There are some things every right-wing fashionista must have in his or her closet–aside from your gay identity, should you have one!/Licensed Dreamstime stock, Khongkitwiriyachan.
One day–one fine, fine day, as the song goes–there’ll be a Le-Tote-Trunk-Club-Stitch-Fix outfit delivery service specifically for reactionaries! Hint, hint, Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) readers and small-business-owner-entrepreneurs. Imagine 14 sleeveless dresses, 14 U.S.-flag-patterned ties; or 14 coats made of polar bear fur, one for each day of two weeks arriving at your door every fortnight. No muss, no fuss! Well, until that glorious day comes, you have SYRW to help you along your conservative, sartorial way.
Now, we’ve chosen three wardrobe essentials for the hip, happening, right-wing-er, both male and female–and that’s where gender categories end. Anywho, when it comes to fashion, we like to think, “What will you be doing–what reactionary action will you be performing–that clothes could work in concert with or make easier on the body?” So feast your eyes on our three necessities for the Conservative Cutie!
Related: See how Trump and his team are living the 6 dimensions of Wellness every day!
Roll Up Those Sleeves, and Let’s Get to Work!
Our first garment recommendation is a top of half-sleeve-length for the ladies, pushed-up full sleeves for the fellas.
You need to allow for proper forearm flexion for a variety of right-wing tasks. For example, you can’t, very well, pump your fist up and down in a proper corporeal enactment of the full vehemence and spite and spite you feel toward immigrants, Jews, Muslims, and just anyone you can blame for your troubles–besides the people who actually deserve it, of whom President Trump is a wonderful example–at the next big, nation-traumatizing Neo-Nazi march in a full-sleeve-fully-extended top, now can you?
You can’t, very well, pull back the curtain with enough force to get that satisfying curtain-drawing sound on the voting booth at Name of White Hero Middle School when it’s time to cite in a Dominionst child-molester as your Senator with your elbows hindered by fabric, now can you? And you can’t, very well, freely extend that arm, remote in hand, to turn up the volume on Sean Hannity’s show on Fox News, now can you?
Consider the Commando
And: Make a piping-hot bowl of Stir-the-Pot-in-Pot!
This next suggestion is really advising you on a lack of clothing: no underwear. Yes, it sounds gross–and in a lot of ways it is, and it is a little outside your comfort zone of moral grossness–but hear us out, SYRW readers? What are you, Liberal Snowflake Pearl Clutchers? Calm down!
Now, imagine you’re poor, misunderstood, treated-unfairly-by-the-Fake-News-Media President Donald Trump. You’re scanning your surroundings for the next woman you just have to molest, because that’s how you get around beautiful babes! And you’re a “celebrity,” so they’ll let you do anything–might as well take advantage of that, right? Now, wouldn’t a woman’s genital region be much more fun to grab if there were no panties getting in the way of all the #metoo fun?! Yes, yes it would. So, ladies, why don’t you go ahead and pull those Vag Obstructors off now!
And the brotastic among you need to keep your gonadal regions free and clear of all textile-related blockage based on the flip side of this Inequal Equation. Imagine you’re in the office in a meeting with a bunch of people, including a hot broad, when you ask to speak to her alone as the meeting attendees trickle out, you may only have a few minutes to be the next #himtoo! You need to be able to whip it out–and back in–at a moment’s notice! Even boxers are too much trouble. You need to be ready-to-rape at all times. Women aren’t going to oppress themselves, are they?
These Boots Were Made for More Than Walkin’
Aah, the Nancy Sinatra classic, “These Boots Are Made for Walkin.'” Who knew it would have such meaning for the Conservative Crew fifty-one years after it originally dropped! Well, it does, dear SYRW readers, oh, how it does.
Now, both men and women–remember, there are only two gender categories–need a pair of these, daintier for the chicks, huskier for the mans. Work boots, preferably in leather.
The number-one reason to have these is that they are the footwear of choice for the Alt-Neo-Nazi crowd. Duh! This alone makes them required tootsie covers. Donning these before you leave the house will send a tacit signal to everyone that says, “I’m an ass who suports Trump–and if you have a problem with that, I’ll kick you’re head into the ground!”
Also: See why we started the Wear a Fez for Nunes movement!
Other reasons that all winners-at-life need these include: returning home and kicking the door shut with a resolute bang, blocking out the realities of 2018 that make you wish for a return to the pre-rights-for-everyone days; banging on the exterior wall of the nearest synagogue or mosque as you cry angry tears, because someone–someone–has to be to blame for your unemployment and generally bleak life prospects; squishing the life out of the baby deer you shot but who continues to convulse with life, because it makes you feel so powerful and almost turned on to hold another living creature’s life in your hands.
Well, we hope this has been an edifying, pretty disturbing, stroll down What-to-Wear Lane for you, dear SYRW readers! Make sure to check back with us next week for all the latest in conservative style and beauty, despite the oxymoron-ish nature of that term.
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
