Pick a little, eat a little, pick a little, eat a little–munch, munch, munch–eat a lot, pick a little more–ya’ know, like the song from, “The Music Man.”/Image: Licensed Shutterstock stock, antpkr.
Good Day, Tasty Traditionalists! We needn’t remind you, but we shall anyway, that this is the Trump Era. We get to experience so much new, fun stuff that was just a no-no during the rights-obsessed regime of Obama, and also: Hillary’s emails. For just a few fantabulously tasty examples, we can make a KKKasserole, Melvanka 2-ingredient Omelette of Indifference, or some Seb Gorka Pulled Pork-a of Xenophobia. It’s our choice! And so is something that used to, by definition, be one thing, but now is potentially as many as there are people on the planet: the “truth.” It’s the salad bar approach to reality, knowledge, and facts. You pick and choose what suits you. The New Truth is usually in service of The Right Wing Narrative, which right now is Trump, Trump, Trump. So grab some bowls let’s chow.
We like to keep our salad’s at three ingredients, plus a dressing. We admit it, we here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) are fans of gustatorily yummy grub, we like to be able to savor individual tastes or a simple concert of tastes. But your Truth Tastiness is up to you– it’s yours, after all.
John Kelly Kale
Kale is always a good ingredient to use as a base, if you will, for a salad of the truth you want to believe. Heap it on, as this superfood is full of nutrients and fiber. And General John Kelly’s full of lies, flat out ones.
For example, he made up a story about Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-Fla.). Just made it up! This is a great example for us on the right wing for two reasons. 1) It shows you just pull facts out of thin air as it suits you and b) when your error and thus unjustified attack on someone based on it is pointed out, you say you won’t apologize. Smart and mature!
“When defending Trump in the wake of the feud, Gen. Kelly claimed Wilson had boasted of securing “$20 million” in federal funding to build a new FBI field office in Miami during the dedication ceremony for the building in 2015,” reported CNN. “But a Sun Sentinel video of the building dedication ceremony confirmed that she had not taken credit for the building’s funding.”
Kelly’s response was yummy!
“Asked Monday if he felt like he needed to apologize for his comments about Wilson, Kelly said, “Oh, no. No. Never. Well, I’ll apologize if I need to. But for something like that, absolutely not. I stand by my comments,” according to CNN.
Conway’s Carrots
The original, giggling liar herself! Heap on the carrots in shredded form, stalks, whatever suits your fancy. Remember: this is all about you and what you want or need to believe to confirm your biases as a right-wing nut job and stroke your narcissistic ego. You’re the master of your own mind–you don’t need some coastal, cosmopolitan elitist, much better educated and qualified though she may be, telling you what to think!
And: Avast Ye! Navigating the tricky waters of the sea of disinformation on the Internet.
Last January, Chuck Todd, on his MSNBC show Meet the Press, asked Kellyanne Conway why then-White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer had said something “demonstrably false.” Conway said he was presenting, “alternative facts.” Right! That’s why we love KCon–her way with words and delicious Vitamin C-rich lies.
After backlash from members of the press and on social media from her comment, Conway “clarified,” i.e., doubled-down, by saying, “alternative facts” meant, “additional facts and alternative information.” Again, never, ever, ever admit you’re wrong.
You know how we call liberals snowflakes? Well, the truth is we’re the fragile ones, refusing to budge, even when everyone knows we’re wrong, because admitting we’re wrong would hurt our thumb-sucking egos. So down with society, instead!
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Sprouts
Now, this one has taken lying, misleading, avoiding, jargon, spin, and all the other things that exist in opposition to the truth and made it a daily exercise in shameful shenanigans. But a tasty one, because fresh veggies are oh-so-good, and so is a fresh take on the truth, as it changes frequently based on what’s best to believe on any particular day.
When The View co-host Joy Behar pointed out a Politico analysis of President Donald Trump’s utterances and found that he tells the truth only 5 percent of the time, Sanders had an mmm-mmm-good response.
“I completely disagree with the fact that what you’re saying is only 5 percent of that is true,” Sanders said. “I know that is simply not accurate and I think that’s one of the dangers we have right now is pushing so many false narratives every day, creating false perceptions about the president. I think America should want him to succeed. He is the president, whether they voted for him or not, and I think we have to get behind him.”
Also: Here’s how to persuade a local politician to hop on board the Trump Train.
Authoritarian Vinaigrette
Perfect, and so instructive for a couple reasons, See, we scream and shout about our interpretation of reality, then when that gets us in trouble, we say too many “narratives” are the problem. The next step is encouraging one version of reality, dictated by you-know-who. That’s right–Trump. And that, our readers, is called authoritarianism, first of the individual mind, then the entire state.
We can just hear Sanders now, up at the podium in the White House Briefing Room to the one reporter from the United States One News Organization: “It’s really better this way. It cuts down on confusion.”
So pour on some of that tyrannical sauce, spear some crunchy falsehoods with your fork, and get t’eatin’!
Until next week, dear readers, cheers!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
