Power has a way of isolating people–and even people who care for no one but themselves can take it hard./Licensed Adobe Editorial Stock; YURI GRIPAS / REUTERS
Hey, my Chatty Cathys and Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers,! It’s me, Bubbles MacMillan, with some seriously juicy right-wing gossip for you.
“Increasing Unfitness” is how David Remnick described President Donald Trump’s general state of being and role in the White House in a New Yorker article last week. After the Fake News book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump, by Michael Wolff, hit bookshelves recently, despite the best efforts of us here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) to get the word out about Michaela Fflow’s book Love and Light: The Real Story From Inside the White House, it’s been an open-like-an-open-sore secret that working and living there is like being in the storm surge of a hurricane, the eye of a tsunami, and the epicenter of an earthquake. But more chaotic. I spoke to some of my many inside sources at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue about how their managing life in this daily maelstrom. You won’t believe what they told me. I have GOT to tell you something–but shhhhhh! You can’t tell anyone else! Lean in close!
Related: Get the low down on Ivanka’s ingenious legal strategy,
The Rose Garden? More like Grey Gardens!
“We all solemnly swore to stand by the President no matter what he says and does to maintain his dignity, rather than suffer his wrath should we broach the idea of his obvious unfitness for the highest office in the land,” a source of mine said, speaking on the condition of anonymity.
As is the iconic documentary, Grey Gardens, starring Big and Little Edie, relatives of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis, living out their last days in a sad state of delusional squalor, President Trump is slipping into a state of belligerent dementia, unhinged and unable to see the reality of his situation. It’s Ironic, isn’t it, SYRW, readers, given how proud he is of his days as the star of his own reality TV show.
Rather than have a conversation about elder care with him, thereby risk angering him or making him feel ashamed of how he’s doing a double nosedive into psychosis and dementia, his politically-hired help has collectively decided to serve as his medically-hired help, several sources with knowledge of the situation told me.
“To tell you the real truth [and Bubbles MacMillan always gets that], we took a blood oath that we, as the captains of this big, orange ship…we will go down with it,” one insider said. “It’s the only dignified thing to do.” What lovely people, these right-wing pawns are, no?
Scared of His Skivvies
His confidantes, loved ones, and closest employees knew the one thing that would be the hardest for President Trump would be to switch from his big boy underpants to Depends. But it became necessary to switch to “adult diapers,” I’m told, with Trump’s rapidly enlarging prostate that the Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson was bribed not to report on–with a condo in Miami and the promise that he’d never have to give The Donald another prostate exam.
So, my sources tell me they told Trump that the Democrats had bugged all his underwear, and only Depends, and the urine he would deliver into those padded briefs, would be sufficient to neutralize the threat of espionage risk in the underwear he was accustomed to wearing..
“Now, every morning, he’s happy to slip on his adult diapers,” one of my sources told me
I’ve Fallen, and I Can’t Get to Twitter
“Getting his Life-Alert necklace was going to be tougher…or easier,” said another source close to the president. “We work for Trump, so we don’t really believe in on objective reality.” When I pressed this source for some qualification of the experience of getting the president into a Life Alert necklace to have emergency medical personnel available at the push of a button, my source said, “It took some convincing.”
Those tasked with the job of leashing Trump with this lifesaving device told him it was a Medal of Valor for Service in the Office of the President of the United States. They told him to press the red button in the middle when he’s not feeling as courageous, valiant, and as much of a martyr as this medal unequivocally confirms he is. They hope he will interpret chest pain as the absence of courage, valor, and martyr-like feelings
A Vicious Circle
The Trump team members who are getting The Don to live in a nursing home whether he likes it–or knows it–or not, first got the idea to do their elder-care subterfuge when Sen. Bob Corker (R.-Tennessee) lamented the fact that the White House had turned into “an adult day care,” as reported by The Washington Post and other news outlets last year.
“We thought, yes, it has,” one of my oh-so-anonymous sources tells me, “and we need to make it more so,” the source continued. They felt like it was meant to be, they told me, given Trump’s office was in the shape of an oval–perfect for minimizing fall injuries!
Getting the walls padded for when Dear Donald has his more difficult days, throwing dentures about and spitting on objects to then play with his saliva, was at first a difficult sell. My sources tried to convince him that they were sound-proofing his room, which did work at first.
“But then he whispered, ‘I’ll talk real quiet, I promise.'” They all sighed.
Then one of them thought of the ace they had up their sleeves: “OBAMA NEVER AGREED to have his walls padded, you know, President Trump.”
Trump insisted the walls be padded by the end of that business day or all involved would be fired.
Sunrise, Sunset
So went the song about the speed at which children grow up before our eyes from “Fiddler on the Roof” It’s now Donald’s twilight. But again, there are no facts, nor any reality, nor any such thing as truth, just what we–in this case, Donald Trump–want or wants to believe.
“And so those of us who continue to live on a planet called Earth, instead of Jupiter, must rush about catering to the whims of our presidential denizen of that gigantic planet,” a source told me. “Maybe someday, someone will have the guts to tell a certain someone he isn’t living on Jupiter, after all, and to, pardon the expression, grow up!
And: See the new conspiracy theory–i.e., true story–about Bob Mueller making the rounds in D.C.
It doesn’t end there, my Gossipy Gabbies! Trump’s handlers/my sources, being the good Republicans they are, are certainly not above making a buck out of this pitiful situation. They’ve hung a sign on the back door to the White House that says, “Presidential Palisades Assisted Living Community.” They’ve registered Palisades as an LLC and are currently taking applications for residents. If accepted, the down payment required prior to patients moving in is $1 million.
Until next time, SYRW readers, remember: you didn’t hear this from me!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
