Bye, bye, Miss American pie! Drove my Chevy to the levy that broke because there weren’t enough safety mechanisms in place and killed a bunch of workers!–Don McClean probably never imagined that. Oh, well–at least corporations didn’t have to suffer!/Licensed Adobe Stock, tashatuvango.
Greetings, Alt-reading lovers! We trust you’re where we last left you, in our library, gazing at a wall of books, gently passing your finger over the bindings in front of you as you read the titles of all the fascinating, wondrous compendia of knowledge. Ah! It seems you’ve found one that tickles your fancy more than the others, with its catchy title: Get Out of My Way, Big, Liberal Government, I’ve Got People to Mow Down by C.O. Rorporation. We can see why that appealed to your yearning-to-be-free Alt-imagination. Let’s talk about that topic!
Corporations Are People Too–But More Worthy
The Liberals are always talking about how people deserve rights. “Oh, the blacks need to vote, oh, the women need access to gynecological health, the genderqueers need to use this bathroom,, the immigrant youth need a pathway to citizenship.” We’re going to just go ahead and propose something much more radical, though, dear right-wing Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers: rights for corporations. They are headed by people and made up of them, aren’t they? Freeing them from the shackles of the Deep/Nanny state could only benefit all those people, obvi! Markets and the business entities that make them up will just do right by everyone if left unchecked. That’s not either bizarrely naive or actively wanting to harm tons of people for the financial benefit of a few, at all! Let’s look at some examples of this Wild, Wild, West philosophy in business, then move on to discuss some other arenas that just need to be Free to Murder You and Me.
Related: Why trickle-down works–CEOs are just the nicest people.
Economic Razzle Dazzle
As President Donald Trump’s did his political jazz hands in Davos, Switzerland, he conveyed the economy is booming, busting, soaring and skyrocketing, all thanks to Don Jon’s massive and frenzied deregulation of various industries. What could go wrong with that? Nothing, that’s what. Simply nothing. And what could go right is that Big Banks could see $27 billion in profits, according to Bloomberg.
“JPMorgan Chase & Co. and Morgan Stanley would benefit most from changes to post-crisis banking rules proposed by Donald Trump’s administration, with pretax profit jumping 22 percent, according to estimates by Bloomberg based on discussions with analysts and the banks’ own disclosures. Goldman Sachs Group Inc. would have the smallest percentage increase, about 16 percent,” reported the financial industry’s reportorial record-keeper.
And, we’re sure we don’t need to remind you of what’s going to happen next: those profits will trickle down to all us little people. They just needed someone to believe in them, like The Donald. That’s totes def what history has shown and what seems obvious, ne c’est pas? Al that unfettered big business wants is simply to give all the workers and consumers a big hug, During that hug, it will drive a cleaver into their collective back, but it’s still a hug. Sheesh, Negative Nellies!
Also, this isn’t just a temporary boom or anything. The economy is just going to climb, and climb, and climb, into the heavens.
And: See what Don McGahn did when Trump invited him to his Down With Democracy party.
For My Next Trick..!
The next thing to deregulate, if we’re a smart society, is education. Children never, ever get taken advantage of, even now, so we’re sure that genius in a special haircut, Betsy DeVoss will soon think, “If only there were fewer laws interfering in our children’s’ upbringings…” Well, the possibilities are just endless, aren’t they, SYRW readers? And they’re all good possibilities too–nutritionally poor lunches, poor reading and math skills, bus accidents, and lots of other good things kids need. In fact, maybe we can get rid of the laws that banned children from working and required them to go to school. Yes, that would help businesses, too!
“Charter schools dire lesson: deregulation invariably leads to disaster,” reported Bobbi Murray for Salon. Yeah, but a disaster for whom–whiny, selfish kids? Well, they could stand to be taken down a notch or two if you ask us. You guys always choose the kids and never corporations, and it’s just not fair! Corporations are going to their room, and they’re never coming out! *door slams*
Next in this upbeat upbraiding of the Liberal Nanny State is housing. When mortgage companies are able to predate on the poor and desperate, everybody wins. We sure hope that the socialist scheme to practices value people over money, money, money in the form of laws governing housing markets is the next to go. Pretty much every homeless person will have a home after that, because, again, all banks need is the freedom to be kind to us, and they will. And all those zoning and safety codes? See ya! All those do is interfere with construction. Everyone who wants lead reintroduced into paint, for example, put ya’ hands in the air like ya’ just don’t care!
“A number of states have anti-predatory lending laws, but many states found that during the housing boom, predatory lenders found ways to sidestep existing laws with new mortgage instruments,” noted the National Governors Association. So, clearly, with fewer laws governing lending practices, things will be even better for homeowners. Smart!
As far as getting rid of those construction regulations, for evidence of the success of that venture, we need only look at the Grenfell Tower fire in London last year. Grenfell Tower apartment building–predictably, housing lower-income residents–with no fire alarms, sprinklers, or fire escape, according to reporters New York Times (NYT). It caught fire, killing more than 79 people.
“Promising to cut ‘red tape,’ business-friendly politicians evidently judged that cost concerns outweighed the risks of allowing flammable materials to be used in facades,” read the NYT article. If you’d rather believe in Fake News than change your Alt-opinion on regulation, because it’s easier than accepting that NYT is meticulously fact-checked and that its reporters don’t have conspiratorial agendas to lie to you, we totally understand. That’s a great life choice, and a great way for our society to go as a whole. Godspeed.
And finally, let’s talk about the biggest wet blanket on the fire of —-: environmental regulations. Speaking of fire, in 1969, “a lack of sewer and waste disposal regulation,” in the words of the Ohio History Central, led to the Cuyahoga River outside Cleveland, Ohio catching fire. Ah, the good ol’ days. There could scarcely be anything more demonic and evidence of a sick society than water on fire. Bellissima!
Also: IIf you need some conservative fun in your life, click here!
The Rosy Days Ahead…Er, Behind
The time when there were the least regulations, readers, was pre-history. And hopefully, this deregulation sprint by the Trump admin will turn into a marathon, and we can just get back to the halcyon days of yesteryear. Pretty soon, we’ll all be huddled in our caves, clubs in hand, shivering and sweating, waiting for unchained, free-as-a-bird criminals to come rob, beat, rape, and murder us. Or corporations. Whatever.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
