Quick–we right-wingers must act before Robert Mueller puts guilty people behind bars for heinous crimes!/Licensed Adbobe stock, Mike Blake for Reuters.
How are we doing, my questioning conservative readers? And how does that make you feel–hm? Tell Dr. MacEnnaKnee, who puts a “Doctor’ in front of her name, even though she’s an LCSW, all about it. I guess that sort of makes me like the fake academic/intellectual reject Sebastian Gorka of the social work world!
Anywho, readers, let me start of this week’s column with a question: do you know how wonderful you are and how soul-sick you make me? A lot! The letters we’ve been getting about your absolute certainty that Robert Mueller is merely doing the bidding of Hillary Clinton/Barack Obama and fabricating “evidence” in his probe, i.e. Very Unfair Witch Hunt of a Very Stable Genius–well, it does a right-wing reactionary’s ever-ossifying-heart good. Here’s one such shining example #winningatlifepersonhood.
Dear Dr. MacEnnaKnee,
Being a good, faithful consumer of the propaganda pablum trotted about by right-wing media Trump mouthpieces, I know that Robert Mueller is simply a bitter Democrat trying to get revenge on Trump because his Deep State BFF, Hillary, didn’t get elected. It makes me so mad! I need to do something–my part–to make sure we right-wingers win this, the Waterloo of the cultural war we’re in against the Loony Left! Guide me!
Rage-Filled in Ronkokoma
Related: THe right-wing dating app you’ve got to try!
Dear Rage-Filled,
First of all–always love to see Repubs in New Jersey. It must be hard being surrounded by so many Whole Foods, though! May the Forces of Darkness be with you. Now, first I want you to take a deep breath. Breathe in conspiracy theories that make you feel like you know something. Breathe any doubt that you are wrong–ever!
When I, Dr, MacE, want to go ahead effect change in my Warped World, and I’m stumped as to how to begin, I always think: go back to basics. So, I’m going to give you three ideas that are classic mischief-making, in addition to being highly effective means of Mueller Probe Mayhem.
1. Give Mueller and His Team Banana-Splitting Headaches
Start this one out by going to the nearest grocery store. Buy a bushel of bananas. Take that bushel to the parking lot of the J. Edgar Hoover FBI building in Northwest Washington, D.C., which is where we assume Mueller and his Terrible Team have their Offices of Obstruction. Now just start placing those bananas in every tailpipe! Does anything wreck someone’s day and make them feel like giving up like car trouble does? No, nothing does. Mueller and his Morons will be waiting for AAA for at least four to six hours each! If they’re anything like me, they’ll never want to resume what they’re doing. They’ll only want to go home, sprinkle some Calgon in a tub, pour a glass of pinot, and have their troubles melt away!
Alternately, peel as many of those Yellow Yummies as you can, and scatter them outside all entrances around the J. Edgar Hoover. As you’re only human, watch the live version of a Marx Brothers film as Mueller and his slip and slide all over the place. I’m laughing already! I mean, uh, stopping this legal travesty in its tracks!
2. Valley of the Dolls
For this one, you’re going to need to go to Michael’s; JoAnn, etc.; or another craft superstore. Get a couple yards of felt or bunting, some of that white polyester filling, buttons, and a permanent marker, a hot glue gun, and some hat pins. And one more thing: go to a beauty supply store and get some hair extensions. Fashion Voodoo Dolls in the likeness of Mueller. Glue on some hair, and cut it hair like the handsome, German-descent man himself has–d’oh! I mean, uh, I don’t find Robert Mueller to have a sexy, square, jawline or deep, kind eyes!
Anyway, uh, where was I? Oh, right! Now for the fun part. Get out the pins and just start sticking! One for the job you lost to technological advances but blame on immigrants, one for every hideous solar panel you see being installed in your neighborhood that angers you because you know Deep-State down global warming is for real but can’t admit it, one for every time you’ve heard that Arabic sing-song thing and secretly thought it was pretty, just keep on going! Stabbing and stabbing and stabbing until…*panting*. Uh, anyway, let’s move on.
3. Dial C for Conspiracy
For this, all you need is your cell phone! See:-back to basics. Of course, this is always more phone on a phone you can really get a handle–pun intended–on, preferably with a curly cord. Those 1980s beige phones are the best, obvi.
Anyway, I’m going to give you the number to the J. Edgar Hoover building, which we found with a simple Google search, using the query, “How do I contact the FBI?”: 202-324-3000.
And: See what Steve Bannon’s real career goals involve!
When someone, likely Hillary, answers, ask to be patched through to Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office. When his aide or receptionist answers, ask for him. When picks up, ask him if his refrigerator is running. When he says yes, say, “Well, you better go catch it!”
When he angrily asks, “Who is this?” Say, “Boo.” He will obviously ask, “‘Boo’ who?” You then say, “Don’t cry–it’s only a joke.” Except it’s not–it’s Rage-Filled doing his/her part to sink the Mueller probe!
Necessity Is the Mother of Idiotic Invention
I hope, dear Rage-Filled, good little Trumper and Spread Your Right Wings (SYRW) reader, this has given you some ideas that will simply spur you on to lots more. Never forget: toilet paper in the cherry trees of the Hoover building would be a classic way to confound and frustrate a certain someone. Just sayin’!
Also: You’ve gotta have the products some Trump admin officials are selling!
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© 2018 Akbar Khan
