home design choices in line with your hideous, Alt-ideals. One of those ideals is telling everyone who isn’t you or part of your perceived tribe to shut up about those basic human rights they’re crowing about securing lately.
It’s enough, already, with the voices of blacks, women, the LGBTQ, Native Americans, Hispanics, the differently-abled, Muslims demanding we stop oppressing them. They’ve been at the bottom of the societal totem pole for years, and we didn’t notice anything wrong, so how could it have been? It’s almost as if they’re trying to say there are other lives that matter besides ours. So insolent!
Well, we have some design guidelines to help you reestablish the eerie, oppressive quiet that reined for years in the U.S.A., and is having a resurgence as President Donald Trump puts some right-wing duct tape over the mouths of marginalized groups who were beginning to have a voice under President Barack Obama. Quiet down, everybody–except us.
Related: Comes with us on a trip through the dangerous seas of Internet dis/misinformation.
No Whining
Remember that graphic that obnoxious high school teachers would have in their offices of the word “Whining” within a red circle with a big red line running diagonally across it? Don’t you just want to say that to those in-your-face gays, Jews in yarmulkes, and more? We need to be heard, too, after all. Forget that we have been heard since the dawn of time and, by collective societal assumption, always are, and can still be heard very, very loudly. It’s just that others want a voice too. But forget that! Remember one of our gurus, Tomi Lahren, who is emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually an infant with no life experience nor any challenges to inform her vociferous presence in public discourse, but who will always be given a voice because she’s white (orange), blonde, and sexualizes herself to appeal to men? She and her ex-employers, Great America Alliance, wisely and sensitively pointed out that people who protest and speak out against the alt-community are the “the largest group of whiners this country has ever seen.”
So, what do you do to someone having a tantrum? Suppress their voices.
One way you can do this is to install sound-blocking doors in your home. A man’s home is his castle, cleaned by an undocumented woman,. He can’t have the voices of the oppressed messing up his neat, tidy life experience. As the good folks at Home Tips point out, the largest noise-entryway in any home are its doors, so follow the instructions by those home experts to prevent the noises of rights-demanders from penetrating your the portals into your domicile.
Make America Silent Again
In the 1980s, the gay rights/AIDS awareness group ACT UP had a slogan, “Silence = Death.” Let’s hope, conservatives! If we can just shut these people up, like the entire #metoo movement, with any luck they’ll whither up and go away. Then we can go back to being the ones getting all the attention and resources.
Now, a certain movement called Take a Knee manages to make an unnecessary, and frankly, rude, ruckus without saying a word. When Colin Kaepernick started kneeling at football games as the national anthem was played to protest injustices against black Americans, boy, did we on the right lay into him. And rightly so! As many on the right, like ex-Congressman Joe Walsh, have pointed out, he should be grateful for all he has, and that he doesn’t have it worse. Uppity much? All the rights he and other blacks have today were won by people shutting up and doing what they’re told, moreover. It’s disrespectful to the flag to kneel during the anthem, while shooting black people in the street is the height of considerate deference.
Another thing you can do to close the door on rights for everyone is to weatherstrip your interior doors. A good deal of the sound from people demanding to be heard that’s so very unpleasant is to us is coming from around the doors, not through them. So, as Home Tips, instructs us, get some weatherstripping tape and seal those interior doors, i.e., hire a poor person in the Home Depot parking lot to do it.
And: Whip up a batch of Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News-Nincompoop Kool-Aid.
Silence, Cultural Doormat!
Sometimes when you walk on top of someone they make a noise, like a #metoo woman who must be lying about being raped because she’s not pretty enough to be brutalized, as Babe notes some have said in response to the cultural reckoning of women speaking up en masse about sexual assault.
You can make these annoying complainers can it too, SYRW readers.–and also silence your squeaky floors. Follow the directions on Home Tips to make these pesky noises on your floorboards a thing of the past. And refuse to listen when a woman says she’s been raped. Sorry, human floor-board–got other stuff to do!
The Big, Bad World
Now, when you’re out and about, you don’t have the luxury of being in your own personal, conservative Safe Space. Well, there ain’t nothing wrong with a pair of earplugs to block out that Resistance protest of President Donald Trump’s latest hideous act in office. Rub them together between your palms, pull an earlobe down, and insert away! Repeat this process for your other ear. And then go about your day like a good, right-wing solipsist.
When you come home, remove those babies, shut out the world of oppressed people, crack open a beer, and kick up your feet, tired as they must be from having to trod over the noisy “others” who want basic human rights.
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
