Truth not only still exists, but it matters dearest readers./Licensed Dreamstime stock, Matthew Benoit.
So sang Steve Nicks, and it seemed an appropriate song to play while we write and you read this post.
Greetings, Alt-reading lovers! We trust you’re sitting in your library, a fire going beside you, an antique clock ticking loudly somewhere in the dusty, musty room, a book on your lap, and a pipe in your pie-hole, as we here at Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) often find ourselves. If it seems fitting to read the rest of this article in a generic, exaggerated British accent, then so be it!
And I Wonder/Why I Bought All Your Lies
So sang JoJo in her classic 1990s breakup anthem, “Leave (Get Out).” Oh, the ’90s. A time when we believed in–you know, anything. Now the truth is a salad bar that belongs to Me, Me Me: “Hmm–I’ll have some mushrooms, green pepper slices, chopped black olives, Sandy Hook denial, Pizzagate, Infowars claptrap du jour….Mmmm! Mmmmm!” It’s so delish-to-the-us to simply believe whatever feels good.
It’s always the most culturally disenfranchised and disempowered that seem to latch on to conspiracy theories–the most elaborate lies–because it feels good. You can’t do anything about them, so why not go whole hog! Right, dear SYRW readers? That’s why Trump loves ’em, we assume. He’s an idiot. But we’re going to focus on “simpler” lies he’s told.
Related: Tomi Lahren walks us through her hair care routine.
Where were we? Ah, yes! Trump’s Tall Tales. Now, gather round the cracklin’ campfire, kiddos! Don’t mind as we whittle a small branch using a pocket knife, and weave a yarn. As Sophia would say on “The Golden Girls,” picture it: Washington, D.C., 2018. A barely-elected leader seeks to mislead his supporters, stroke his own ego, and well, just do whatever he feels like, by lying his Oranges off.
We’re going to pull together three fantabulous articles from the Mainstream Media (MSM) about this topic and then offer some quick thoughts on the implications of this awful moment in our national history. As you know, readers, the MSM is a perfectly wonderful news source as long as it’s confirming your biases. And, of course, we right-wingers revel in the gigantic testicles of this Shameful Showman named Donald Trump. It’s so…manly! We feel like we’re in ancient Rome, at the Coliseum, cheering as Trump tackles a lion with the head of Hillary. You’d think our red-state-sized egos would dictate that we protect our dignity by supporting a politician who might actually do us some good. But no: the anti-immigrant talk, the business-world Alpha male bravado, and the comforting intellectual simplicity are just too seductive. So we bend over.
Lie2K
President Donald Trump has told 2,140 Â bald-faced, shameless, intelligence-insulting “lies or misleading statements,” according to Esquire, in his first year in office. That’s 5.4 per day. What a proud, proud record. Let’s look at a few individual lies and then remind you of your obligatory response as a Terrible Trump supporter. Let’s start with one of his most-repeated, sixty-one times-repeated, in fact,
LIE: Â The Affordable Care Act is dying and/or dead.
ACCEPTABLE TRUMP SUPPORTER RESPONSE: Sure is! You know how I know? Because My Donald told me. And all I need is an orange-hued daddy figure to tell me something, and I believe it like a good little boy/girl/no other genders allowed.
The World Is Watching
And: Join us on our whirlwind tour of Shit-Hole countries.
Our neighbors up north–who are white, so we don’t need a wall to keep out–in a little city called Toronto at the Toronto Star, are keeping a running list of the endless lies that come out of The Donald’s chapped mouth. They tell of a woman, Shardea, who instantly reminded us of ourselves, our favorite subject, and you, our readers, or second favorite subject.
“Shardea, a 73-year-old in Phoenix, believes Donald Trump is ‘the most intelligent, powerful, courageous president we’ve had in years,’ a man with not just knowledge but ‘superpower knowledge.’ Eek. That even makes us cringe a little. It’s a great example, though, of the New Face of Knowledge. There is none. You just pick and choose the fact-facsimiles that suit you and on you go, off to Moron-ville.
LIE: My approval rating with Black Americans has doubled.
ACCEPTABLE TRUMP SUPPORTER RESPONSE: See! If the Liberal Fake News Media would just get off their cosmopolitan high horse for a second and stop being so bitter that they’re gal, Hillary, didn’t win the election, they’d be able to see Trump is wildly popular, and not just with me! If I believe this falsehood, that actually is the full opposite of reality, as Trump’s approval rating with the African-American community fell from 15 to 6 percent, then it’s easier to keep on supporting this piece of trash!”
Jobs, Jobs, Jobs as Far as the Eye-With-Blinders-On Can See
An example of a misleading statement, which one wouldn’t necessarily call a flat-out lie, are the jobs-related ones. He didn’t create a job boom, people! And, because we’re human, our first response to these statements is to begin assessing them in our heads. Job creation is a super-complicated phenomenon, and maybe some jobs have been created under Trump, specifically because of his policies. Jobs are returning, “because of me,” he likes to say, as Fact Check reminded us. Nevertheless, there are some things he’s said about this that are just wrong. Read the following, from, again from the Toronto Star.
“Among other deals, Trump took credit for a $1 billion investment by Fiat Chrysler (which the company said was due to talks with unions in 2015), a $1 billion General Motors investment (also in the works for some time), 10,000 jobs added by Walmart (announced in 2016), 10,000 jobs created by Intel (announced originally in 2011), 1 million planned jobs by Chinese e-company Alibaba (a plan outlined in 2015) and a $25 billion investment by Charter Communications (in the works since 2015).”
Also: Make yourself a right-wing pot of our Stir-the-Pot-in-Pot Pot!
Lots More Lies
If you want to see more on President Trumpistan’s lies, visit The Washington Post or The New York Times. Of course, why bother, right? WaPo and The Times are just part of the liberal conspiracy against Trump. Nevermind that their reporters are the best in the business, with skills and connections random social media accounts could never hope to have, and just disregard the fact that the editors of both those papers and other mainstream news outlets are actually trying print the truth. You should keep going to social media for your “news.” That’s a winning prescription for life!
We at Spread Your Right Wings generally don’t like people, the Internet, or interacting with people on the Internet. Seek out someone—in person—to talk to and laugh with about this article. Check back with us as we continue to mock the right wing. Follow us on Twitter at @worstaltlife join our Facebook group, and follow us on Instagram at @worstaltlife. If you simply must get in touch with us, DM us through our Facebook group. Also, please, please see the disclaimer in our About section.
© 2018 Akbar Khan
