If you don’t believe that this man is a Muslim cleric, well, then we just feel sorry for you./Image Credit:: Wikipedia.
Ahoy, right-wing travel aficionados! We are so grateful to Representative John Ratcliffe (R-Texas). He stretched out his hand and said, “Won’t you join me on a journey to total and complete moral perversion?” And we said: “Sure.” We at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) are always thinking of you, our readers, though. So we said, “Can’t we bring our conspiracy theory-loving friends, Handsome White Father Figure, pleeeeeeeeeease?” He smiled warmly and acquiesced.
Ratcliffe Tweeted the following, which began today’s foray into Madness Town, much like your dad turned the key in the ignition when you set out on those summer road trips when you were a kid!
The thousands of texts @TGowdySC and I reviewed today revealed manifest bias among top FBI officials against @realDonaldTrump. The texts between Strzok and Page referenced a “secret society.”
— John Ratcliffe (@RepRatcliffe) January 23, 2018
By now you’re well aware of the right-wing assault on justice, truth, and knowledge that began with Trump being chosen as the Republican nominee for President, continued with oh-so-many-deranged events after, and now finds its manifestation in the vilification of Robert Mueller and the insistence that his probe is an unfair witch hunt.
Do you know why it’s happening, readers, this persecution of The Donald? Not because he did everything it seeks to uncover and more. Oh, no! It’s because Robert Mueller is a Muslim and was installed in his position as Special Counsel by the CML–Cabal of Muslim Leaders–to turn the United States into a Sharia-based theocracy. Below, we take you on a journey to BS-Evidence Canyon, a centuries-old town in Wonderland, where Alice once got lost because of its intentionally thick and obstinant inhabitants
Check reason, logic, and your Bachelor’s degree at the door, and let’s go!
Welcome to Islamistan
First off on our trip BS-Evidence Canyon is the popular the Linguistic Coincidence neighborhood. You need to know the basic phrases of any place you visit in order to get along as a tourist there, and you can learn all about them here.
Now, we’re just going to use a font-based approach to bring this point home. MUeller is MUslim. Say it with us, “MUeller is MUslim.” Makes perfect sense, no? Don’t you feel like, “How did I not see that all this time?”
Let’s move on to that Deep State dementoid division Mueller works for, the FBI. You may still think FBI stands for Federal Bureau of Investigation! Ha! Naive fools! It stands for Fatwah-Based Initiative! A fatwah, in case all you Islamophobic readers don’t know, is a Islamic religious decree. Clearly, this is incontrovertible proof that Mr. Mueller the Muslim was appointed by the CML!
Now for the name of the building that Mueller works in, The J. Edgar Hoover building in Washington, D.C. It’s a mosque, dear SYRW readers. Let’s start with the name as proof. Now, Islamist terrorists (i.e., all Muslims) are now to yell, “Allahu Akbar,” or God is great, before the pull the cord on their backpack-bombs and kill white people. Once again, we’ll make use of fonts to establish our point: J. Edgar HOOver, Allah-HOO Akbar? ‘Nuff said.
Imaginary Images
Well, the Hoover building’s name is just the start! Only the gullible would think Mueller and his team of Mohammedans would actually put a dome and minarets in their meeting place. No, they’re using the far less well-known style of the Arabianistanian Allah-Worshippers of the 17th century. They favored box-like edifices with rows of small windows, as the Hoover Building prominently features.
When Mueller the Muslim goes to work, he has to flash his FBI badge. See a picture of it to the right. Sure, you may have learned in elementary school that Lady Justice was blindfolded in this iconic, much-used symbol of American jurisprudence. Wrong! It’s a visual representation of what the Muslims, who are taking over our country one hijab-head dress at a time, want to do with our women! And this is of deep concern to us on the right, given what champions of women’s lib we are, of course.
Salacious Sounds
If you’re wondering what sound can be heard five times a day in the Hoover Building, well, wonder no longer. It’s aathan or the Muslim call to prayer. Yeah, they’re not even trying to hide it, really, red-state geniuses. This is a full turban-wearing cleric religious state.
We have it on good authority that if you say “hello” instead of “As-Salaam-o-Alaikum” in the halls of the Hoover building, you get sent to Bobby Mueller’s office and…oh, we can’t tell you what happens. It’s too awful! Just trust us.
That’s All For Today
But not forever, of course. conspiracy theories are a fave of us here at SYRW, and we hope to return to this magical wonderland in future posts.
But, phew! That was tiring, no, SYRW readers? It’s customary at the end of a day of travel-based fun to review all the wonderful events you’ve partaken in that day, so let’s get to it.
We hope, readers, that you feel sufficiently disempowered by this conspiracy theory. That is, after all, a necessary part of the conspiracy theory, to give you “knowledge” that you can do nothing about. It’s always traditionally-disempowered folks, such as the uneducated, who subscribe to these Thtupid Theories, then, isn’t it?
Also, we hope that you fancy yourself clued into some insider knowledge that only the truly smart would know. Another must-have of a conspiracy theory.
And finally, it is our sincere hope that this conspiracy theory was to your liking, replacing, as it’s intended to an actual alignment with the facts.
After all, in the Trump Era, we don’t bother ourselves with pesky things like facts! There is no such thing as knowledge or truth, just what you want to believe for your own ridiculous reasons.
Now that the group portion of this trip to Idiotville is over, let’s go to our hotel rooms and get some rest. Tomorrow, we encourage you to venture out on your own and explore this magical land of Manufactured Evidence and Fixating on Small Discrepancies in small groups! Don’t forget to stay hydrated, remember to smile at the weirdos you pass on the street, and meet back here for the return ferry ride to the hotel.
Bon Voyage, SYRW readers!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
