You’re brain’s not gonna wash itself, now is it, readers?/Licensed Depositphotos stock.
May the Almighty Dollar be with you, Red-state readers! We have a question for you this week in Stuff We Love: have you ever been walking out the door to work, about to grab your keys from the ashtray your son made you, and noticed your TV, dark, sad, and alone? Did you think, “Well, I was just at work yesterday, they won’t really miss me there…and who knows what the Liberal Snowflakes are up to while I don’t have Fox News updating me on it with their right-wing spin?” Have you then, snapped yourself out of it and continued on your way out the door to work…but…can’t…pull….away…flashy graphics and loud voices too seductive…must…watch…more…Foooooooooooooox.”
TV is So 2018
Well, you’re in luck, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers! Three new products that we found after hours scouring the Internet for a full 10 seconds, just for you, our reactionary readers, will ensure that you never, ever, ever have to be away from Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, Brian Kilmeade and the whole Fox gang! You’ll never have to wonder what screaming banshee “news” update you missed–because you’ll never miss one. Read on for the latest gadgets that will be the last few nails in the coffin for your brain and the United States as we know it.
Related: See our Top 10 Movies every Trump reporter must see.
Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You
“You’re just too good to be true/Can’t take my eyes off of you.” So sang Franki Valli and the Four Seasons in their iconic tune. What prophetic words, right, readers? Why, you ask? Because now, you can get your very own set of Fox News Always-On Contacts, which means you never have to take your eyes of Fox News, and it is, after all too “good” to be true! With these attractive lenses, fashioned to give your eye the slit-like appearance of a snake’s eyes on the outside. You won’t even notice it when children run from you in horror, because playing on a tiny screen on the inner surface of each lens is…yes, Fox News! Who cares if you keep bumping into stuff and everyone thinks you’re a weirdo, because you keep screaming responses to the Fox anchors! You have to keep watching, Obama and Hillary–O’Hillary–are counting on your to turn the set off, so they can Deepen the State and charge you for it.
Cut and Paste
That’s the name of an upcoming Fox News show, a reference to the network’s pick-and-choose reporting of reality. It’s also a clever segueway into a brief discussion of our next product: Fox News Toothpaste. Each molecule of this dental aid/mental poison has a tiny Fox News set on it. As you massage it into your chompers and gums in a gentle circular motion, your very DNA will begin to change. The most fundamental principles of human thought–reason, apprehension of the outer environment via information picked up by your five senses, logic–will cease to trouble you. At first you’ll notice just subtle differences–that brown neighbor of yours will seem just a little more threatening, that woman who covers her head at your job will strike you as just a little shiftier. Fast forward a year and you’ll be a totally unrecognizable person–and kind of a dick, frankly. But hey, it’s the Liberal Media’s fault. Rinse and repeat!
And: Make yourself a cool, crisp jug of Grinning-Like-a-Fox-News-Nincompoop Kool-Aid.
Take a Deep Breath
The gaseous-inhalation method is perhaps the quickest way to make anything–including Fox News hogwash–enter your bloodstream. After that it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump into the very organelles of cellular structure. With a Fox News Vape, the shameless propaganda of right-wing Trump mouthpiece Fox News will quickly enter the very mitochondria that form the basis of who you are. After a few drags of one of these bad boys, you will soon be living the dream: your thoughts will be indistinguishable from the illogical, ultra-conservative musings of Jeanine Pirro and Dana Perino. You can slip a Fox News Vape into its convenient carrying case and take it on the go with you.
Whip it out any time you find a moment of quiet and a little thing called your own judgment begins to pester you. Turn one of these bad boys on, put your lips around the mouthpiece, and inhale, deep, long, and finall. Your eyes will roll comfortably back in your head as your hatred for the Deep State, Robert Mueller, and all Mexicans is renewed, along with your–your–assesment of Donald Trump as “the greatest president we’ve ever had!” Sure, vaping is discouraged in public places, planes, doctors office, and more but you’ll just have to avoid those Nanny State locations. If you do find yourself stuck in one of those places, though, you can always pop into your mouth some Fox News gum, a packet of which comes with every Fox News Vape.
The Invasion of the Body Snatchers Package
Also: 3 Trump admin all-stars audition to decorate your home!
Call today, and a Fox News Brain Hijack package, including a pair of Fox News contacts, a tube of Fox News toothpaste, and a Fox News Vape can be yours for just $19.99! But that’s not all! We’ll throw in a tub of our ulra-emollient Fox News moisturizer FREE! And that’s not all! You’ll also get a tote bag to toss all your goodies in with the words, “I Belong to Fox News” emblazoned on either side ABSOLUTELY FREE!
With these four products your mortgaging of your entire thought process completely and irrevocably to the Bank of Fox News will be complete! These products are not available in stores–too many opportunities for O’Hillary sabotage. They’re only available on our website or by calling 866-FOX-NEWS now! If you really love Trump–like really love–you’ll order one Brain Hijack Package for you and one for a friend. A cult is only as good as its last recruit, after all.
And now, go forth and shop, dear SYRW readers. And as you do, never forget: Cha-CHING!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
