“Remember, Pence-y, when I throw the stick, you have to fetch it.”/Image Credit: Licensed Adobe stock, Carlos Barria for Reuters.
Salutary Salutations, traditionalist health-seekers!
This week in Wellness we’re going to address a Wellness topic that has become a popular method of increasing one’s psychological health, but one that takes on special meaning for us on the Alt-right end of the political spectrum now. The reason it’s of very current, particular concern to right-wing reactionaries like you, dear Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers is how it’s manifesting itself in the life of a one President Donald Trump. Anything he does, of course, is a shining example of how we who deify him as a savior of both traditionally-privileged and underprivileged groups, like us Alt-ies. As a veteran suffering from PTSD might have a labrador as his therapy dog, so Trump has Mike Pence, more commonly known asna Pence-y, i.e., the name of the breed to which Mike Pence belongs.
Who’s a Good VP!? Who’s a Good VP!?
Therapy dogs come in all shapes and sizes: Huskies, Mastiffs, schnauzers, labradoodles, Yorkies, and now even Mike Pence-ies. Pence-ies might be the most therapeutic of all, as they look identical to humans and can do anything a human can. But they also can do anything your average therapy dog can do.
Related: See what 5 D.C. restaurants you have to try in the Trump era.
President Trump took a while to decide which therapy dog would double as his Vice President, allowing him to outsource work to him but also take him anywhere. Would it be Chris Christie? Marco Rubio? Mike Huckabee? Nope. No one was willing to lick The Donald’s boots, i.e., do Trump’s bidding like the Pence-y. As we’ll see, he’s at Trump’s knee at all times, panting and wagging his tail, waiting to hear the words, “Sit,” to which he replies, “To hear my orders regarding supporting you in which moral failure today, my master?”
Let’s Get to Work!
Of course, as our most of our life situations could benefit from dog-therapy, we’ll narrow our focus here to review the benefits of therapy dogs in the workplace, The Alliance for Therapy Dogs (ATD) cites a study by Virginia Commonwealth University that found three major benefits of having a therapy dog around in the workplace. First, Petting dogs reduced the level of cortisol, a hormone linked to stress in those who made tactile contact with dogs in their workplace. The presence of therapy dogs facilitated conservation and bonding among coworkers who might not otherwise interact. And finally, the simple presence of a therapy dog at work can soothe and calm.
The ATD cites a therapist, Dr. Debra Havill, Ph.D., who says, “Dogs were domesticated to be attentive to us….It is natural for us to be around them, so to not be around them would be unnatural”
How His Pence-y Benefits Trump
According to the Los Angeles Times, the Pence-y-Trump relationship is more complex than most ones between humans and their therapy dogs. It referenced a recent trip to the Middle East in which Jordan’s King Abdullah II had harsh words for Pence-y.
“Pence’s stoic response Sunday in Amman, like the rest of the four-day Middle East tour he wrapped up Tuesday, shows he has honed a unique set of survival skills for serving under a mercurial and vindictive president: Heap double scoops of praise on Trump and his agenda, and be prepared to absorb the uncomfortable criticism of U.S. allies,” according to the LA Times.
And: Tomi Lahren walks us through her hair beauty regimen.
It doesn’t just stop at the praise. Pence-y will do what Trump tells him to do.” Sit! Kneel! Leave a Colts game when I call you and tell you to because they players are kneeling during the national anthem,”–this last bit of news brought to us by the good folks at Time.
A Pence-y will even defend the indefensible–they’re not called man’s best friend’s for nothing. After the firestorm of rightful criticism, Trump received for his “fine people marched in Charlottesville,” comment, Pence defended Trump, saying, “I know the president’s heart.” The implication being Trump has a good heart and simply misspoke.
Trump’s Pence-y also said he understands criticism comes with this job and Trump has the kind of “broad shoulders to take it.,” according to the folks at the Washington Examiner, So, Pence-y will lie for you too, insulting our collective intelligence, as anyone can see that President Trump shows every sign of a complete unwillingness to “shoulder” any kind of criticism: lashing out, denial, attacking the source, grudges, and so on and so forth.
His Pence-y has also attacked Trump criticizers in harsher and more dubious terms, such as Rep. John Lews (D-Ga.).
“Pence proceeded to defend Trump’s critiques of Lewis, seeming to agree that Lewis, a prominent civil rights leader who worked closely with Martin Luther King, Jr., hasn’t been good for black people, but Trump will be. ‘I think Donald Trump has the right to defend himself,’ Pence explained, referring to the President-elect’s tweets that Lewis should focus on his own district ‘rather than falsely complaining about the election results’ and suggesting that the congressman is all-talk, no-action,” Think Progress reported.
Now, Before You Run Out to Get a Pence-y of Your Own
Remember one thing, dear SYRW readers, these companions have their own agenda, such as advancing in the political game, perhaps even one day running for president themselves. So, don’t think it’s all about you, as Trump undoubtedly thinks. No, Pence-ies often have their eyes on arranging for their lives after their companion’s therapeutic needs are done, if ever. After all, a wily, skilled, politician–er, therapy dog–like a Pence-y is always thinking two steps ahead.
Also: Bannon looked super-happy as he left a deal-making session in D.C. the other day–here’s why!
Until next time, dear SYRW readers, go forth and be well.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
